It's the time of year again. Everyone is plastering on a goofy smile and putting that extra pep in their step because Christmas is around the corner. But not for me, no sir. My humor is becoming a bit more snippy then usual. As sooner as October hits, I start to become very cynical and moody. I am told I need to be one of the shiny happy people around this time of year.I wouldn't say I turn into the Grinch (though my socks ARE too tight), maybe more like Statler and Waldorf with my sarcastic comments.
I know where this is going. You're thinking How could ANYONE not like Christmas? But sadly, it's true. I am not a fan. My reasoning is three fold: 1.) Although people tend to be happier around their friends during this season, they turn into spawns of Satan when they are out eating or shopping. 2.) I have a problem with repetition, and listening to the same damn songs and watching the same damn movies is highly irritating. 3.) Work gets busier, which eliminates my free time and also puts a damper on what free time I may have. This week I have worked 42 hours in 4 days . . . and for what? Big title releases and getting ready for the ultimate nightmare, Black Friday. Black...like my heart.
But however dark the cloud or bitter my mood, there is always a silver lining. For instance, I've been eating Cranberry Bliss Bars from Starbucks, or as I like to refer to them "If Heaven Was a Pastry Cakes." Plus, the heat has finally died down and made way for the cold. I feel more in my element with a big hooded sweatshirt and jeans. But the best gift of all is this: the last Twilight movie. Even typing it brought a smile to my face.
This is it folks. This is the day we have been waiting for the last five years. After this movie, there won't be another one. We can go back to living our lives in peace and not have to hear about that bitch Kristen Stewart and her big haired boyfriend. No longer will estrogen soaked woman try to debate with me on how amazing this anti-feminist load of bullshit is an amazing work of art.
On a side note, if you are one of the "estrogen soaked woman" who try to debate with me about Twilight, thank you for putting down your 20 cats long enough to read this blog,I am sorry for your loss. I know losing these movies is like losing a child to you. Hey, I was down right depressed when Buffy ended. So in honor of you, I put together a memorium of Twilight, honoring all the things it has brought us and will be left behind.
IN MEMORY OF TWILIGHT
The Cullen.
That weird hairstyle that so many people have tried to copy. I do admit that it is better then the mullet, or the dreaded Pauly D.
The Shirtless Boys.
No more will we have to see . . . wait a minute. What nationality are those guys? Native American? Hispanic? Pacific Islander? And why do they all dress the same? Is this some type of wolf gang we don't know about? These are questions we will never have answered. (sigh)
Stupid Names
Renesmee? Seriously? Apple Paltrow just sent you flowers because you've finally replaced her as the girl with the stupidest name.
Kristen Stewart
I have seen some bad acting in my day, but this girl . . . wow. Ever notice how she is always holding her head? I am really starting to get concerned that she has a tumor. Maybe that's what's causing her acting to suffer.
The Weird Cover Photos
I really don't know what to say about these. No really. Ever time I look at the cover of one of these books, my mind goes numb. Now I know how a "deer in the headlights" feels. Twilight covers are my headlights. (Gigitty)
Vampire and Werewolf Segregation
Maybe now the two will exist in perfect harmony . . . like Ebony and Ivory.
Ashley Greene and Anna Kendrick
I can honestly say that my world is a better place now because you are in it. Go forth from this series with your head held high, knowing that you are what made it great.
(Winner for my favorite political picture of the year. I had to put it as the cover picture)
When I first created this blog back in April, I only intended it to be that forum where I could practice my writing and entertain my friends. As any entertainer knows, there are only two subjects that polarize your audience: religion and politics. I told myself that I would steer clear of the religious and political arenas so that I didn't alienate anyone kind enough to stop by and read my ramblings. Then came last night's election. And while the dust settled and Obama was reelected for another term, the nation began to divide in the most sophisticated political arena the world has ever seen . . . . Facebook.
Presidential Election of 2012. Even the name alone has a sense of foreboding to it which I totally blame on those pesky Mayans not knowing how to count higher then that. The heat was on during the debates where it seemed like Obama and Romney were about to start "a rumble" that I could only assume would look like something from West Side Story or two nerds playing Magic: The Gathering.
However, I love it when intelligent, grown men fight. Sometimes, even the most highly educated man just can't hold on to his composure, and craziness starts spewing from their lips. I don't know about you, but I would have loved to see Romney throw one of his "binders full of women" at Obama during the skirmish. That would have been the first debate I watch on repeat...and I'd add sound effects if possible, in the style of America's Funniest Home Videos: Take THAT Romney - HONK! In your face Obama - CUCKOO!
Tension was not defused in the Foreign Policy debate when Romney wanted to give more money (somewhere in the trillion range) to the Navy to build more warships because our country hasn't built another one in over 50 years. Obama rebutted with a reminder to Romney that our country doesn't budget for horses and bayonets anymore either, and the economy can't support the expensive and unnecessary "game of Battleship" he wants to play.
That was about the point that "Presidential Election of 2012" got ugly. I knew it was coming when right after the debate, Rachel Maddow stated: "We're going to see if soulless shape-shifting has a cost," in response to the comments made by Romney. The next day . . . the war had begun. I watched daily as posts on Facebook turned friend against friend, brother against brother, uncle against nephew, and that was only Jason's page. I watched as hilarious pictures were posted, and then turned to other friends who were offended, even though they had no clue what they meant. Example:
Celebrities were coming out of the wood work to share their political views, including my hero Joss Whedon:
But in the end, nobody wins in a Facebook civil war. Can't we go back to the time when Facebook meant more then that? Where nobody ever said something mean or offensive about one another. Where our children could maintain their Famrville Farm, and we would never have to worry about what kind of garbage they would be reading. You know what I am talking about?
What's that? Facebook was never that place? You're kidding. Well there goes my whole point of this blog. What am I suppose to close on now? (Sigh) I guess I will just post my favorite comments I have read through the Election.
In no particular order, these are direct quotes from Facebook that I just copied and pasted.
Enjoy:
"Fuck Obama won thus suck we're all fucked yay."
- Amanda Maitland
"The ONLY time I want to watch Fox News is RIGHT after a Democrat is elected President!!!"
-Karina Hoel
"Sucks to be a Republican right about now."
- Matthew Herrmann
"Oh man, I was so busy being grateful that Romney lost, I totally forgot about that dbag Ryan. DOUBLE WIN!!"
- Megan Rosenfeld
"So Obama won. Looks like another 4 years of high unemployment. Shitty health care. Mean while he take Air Force one on another 3 yr vacation. Slogan should be no we can't and forward after taking 5 steps back"
-Carlos Quezada
"Politics make people crazy! I'll be happy when the election is over.. I mean it's good to voice your opinion, but getting into heated arguments like its religion... Ridiculous! Just go vote and call it a day"
-Jessa Pollard
"My only political rambling is that people who don't go vote have ZERO right to bitch. I voted!! I feel so accomplished! :)"
- Lindsay Stansfield
"I voted with my brain and my heart... Not with my wallet."
-Nate Heape
"Pls vote everyone. It took me 10 minutes."
-Chelsea Handler
"So America has elected Obama to serve another term! So let him be bold, be brave and be great like America and the world needs him to be."
-Garbage (It was signed Sx. I think that's Shirley, but it might be Steve)
"Well, once you go black . . ."
- George Takei
"(In response to someone asking me if I was voting for Romney) Why yes. Then I'm going to pollute the planet, lie about it, fire the whistle blower who told on me, and attempt to buy another election so I can do it all again with impunity. Then I'm going to fix it so rich white men like me are freed of these stupid restrictions; keep women, minorities and homosexuals in their place; and insure that poor people stay that way. Oh wait-- you mean I'm NOT one of the Koch brothers? Okay.... Ummmm.... No, I guess I won't be voting for Romney."
- Tara Ormonde
"I am not a middle aged white man, so voting for Romney would clearly be a vote for someone who does not have my best interest."
- Virgina Huckaby
"Welp, now all us hard working middle class people with jobs that are supporting all these losers with no jobs, 4 kids, and a shared iPhone plan from sprint for both baby's mamas... You now know where your taxes will be goin for the next 4 years. Again. Good shit America."
-Christian Pa'u
"(In response to above comment) O Christian.. So negative, frankly, I'm ecstatic.. Cuz my ass woulda gotten deported -just sayin lol."
-Roselle Mariano
"Thank you America for embracing the value of freedom and justice...WE DID IT!! :) I guess I don't have to understand what Romney supporters saw in him because Maury Povich just explained it correctly.."
-Scott Ruiz
"I hope everyone who voted for Obama enjoys the massive tax increase due to hit at the beginning of 2013 as Bush's tax cuts will expire; yes those tax cuts expiring affect us all. That means that those of us who make less than $30,000 a year will see about $1,500 less a year and most middle-class families will see about $4,000 less a year. Unless of course President Obama comes through with his promise of tax cuts for the middle-class."
- Brent Clark
"Now im not a political man but I think its really funny that I see so many people that are against Obama and think that they're lives are going down the shitter for another 4 yrs if hes re elected.. hate to break it to everyone buuut America was in the shitter for years before Obama came to office. Progress is a slow process... Rome wasn't built in a day... and you can't run with the big dogs if you piss like a puppy. Pick your poison but in all fairness Obama came into a shit storm of a situation and I kinda feel no matter who was elected president would have had their work cut out for them. Stop making complaints and pointing fingers at Obama supporters. Your Romni vote counted just as much as any one of Obama's."
- Chris Williams
"Why is it that when people don't get their way they automatically turn into ugly, name calling children? Boggles my mind! It was an election and it didn't turn out how YOU wanted it, get over it! You win some, you lose some and this one obviously wasn't yours! How about growing up, accepting it and making the best of it!!"
- Joshua Stewart
"I say to us as Americans, let us all truly begin to work together to make this nation better than it is. We have work to do and it can only be accomplished by working together and not splitting us as a people. Congratulations America for your votes, now let's get to work."
- Jason Colby
Dear Reader,
I would like to remind readers that none of the above quotes are my own, these are all people I love and respect. Even though I tease them, it doesn't give anyone a license to ridicule them for their beliefs. Please understand that I am not making a political statement, but a freaking joke. If you must debate, please do it like a gentleman, and challenge them to a game. May I suggest Battleship?
Like all good things: The Terminator, Frakenberry cereal, Captain EO, Monopoly at McDonald's; I am back. The past month has been a crazy one with big titles dropping at work, a visit from my Mother, and my procrastination getting the better of me. But fear not gentle reader, I am back with a ton of shit to talk about. Enough to hopefully keep you entertained all the way through the holiday season. Starting with my trip to The Book of Mormon.
Before I go to further, you do know what The Book of Mormon is, right? Trey Parker and Matt Stone teamed up with the creator of Avenue Q and produced their first Broadway musical. It got the Tony for best Musical last year. Seriously. Proof:
Earlier this year I turned 31. What's that? Aw thank you. I think I look very good for my age too. This is why we are friends. Where was I? Oh yeah. My BFF asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that I was dying to see The Book of Mormon. And like that, the tickets magically produced themselves. That's how good Lesley is at finding tickets. Wanna see some band in concert? Talk to Les. Can't get tickets for the show you wanted to see? Lesley is your gal. Looking for the best deal on rooms in Vegas? She's got you covered. It's like she's an entertainment genie, just rub her and make a wish. (WARNING: Last comment was not an endorsement to be taken literally, for too many people rubbing his woman would cause Lesley's boyfriend to murder me, and I kinda like my life.)
We planned on going the day before her birthday (which is now today, so please wish her a Happy Birthday if you know her and value your own life). As we were getting the tickets, we had the age old debate of do we take our wives, or leave them at home. After much deliberation on our part (I think we finished all our Chipotle before we came to an actual decision) we decided that we would go just ourselves because in 17 years of friendship, we had not seen a play or musical just the two of us. Odd right? Even after meeting and becoming friends through High School theatre, we still hadn't seen a show just us. Also, much to our good fortune, our wives did not care in the least that we were going without them. Although, I must admit, they had typical answers of a straight/gay couple.
Gay Couple:
Me: Lesley and I are going to get tickets to see The Book of Mormon just the two of us so we can cross it off our bucket list. Would you be upset if we didn't take you?
Jason: Not at all sweetie. I appreciate you telling me up front. It's not a big deal.
Straight Couple:
Lesley: Hey. Topher and I are going to the Book of Mormon. Would you be upset if it was just him and I that went?
Rod: I don't even know what that is, so . . . . no.
We arrived at the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood, promptly at 7pm. Our plan was to eat at the Irish Pub two doors down from the theatre. Normally I am all for an Irish dinner complete with beer. However, on our journey we passed a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles two streets down from our destination, and I was immediately dismayed that this information was not brought to my attention earlier. Lesley claimed she did not know about my love for Roscoe's, which I can understand. It's one of those facts about me that a lot of my friends don't know about. 9 times out of 10, I go for the Irish Pub, unless you throw some Chicken and Waffles my way. If you are one of the people I eat out with from time to time, here is my restaurant hierarchy:
1.) Napa Rose
2.) Roscoe's
3.) Irish Pub
4.) Sushi
5.) Red Lobster
6.) Sandwich place
7.) Mediterranean cuisine
8.) Everything else
9.)Macaroni Grill
10.) IHOP
Never in a million years) Burger King
Unfortunately for us, there was about a bajillion people in the Pub, and there was no way we were going to have enough time to eat and make the show. I doubt we could even order before the Mormon's began singing their little hearts away. As we walked towards the theatre feeling hurt and rejected, we found a small Doughnut/Deli. Knowing how much I like sandwiches, Lesley asked if this was an OK trade off. Two words: Pastrami Croissant. That equals Crazy Delicious in my spectrum of food. They even had a vegetable sandwich for Lesley, since she had to give up meat due to her condition that I am not allowed to speak of. But we can keep this between us. Right? It may not have been an Irish Pub, but it was so damn good eating. Here is Lesley enjoying her vegetable sandwich:
We approach the theatre and see the most epic shirts on the planet. To which Lesley turned to me and said, "I need to get that for Eric as an early birthday present." Not wanting my HLM to have one without me, I bought myself one as well.
Standing in front of the merchandise booth, I knew I was in for a great musical experience. I had already listened to the soundtrack several times (having received it as a 30th birthday gift from my HLM Eric) If I had more money, I would have bought the shirt with the slogan "I'm Gonna Man Up All Over Myself" and the white boxer shorts that said "I Have Maggots in My Scrotum." But alas, I is one poor Mo Fo and could only afford the one.
Unfortunately, while I had left her alone to make my purchases, some crazy Mormon with too much spirit came by and kicked Lesley right in the head. Fortunate enough for me, I saw said moment coming and was able to capture it on my phone.
Then I got hit with what Lesley so lovingly refers to as the "Gay Trap"
We sat in our epic seats, and watched one of the most hilarious musicals I have ever seen. Listening to the soundtrack is awesome. Seeing it in motion is ten times better. You know you're in for a treat when they begin with Moroni burying the tablets that his father gave to him because Jesus (in a light up robe) told him to do so. Directly from there, it jumps in to a song about Mormon's going door to door, which had the same feel to it as the telephone song in Bye Bye Birdie.
This play had everything. Including a guest appearance from Yoda. Lesley would have enjoyed it more if the guy two seats down had shut his face and stopped singing along with the actors. I have to admit, I am on her side. If you paid $100 bucks to see a show, you want to hear the actors sing it, not the asshole next to you. I get that people sing along at concerts, but that is normal protocol. During a play, you should remain silent or have fits of laughter. Maybe even a few witty retorts here and there, but you have to pick your moments. The only time I have ever said something in a play that was above a whisper was in Rent when Maureen asked me to "Moo" with her. And I "Moo"ed my little heart out.
But even Mr. Sing-Along-Sam couldn't kill this moment for us. If you have the chance to go see it, you will not be disappointed. I am very judgmental of musicals, and this was the first one since Rent that I walked out saying, "I loved it." We laughed. We cried (from laughing too hard). We took silly pictures:
And we capped our evening out with a trip to In-N-Out, because that's what going to see a musical is all about.
The only bad thing of the night was Lesley and I saw Neil Patrick Harris outside of the theatre. And what do I do? Step on him. How embarrassing. But when you wear a size 14 shoe, it's kind of hard to see where you're walking.
