Tales of the Zodiac #4: The Age of Aquarius

I will never make the mistake of dating another Aquarius. Mostly because I plan to be in this relationship for life. But if by some weird chance that changes, never again.

I would like to go on record and say that Aquarians are one of the most frustrating signs you will ever meet (notice I didn't call them assholes, just frustrating, BIG difference). For example, they are the sign of the water barer but their element is air. Confused? You should be. Much like their air brethren (Gemini and Libra), people born under the sign of Aquarius tend to be a dichotomy of sorts, leaving behind a sense of bewilderment in their wake. If you are fortunate enough to know any of these individuals, you may have noticed some of the following attributes of an Aquarius.

1.) An Aquarius usually suffers from correcttes, a disorder much like tourettes but with the inability to not correct people. It could be anywhere from a simple mathematical error, faulty grammar, a recollection of events, or a misquote. An Aquarius will always be the first person to correct you, without any restraint on their behalf. You could be a professor in the middle of a lecture and your Aquarius student would interrupt you to point out your mistake. Are they wrong? Most of the time they are right. Is this behavior found frustrating? Absolutely. So why do they do it? My opinion is that it comes from the Aquarians golden rule: I am always right. Being right is almost as important as breathing air to an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub.

2.) An Aquarius wants their options. You cannot tell an Aquarius what they are going to do. They interpret that as an act of trying to control them. If you want to go out to dinner with an Aquarius, present them options to choose from. Nine times out of ten, they won't make up their mind and will go along with what you want to do. But if you don't give them a chance to have an opinion, they will immediately be upset by the fact they always end up doing everything that you want to do.

3.) Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. Think narcolepsy, but still awake. Its like someone pulled them out of the Matrix or disconnected them from their Avatar. The lights are on, but no one is home. Example:

Me: How was your day?

Jason: Not too bad.

Me: Well that's good.

Jason: So check this out.

Me: (Waiting to hear what he has to say)

Jason: (Glazed over look)

Me: (Tilting my head because I am confused why he stopped talking)

Jason: (Staring off into space)

Me: (Wondering if he had a stroke)

Jason: (Picking at the lint on his shirt)

Me: (Finally tired of the silence) Yes?

Jason: What?

Me: You were saying?

Jason: Oh, so check this out (and continues on like nothing happened)

Me: (Wondering if he was aware of his mental lapse.)

I did leave out the part about them being loyal, trust worthy, honest, intellectual, and friendly. Those are the qualities that I love about my Aquarius and that keep me from kicking his scrawny ass to the curb.

I quote Jason: "I never said my relationship was perfect, its just better then yours."

 

Thank you, Jason, for the best 8 years of my life.

Avenge Me

May the 4th be with you, because it was not with me. I had every intention of waking up in the morning and reaching out to all my wonderful readers, and this was the day my internet decided it wanted to pick a fight. It wasn't like our normal fight where it decides to randomly go down and I have to give it the boot or when it leaves the toilet seat down and I end up peeing all over it in the middle of the night (the last one might be Jay's fault, but I still blame that modem bitch). No, this was an all day fiasco that ended in us going our separate ways before I made my modems new home the trash can outside. Normally the day would have completely brought me down. But not yesterday, oh no, not on Joss Whedon Day.

Since the day I discovered the release date of Joss Whedon's Avengers, I had plans. I would not settle for anything less then seeing it at the midnight launch. Just like the Avengers, I assembled my usual suspects of viewers: Jay, Eric, Steph, Troy, Teddy, Lesley, and Rod (I know I'm a weirdo, but every time I write Rod's name I flash to Bad Romance and go "Rod Rod, Rod Rod Rod . . ."). The theater I chose was tucked away in the "vast hills" of Rubidoux, where many people forget of its existence, and thus making the showing not so crowded. My seven companions and I were joined by 200 of some of the biggest nerds the Inland Empire could produce. If you had an IT problem that night, you probably couldn't get through to someone because they were at Avengers with me.

Now I have been to the last 3 Star Wars midnight launches as well as the last 6 Harry Potters, and at each screening there was a handful of people who dressed up to see the movie. I momentarily contemplated dressing up like Harry Potter for the Avengers, but due to the fact I had to work that evening the odds were not in my favor. Next I decided on my Avengers shirt that I bought at this classy place called Target, but due to my current weight loss, its now a tent on me.

Instead of being one of those guys that wears a shirt of the band they're seeing, I went with my Punisher shirt. Same universe, but not in the movie. As I stroll up to the theater, I see nine people wearing my original shirt idea. Oh yeah. I totally turned into that girl at prom when she sees another bitch wearing her dress. I totally looked better in mine.

I would have gone with this shirt:

But I think that would have been showing my age.

We pile into the theater, and I step off with Lesley to get a frosty beverage and Jay a popcorn. As we get to the counter, Lesley decides that she wants a churro that will take 7 minutes. Glancing at my new watch, I tell her we totally have time. 7 minutes later, they haven't even started making her damn churro. This is when my eye began to twitch because if I did something like this at my restaurant, I would have my ass chewed out by some soup-and-salad Nazi. How dare their ignorance make me miss the trailers. Didn't they know about the new Dark Knight Rises trailer that was said to be attached to this movie? To distract me from my anger, Lesley decided to take a self portrait of us seeing the Avengers.

(Me trying to control my rage)

I take my seat between Teddy and Lesley and brace myself for my trailer. Instead, the manager of the theater steps in and decides to ask movie questions for free tickets and shirts. If anyone knows me, I rock at movie trivia, so naturally I am about to wet my pants from excitement.

First question: "Who replaced Edward Norton-" I didn't even let the man finish, my hand shot up in the air and I belted out "Mark Ruffalo." Two free movie passes, MINE! Next came a barrage of lame movie facts until they came to this gem: "How many cast members of Avengers have been nominated or won an Academy Award?" Immediately I went threw my brain. Samuel Jackson did for Pulp Fiction, Robert Downey Jr. did for Tropic Thunder, Jeremy Renner did for The Hurt Locker, and finally Mark Ruffalo for The Kids Are Alright, making it a grand total of 4. But we were wrong. Apparently they counted lame ass Gwenyth Paltrow (who I hate so much, I don't even care if I spelled her name right) as a cast member. But still, I was rewarded for naming 3 of the 5 and won Jason a nice Avengers t-shirt.

Finally it came down to the movie. For everyone that thought that Joss Whedon was the wrong guy for this movie, I send you a big fat "I TOLD YOU SO, BITCHES!!!!!" It was the first Marvel movie that was done right. It gave each character their time in the spotlight, and delivered like Domino's during the last 20 minutes of the movie. The one liners were all over the place, and the camera shots were pure gold. The acting was right on target, and yes even The Hulk was amazing (did you read that Ang Lee? This is how you should have done The Hulk). That movie was legen, wait for it, dary. I could not have been more happy. I'm ready to go again tonight and maybe twice more, that's how much I loved this film. So even though yesterday was a catastrophe, I rode that Avengers wave of euphoria all day long.

In closing, I leave you with this:

(This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this blog, but since its May 5th, I thought it was funny.)

Tales from the Zodiac part 3: Like a Virgo

Today is the 15th anniversary when I lost my virginity, I decided to write about the sign that is represented by the virgin, Virgos. To be honest, earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) tend to bore me. I'm a Gemini. I move from topic to topic at the speed of light so much that people find me exhausting to be around some days. However, there are aspects of Virgos I do appreciate and is probably why I have several friends that fall under this sign.

TOPHER'S TOP TEN THINGS HE KNOWS ABOUT VIRGOS

1.) They're productive mo' fo's. As a Gemini, I lack productivity. Virgos on the other hand will have already made breakfast, run a mile, put the finishing touches on a 5-year strategic plan for work, and repaired the plumbing in the bathroom; all before I have pulled my lazy ass out of bed.

2.) Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo." Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for any sign of uncleanliness. Which leads into my next point . . . .

3.) Fault finder. Virgos can find faults in people faster then a Scorpio who has been wronged. The difference, Virgos do it in a way they think is being beneficial to you. If they see your faults and present them to you to fix, you will better yourself. If a Virgo had built the Death Star, it would never have been "possible for a single fired bullet into a vent to explode the whole thing." This type of fault finding doesn't end with just you.


4.) They constantly seek to improve themselves. My friend Troy is always looking at himself going, "What did I do wrong," and immediately tries to fix the problem. This would happen more if he wasn't the MOST STUBBORN PERSON I HAVE EVER MET, but I digress.

5.) It is easy to freak out a Virgo. I once told my Virgo coworker that she had something in her teeth.I then proceeded to watch her scrub frantically to dislodge this imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like me.

6.) When Ludacris was talking about "a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed,"he was talking about a Virgo. Attracted first on a intellectual level, but once that occurs, they can unleash their hidden sexuality. Even though they are the sign of the Virgin, their sexual fetishes stray from the vanilla and get into some cray realms. Sleeping with a Virgo is like living the life of a porn site. With a few clicks, you can be in a whole other world that you didn't know existed.

7.) They know if you are only pretending to be nice. Virgos only have about 1 or 2 real friends. They might be friends with a lot of people, but they truly only have a few "best friends." If you are one of these select people, you are either a Virgo yourself, or are of some breed of human that has way more patience then me.

8.) They don't coddle their friends. They're generous, helpful and always concerned about your well being, but they won't hold your hand every time something bad happens. They are not afraid to give you a reality check. If I ever want to hear the blunt reality of a situation, I turn to Heather to lay the smack down in the straight to the point bluntness that only she can deliver.

9.) Don't go through their stuff. If you find a Virgo is keeping something from you don't bring it up.While a Gemini will tell you everything under the sun about themselves, a Virgo has deep hidden layers that should not be poked at unless they themselves bring to the surface.

10.) Knows the value of "true friend." If you are ever in a moment of need, a Virgo will sacrifice just about anything to be by your side. If you have shown them patience, honesty, and respect, a Virgo will bestow upon you the one gift that not many have the privilege to receive: their loyalty.

Girl, please!

It will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me that every now and again I have what I lovingly refer to as "A Girl Moment." Topher's Dictionary defines “A Girl Moment” as an instance where a grown man will respond to something much like a woman would. If this concept is perplexing to you, allow me to give you two recent real life examples.

Girl Moment #1: I was driving in my car a few weeks ago, listening to music from my new iPhone when shuffle had produced "Light My Candle" from the hit Broadway show, Rent. In case you didn't realize, musicals are like sports to the gays. Immediately my mood went from sour to overjoyed and I burst into song with the first line: "What'd you forget?" and turned to the seat next to me expecting my best friend Stephanie to follow up with her line, since this is one of our patented karaoke duets. Much to my dismay, Stephanie was nowhere to be found. Yes, in the explosion of raw musical emotion I had forgotten that I was (gasp) driving in my car by myself. I was not only surprised that Stephanie wasn’t there, I was genuinely sad about it. Girl moment, indeed.

Girl Moment #2: A few weeks ago I was browsing iTunes to check out all the latest music that had been added when I came across the soundtrack to the new Broadway smash, "Newsies." (Btw,I have no evidence that this is indeed a "smash," but nothing can tarnish my impression of this fantastic work of art). Not knowing that this was a new musical, I went to the only person that would care about this as much as I would, my friend Megan. Since I hadn't spoken to Megan in quite some time, I decided to be cute in my message to her on Facebook: "I may have to cancel my subscription to Behind the Times because I was just browsing iTunes and saw that they made a Broadway musical to Newsies. We SOOOOOOO have to go to this. It could be Megan and Topher's Musical Reunion." I looked on my Megan's wall the next day to see if she had commented on my post only to find that it had been deleted. Feeling hurt and betrayed I sent her a direct message asking her if we had "broken up." Several minutes later I got a confused reply and the following interaction took place over Facebook:

Megan: hey! what? why? I read your blog the other day

Me: Okay, I was getting concerned, ‘cause I messaged you a couple times and never heard back from you

Megan: you did? I don' think I got it

Me; I thought I may have done something wrong and was about to sacrifice something on the alter of friendship to win you back

Megan: sometimes I get notifications on my phone and then only see messages I already read

Me: Did you get my post about Newsies on Broadway?

Megan: NO! are we going?

Me: LOL this makes me feel WAAAYYYY better

Megan: awwww, that's hilar! I'm sorry I didn't see that, I wonder where it went!

Me:(Wrote my original post)

Megan:  I saw them perform on the Today show or something and it looked cheesy of course but maybe sort of awesome

Me: I was actually going to blog about this weekend and talk about how my love for Newsies is one of the ways I know I am gay, but it was totally fine because you love it too and accept me for all of my gaydom

Megan: hahahaha, how could I ever cast anyone out for that?! I have a gay bff here at work that loves Newsies too, he's the one that sent me the Today Show clip

This is why I love Megan. She accepts me for my Girl Moments . . . and will see Newsies on Broadway with me. 

Now if only I can get Stephanie to stay in my Civic and stop missing her lines...

Tales from the Zodiac part 2: Attack of the Gemini

After yesterdays post, one of my friends that's a Cancer (I have to have one due to affirmative action) pointed me to a Q&A called "20 Facts About a Gemini." After reading the seven people that posted to this stream, I must admit that I laughed my ass off. My favorite post was from none other then a Cancer. Here was my rebuttal.

1. Flaky - I am not going to deny this claim. It's true. If I were a cereal, I would be a mixture of Frosted and Corn Flakes. I'm a man. I will admit it.

2. Indecisive - This is true, but only to trivial things. I can't make up my mind of where I want to go eat or what we should do this weekend. So much so that I drive people crazy (Hi Jason).

3. Moods change like the weather - You were actually being nice when you compared our moods to the weather. I have been known to run the gambit of emotions in under an hour. It's my new record. Beat that Real Housewife of (insert some city here).

4. Two faced - I have never had two faces. Maybe two chins, but that's what eating Oreos by the sleeve will do to you. Any person in my life will tell you, I am blunt and honest . . . especially after drinking.

5. Adapts to other people and environments easier than other signs - I credit this to my mood changes. Eventually I land on the right one that aligns with the person I am talking to.

6. Manipulative - Who? Me? How dare you! I would never trick people into thinking Jay and I broke up just to see their response. That's evil and . . . oh wait.

7. Low to no emotional depth - Did you not read my post about Up? My Grinch heart has grown three sizes since that film.

8. Most compatible, with Aries, Libra, and Aquarius - Aries? I think they just couldn't spell Sagittarius.

9. Is sensitive but hides it with humor - Who me? I would never do such a thing.


10. Hate being wrong or apologizing - Wait a minute. That's an Aquarius attribute. I don't give a rats ass about being wrong and I will apologize when I am. I quote Stephanie when I say "it's when I am right and you tell me I am wrong is when I get pissed off." Uh oh. My mood changed to anger and I can't decide what to switch to next. DAMN YOU INDECISIVENESS.

11. Most can talk **** and win a fight verbally, too cowardly to fight physically. - You got me. I am too much of a "coward" to physically fight someone. Its because of this that I am not a wife beater or in anger management. My cowardliness has reduced me to a weak shell of a man with my only weapon being my intelligence. 

12. Thinks with logic than feelings.- How could I think with my feelings if I have no emotional depth? But I am sensitive. Quick, say something funny.

13. Can be very promiscuous especially the men - Did I just get called a whore?

14. Most Gemini's are either Bi or curious. - Now I'm a Bi whore? (Topher fun fact of the day. I actually classify myself as bi-sexual because I am attracted to both genders. It's cause I am indecisive.)

15. They are private people not so much as the water or earth signs. - I am a private person. After Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn, there's the allusive Gemini. I keep my feelings very close to the chest, and would never post them on a blog for the whole world to see. That's just crazy talk.

16. Can be sneaky and back stab. - Sneaky I will give you. Back stab, not so much. I prefer the front stab method, so that they know its coming.

17. They are an open book and don't like secrets, I know I'm contradicting 15. - What? You contradicted yourself? But you were so accurate up til this point. Lets pretend this didn't happen and move on.

18. Evokes strong reactions from people - This is true. I quote my friend Bev when she tried to describe me to her husband. "I have always described you as a very clever guy that some people might find annoying, but at the same time, everyone needs a Topher in their life"

19 They have good luck with the opposite sex - I'm sorry. I just picked myself off the floor from laughing too hard. What were you saying?

20.They like to talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk - . . . . . Guilty.

And then came the final message:

"Source(s):

Cancer
Knew a few Geminis, dont **** wit them."

 

And that's one to grow on.