The Bathing Dead

 The world may truly end in 2012, but not because of the so-called Mayan calendar prediction everyone keeps spreading around. On November 16, the last Twilight movie will come out, thus signaling the series ultimate departure from our pop culture arena. What will the thousands of single woman do now that their beloved sparkling vampires will not return? Some are already cuddled up with their twenty cats and a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. Others are probably huddled in a corner because they just realized they bought Comic Con tickets and have nothing to stand in line for three days for. I am currently conducting an experiment based on the hypothesis that the recent heat wave is being caused by all the Twilight fans going into menopause at the same time due to the absence of their Captain McSparkle-Pants and his cheating girlfriend. Unfortunately, my funding was cut. Apparently people aren't as hot for vampires as they use to be. Zombies are the new dead craze.

About six months ago, I was all for the Zombie sensation. At least this craze would stop teaching woman that they're nothing without a man in their life.

But like all crazes, someone took this one a little too far. Don't get me wrong. I like to pretend with the best of them. I still like to imagine that I have a latent x-gene and will develop some type of mutant power like the X-men. Although I am glad this will never happen. With my luck, I would get lame powers like Aquaman.

But people today actually believe that a zombie apocalypse is going to occur.Like at some point, Twilight made us all stupider and the actuality of a zombie apocalypse became possible. I mean lets face it, there are people out there that believe Kim Kardashian has talent. Zombie apocalypse has to be in the same believable ball park.

I first noticed the zombie pandemonium when I was talking to a friend of mine who had been going to the gym more regularly. His response, "I'm in training for the zombie apocalypse. Gotta work on my cardio if I want to survive." Me being the practical joker, I laughed at this reasoning and started coming up with slogans in my head that looked like this:

Things took a weird turn one day when we went to Bass Pro Shop and found this nestled in with all the survival gear they had for sale:

Normally this would be a cute joke. But it was literally filled with survival gear like tape, bandages, food rations and a machete. It even included several pamphlets on how to survive a zombie attack.

This would have been cute for a Halloween gag. But seeing how this was in the middle of June, why was Bass Pro Shop selling these? And an even better question to ask, what moron is buying enough of these to constitute a demand for such a product?

Then came the straw that broke the camels back. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) started putting out an ad campaign about zombie outbreaks and what to do if you're bitten by a zombie. No joke. They devoted a section of their website to answer questions and concerns the public may have. Don't believe me? Here's the link. They even have their own advertisement.

The zombie craze took a scary turn on June 1st in Miami, Florida. Apparently a man named Rudy Eugene, 31 (my age I would like to point out), was gunned down by police officers for "eating almost the entirety of a homeless man's face off." The victim did survive, however the doctors were having trouble reconstructing his face. Originally it was deduced that Eugene had been smoking bath salts, in which the side effect is...cannibalism.

That's about the time the outbreak struck. Every time you turned on the news, there was another epidemic that surrounded bath salts. The weirder and more inhuman the assault, the more likely the perpetrator is to have been abusing the synthetic drug known as “bath salts”. Chew a guy’s face off? Bath salts! Throw your intestines at police? Bath salts! Watching The Jersey Shore? Bath Salts!

But just like The Jersey Shore this story is full of bullshit. For one thing, Eugene was listed as having only marijuana in his system when he was killed by the police. Second, which I was unaware in the first place, ‘bath salts’ is only a nickname. Sold legally in many states, the drug is primarily a variant of methylenedioxypyrovalerone, and has effects similar to those of crystal meth: agitation, hallucinations, high blood pressure. The nickname came from their physical similarities and nothing more. Maybe they fizzle when placed in water, but I doubt you'd get the same soothing experience as Chandler did on Friends.

To be clear: actual bath salts won’t turn you into a zombie. With their soothing capabilities, they’re more likely to turn you into a mummy before a walking dead (wait . . . is there a difference?). Due to the wide spread panic, the CDC had to revoke their earlier joke about zombies, and actually state that their is in fact no evidence to support a zombie epidemic. It's almost like our generations version of Orson Well's War of the Worlds. Only replace aliens with zombies. I imagine people hovering around supermarkets and malls, scoping out their safe house for when the outbreak hits.

My advice, if you are talking to someone who is dumb enough to believe that zombies could actually become an epidemic, this is your golden opportunity to fuck with them. Post caution tape or medical contamination signs around your house.

 Maybe you'll finally stop getting those 8am doorbell rings asking you if you'd like a copy of The Watchtower.

Cover your house in bath salts. Make people think you're on the verge of changing. Cover your house in weapons and tell people you are stalking up for the zombie apocalypse. And I am not telling you to do something like this . . . but I'm not gonna lie . . . I thought about it.

First sparkly vampires, then the walking dead. I am afraid to think what the next craze will be. Can't we go back to those slap bracelets we had as kids that could "allegedly" slice your wrist if not used correctly? Maybe even parachute pants. Those were way better then these skinny jeans kids have now days that show of their sad chicken legs.

And if for some reason I am wrong and there is a microscopic chance that zombies could become real, I did come up with a back up plan. I am only going to surround myself with vegetarians like Lesley and Rod. Why? You know what vegetarian zombies eat, don't you?

I'm totally safe. ;-)

Why I Hate Burger King

This just in. Apparently I over use the word "hate" in reference to how I feel about certain things. This was first brought to my attention by Ms. Lesley-Anne back in the day (which was a Wednesday), when I was young. According to Lesley, and Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets, the word "hate" should be used sparingly or else it loses its severity. The other day, I was told this again, which made me do the "stop and think" face, which is very similar to the "should I go poop now, or wait until I get home" face.

What I have come to realize is that I do not over-use the word "hate;" turns out I really just "hate" a lot of things! I don't think that it's because I'm an asshole (like Troy), or even a negative guy in general, it's just that softer word choices, such as "dislike" don't capture what I'm feeling when I am expressing things that I don't like.  Let's just say I've never been the guy that can look someone in the eye while fighting and say, with a straight face:  "I'm a tad bit peeved right now."  That being said, I'm going to TRY and work on expanding my horizons and think outside of black and white terms.  I'd be foolish to say that I can only "love" or "hate" things...so, in order to satisfy Lesley, and prove to a certain Virgo that I am not stubborn, I have compiled a list (in no particular order) of ten things I will only use the word "hate" when referencing.

1.) Hilary Duff

2.) NOTW stickers

3.) Butter

4.) The Kardashians

5.) Dave Matthews Band

6.) Dusting the house

7.) Jettas

8.) "Love Song" by Selena Gomez

9.) Freddie Prinze Jr.

10.) Burger King

Cancers almost the list...we'll say they got "Honorable Mention." While they do annoy the crap out of me, there are some Cancers out there I do love, and they didn't steal Sarah Michelle Gellar away from me.

But back to my hate.  How did these things earn their place on the hate list? Let's explore Burger King.

I have not eaten at a Burger King in over 18 years. That's right. That's how much I hate the place. When I am in a group of people, and they want to eat at Burger King, I say, "I'll pass." What I'm really thinking is, "I'd sooner die," but I digress... What do I hate about the BK Lounge?  The disgust is split 3 ways:  Part of it is the quality of food. Part of it is the horrible service. And part of it is their weird creepy mascot.
 
The major reason is the fact that I had the worst food experience of my life there, and the second grosses food story I know. Here's a friendly warning. If you love Burger King, you may want to stop reading, because you may never eat there again.

I was 13 years old, the last time I ate at Burger King. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to try this Whopper that everyone spoke so highly of.  I mean, Burger King is Home of the Whopper, and this was something I just had to experience.I remember holding the bag of food on my lap as we drove home, curious about how good this burger was going to be. I watched my mother and sister pull their meals out of the bag, and devour them like nothing special. Me on the other hand, I was savoring the moment. I ate every single one of my mediocre fries, just so I could save this awesome burger for last.

I unwrapped my Whopper and thought to myself, "I don't see what the hype is all about. It looks like every other fast food burger." I closed my eyes and took the biggest bite I could. To this day, I can't remember what that burger tasted like. The only memory I have of that moment was trying to pull the bite I took away from the burger, and not being able to. This was an odd moment for me. Normally when you take a bite of something, it separates from whatever it was formerly attached to. Not this Whopper. Something was making that bite cling to the rest of the burger for dear life. I decided I need to give it some force.

Have you ever brushed you hair? You know when your brush gets caught on some tangles in your hair if you pull harder on the brush, you hear and feel the hairs snapping? That's what I was experiencing. But not from a brush. Oh no. I felt it across my teeth.

I have had people send food back because they found one lousy hair in their food. BFD. It was probably your hair to begin with. If you think that is bad, try biting into a hairball the size of a hamburger patty, only to find out that's what your doing because you can feel the hair break off in your mouth. Yeah, have that happen, and THEN we'll talk.

I remember spitting the burger out and being confused as hell. I opened up the burger and searched for this massive hair ball. No hair was to be seen. Thinking I was crazy, I did one of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life . . . I took a second bite. Not only did the exact same thing happen, but I nearly gagged trying to break off the bite of hamburger. As I dropped the bite from mouth, I noticed the most peculiar thing. My little hamburger bite was hanging off the burger by several strands of hair. This is also when I noticed the hair was not on my burger, but rather it was the burger. Someone had taken one of their hair clumps (I am guessing from their brush) and inserted it into the ground beef so that it was hidden inside the patty.

That's about the time I threw up my mediocre fries, and swore to myself that I would never step foot into a Burger King ever again.  And since then, I don't "dislike" it.  I don't "prefer" to eat elsewhere.  I HATE it. Life may be too short to hate, but I stand by my choice.

P.S. For those of you who are wondering why that story only made the second grossest food story I know: A friend of mine worked for a certain major theme park in outdoor vending. After a busy day, they were cleaning out one of the Frozen Lemonade carts and found a dead rat was lodged inside near the top. He and his co-worker deduced that the rat had crawled in the machine sometime last night, and the person who loaded it in the morning did not see it. And that machine was serving Frozen Lemonade to people. All day.

Dead rat trumps mystery hairball.

Bye Bye Mr. Pasta Bowl Guy

Today is my last day working for the Olive Garden. Almost two months ago, I turned 31 and realized that 13 years of my life is enough to give to the food industry. Ultimately, I did not spend four years to get a degree in psychology to be a manager at Olive Garden. Although I have seen my fair share of bad times at the OG, I can't help but look back on the fond memories that I have, the relationships that have formed, and all the calories I gained from their delicious yet fattening food.

For those of you who have never worked for the Garden of Olives, allow me to impart some knowledge that I feel everyone should know:

1.) There is no such thing as fettuccine sauce. Fettuccine is a pasta, not a sauce. Alfredo is the sauce most commonly associated with fettuccine. There. You have just learned what 50% of the population did not. It's all down hill from here.

2.) Stop pronouncing Italian words phonetically. It is not pronounced fag-e-oli. Minestrone is not called mine stron.

3.) If you order Endless Soup and Salad, this does not make you an easy customer. In fact, it is the exact opposite. OG fun fact:  the servers make your soups and salads, unlike all the other food that comes from the kitchen. Modifying your salad and soup only makes their life harder, and isn't very gratifying when you leave a dollar as a tip for the eight bowls of soup they brought you.

4.) We do not serve day old bread. All of our bread is toasted right before it is sent out to the tables. If you have received a "hard" breadstick (gigitty), it's because it was left in the oven a little longer then normal.

5.) Olive Garden does not carry blue cheese dressing. They have never carried blue cheese dressing. They have always had Italian dressing, after all, they are an Italian restaurant. Here is a list of commonly asked for things that Olive Garden does not carry:
Thousand Island Dressing
Hamburgers
Chips and Salsa
Pickles
Jalapenos
Tapitio
Enchiladas
Potato Salad
Horseradish
Crackers
Grilled Cheese
Chopsticks
Ham and Pineapple Pizza
Root Beer
Chicken Noodle Soup
Clam Chowder
Chili
Breakfast
And my personal favorite . . . . schrimps

6.) Olive Garden did not create Moscato. It's been around for many years, and is available in all the classy wine places like Stater Brothers and Wal-Mart.

7.) You are not fooling anyone by sharing an all you can eat item. Next time you do this, just remember your server is probably talking smack about you with their buddies in the kitchen.

8.) Salad is per-person, not just for the table like the bread. Olive Garden just serves it in a big bowl or as they like to call it, family style.

9.) The portion sizes did not get smaller. If you are eating at Olive Garden before 4pm, you are eating a lunch portion.

10.) If you happen to be dining at the Moreno Valley location, treat these people with respect. It's true what they say on the commercials, "When you're here, you're family." These people have been my family for the last six years. Some I trained how to be extraordinary at their job. Some helped me through some difficult times. And even though I will no longer be working with them, they will always have a special place in my heart. They may not be able to call you an asshole. But I can. Sometimes in a blog (Hi Troy).

I'm not gonna lie, it's hard leaving the Olive Garden. Even as I was writing this, I started missing everyone I work, or rather worked, with. But I just got an email that sums it up the best:

Hi Toph-

Just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you for making a decision to leave Olive Garden.  Not that I have anything against the OG. :)

The reason I'm proud is that most people wait to get fired or offered another job, and basically let life happen to them.  It's in the moments when we choose something for ourselves and make our own decisions that we truly set the course for our lives. That's why I'm proud and will continue to support you on your job search. 

I hope that your day is filled with an amazing amount of love and gratitude for the people and experiences that the job has offered you. 

Lets hang next week. 

XO

Les

. . . . . Damn Scorpios. Always trying to make me cry. :-)

Sibling Rivalry

 Thirty-four years ago today, Marnie Huckaby graced this world with her presence. I am pretty sure she would tell you that times were simpler back then. But in 1981, the worst thing to ever happen to my sister occurred. I was born. She had just shy of three years as the only child, and I know there were days she wished it would have gone back to that. I am not going to say that my sister and I never got along. There were some days in there where we were just fine. Pairing a Cancer on the cusp of a Leo with a Gemini sure didn't help the equation, but my parents were never believers in astrology and therefore did not take our charts into consideration when they were trying to conceive.

For the last ten years, our relationship is probably the best its ever been since my mother caught us in her kitchen playing with Tupperware on our heads. Maybe it took some growing up to see what we couldn't as children. Maybe distance healed old wounds and now we can finally bridge a gap of understanding. Maybe this is one of life's great mysteries that will never be explained. Or maybe I am just less of a pain in the ass.  Whatever the answer, I am here to share some of the loving memories I have of my sister.

 1.) When I was about to be born, my parents sat down with my sister and asked her what she thought my name should be. Great deliberation was taken on her part. After a grueling five seconds, she responded with Nina Tuna if I was a girl and Television if I was a boy. Yesterday my mother said she thought my sister was clairvoyant in her youth because Television would have been a pretty accurate name for me. Virginia Huckaby, being the reason for my therapy bills since 1988.

2.) When we were younger, my parents had us do all the same activities. Band, choir, dance, karate. We were pretty well rounded kids. Dance was the only activity that produced some pretty embarrassing pictures. I think at one time we were both sporting a mullet, but cannot be confirmed due to the hiding of said photographic evidence. However, I do remember my sister breaking her foot in karate, ending our martial arts career in one kick. When I look back on this, it was a actually a good thing it ended when it did, and I have to wonder if my sister planned this all along.

3.) The two movies I quote that only my sister ever gets is A Few Good Men and The Cutting Edge. It surprises me to this day how much I quote those movies and the only line people remember is "Toe-pick." Ever time I say "Jesus Christ Cathy, you're in the NAVY for crying out loud," I always expect to hear my sister chime in with "nobody likes her very much."

4.) When my sister first got her car, my parents had put in a 12 disc CD changer for her. Since this was also the year she started driving me to school, I cannot hear certain albums without thinking of driving in my sisters little Toyota Carola. This is also proof that my sister and I are eclectic in our musical tastes:
Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill
Snoop Dogg  Doggie Style
Weezer The Blue Album
Eazy-E Eazy-Does-It
The Presidents of the United States of America Self Title
Sublime 40 Ounces to Freedom
Joan Osbourne Relish
The Fugees The Score
Prince Purple Rain
Everclear Sparkle and Fade
Natalie Merchant Tigerlily
Garth Brooks No Fences

5.) About three years ago, I went to visit my family in Charlotte and got to meet one of the cutest little kids I know. I remember my sister handing him over to me to hold and this little hand started playing with my facial hair.

Five minutes later, he was asleep on my chest, and he stayed there for an hour, taking a nap.

It was in that moment that my Grinch heart had grown three sizes, and my nephew would always be my "Little Buddy." I remember thinking to myself, my sister couldn't have done any better then this. Two years later, "Little Buddy the Sequel" was born.

I don't love one nephew more then the other. However, I do find it rather poetic that my sister's youngest boy is a Gemini and acts just like his Uncle Topher..

There are many things I have to thank my sister for. My quick wit. My ability to match clothing. My appreciation for all kinds of music. But above all else, making me the happiest Uncle in the world.

All Rise: My Spoiler Free, Dark Knight Review

4 hours of sleep. That is what I am running on while I write this beautiful piece of literature. Even I couldn't type that with a straight face.

Why the lack of sleep? Because I was one of millions at the midnight release of The Dark Knight Rises. I prefer to go to midnight showings of bigger movie releases for one pure simple fact: none of my friends can ruin the movie for me. P.S. Batman dies. Ah crap. I should have said spoiler alert. Oh well. David Letterman already let it slip. Or did he? Muh ha ha ha.

If you are still reading this, thank you for remembering that I do have a sense of humor and applaud you for not going bat shit crazy, pun intended. Since you stuck around through my moment of assholery (is that even a word? I should totally make it one), I will give you my spoiler free movie review.

This movie was in one word: Awesome. In two words: freaking awesome. But I do have some disclaimers for you ten readers who didn't see it last night.

1.) Please remember that this movie is fiction. The second most irritating thing about going to a movie is sitting next to someone who calls out the film when it becomes unrealistic. Enter my good friend Rod. Leave it to a Capricorn to prove that this movie couldn't happen in real life based on science. My response, No Shit. I love you Rod (gigitty), but never once was I watching any Batman movie and thought to myself, "This could totally happen."

It was like the time I got into an argument with someone over Superman: The Return. Here I am talking about a lame story idea and horrible acting. My friend turns around and says, "Yeah. And it was so fake. Like the scene with the bullet bouncing off his eye." Of course its fake. Its freaking Superman. How many times have you seen an alien crash land on earth, looking exactly like us, being raised by southerners, and have super powers? Maybe that kind of thing happens in Canada, but not here.

Will you have to dispense some amount of realistic belief? Yes. Is it anymore then any other superhero movie? No. Here's a good rule of thumb. If you have ever been that person watching a James Bond film and got upset because it was unrealistic . . . don't see this movie.

2.) Please don't take your small children to see this movie. This is the most irritating thing about going to a movie. It's so irritating in fact, it makes my eye twitch like I am about to have a seizure. I did almost stroke out once when I went to see 28 Weeks Later and this couple brought their four year old. But who am I to question parenting? I let Piper walk all over me, sometimes literally (BTW, that's how you use that word correctly). Where was i? Oh yeah.

It's not that this movie is horrible for children. I just think you should maybe take into consideration the other people in the theatre before bringing a toddler with you. Is the content incredibly horrible for children? Well . . . lets just say it really totes the line of being PG-13. Would I take my four year old to see it? Heck no. They would be crying through all the best parts of the movie. Youngest I would take . . . maybe eight or nine.

3.) It isn't as action packed as its predecessor. Please remember that Christopher Nolan intended this to be a trilogy, and therefore one continuous story. A lot of people went out of the theater saying, "The Dark Knight was better." If you are one of these people, I would like to use Josh Murcray's example. Remove Heath Ledger as the Joker and put another actor in that role. Was the movie that great? Or was Ledger's performance what made it so outstanding?

I think that all three movies as a whole are freaking amazing. One installment could not stand alone and be just as epic as the three combined. I do recommend watching the first two before watching this one. It made the movie that much more for me, and I am sure it will do the same for you.

4.) Bane is not the Joker. You can't take a character so deeply rooted in Batman lore and compare him to Bane. It would be like comparing Superman to Aquaman. Super speed, x-ray vision, super strength, flight, etc, can not compare to the ability to communicate with aquatic life. Tom Hardy does an excellent job, and Bane was a fantastic villain to use for where they took the story. But Joker he is not.

5.) Leave Anne Hathaway alone. Was she better then Michelle Pfeiffer? That's hard to say. I think Pfeiffer got to play a more eccentric Catwoman then Hathaway did. But I will give Anne two thumbs up for accurately portraying the "in it for myself" attitude of Catwoman. Also, I felt this was the best acting I have seen from her with the range she was able to display on screen.

So there you have it. If you can keep those five things in mind, you will enjoy this movie just as much as I did. If you still don't . . . well . . . at least its the last one.

Con de Replay #2

Story #2: Pictures For You

There are three things you can always count on at Comic Con. 1.) A wide arrangement of costumes, 2.) A sea of people carrying over sized bags, and 3.) People snapping pictures like they're the paparazzi. It's true. Every geek in this joint thinks that they are Peter Parker or Jimmy Olsen and start taking more pictures then an Asian tourist at Disneyland (this comment was approved by Asian friend Desiree Lee). I am here to tell you, my wife is one of those camera wielding Con goers. While the majority of our pictures tend to be scenery (AKA, posters or booths as seen below), we do get some awesome pictures of people that make their way into the memory books.

While we did take a picture on stage at the Iron Man booth, I do not have a copy of it as of yet, and therefore cannot post it for your viewing pleasure. However, witness my Top 15 Pictures of Comic Con 2012.

15.) I caught a guy walking around in a Stormtrooper outfit, complete with kilt. How do you not take a picture with him?

 

 14.) Right after our "photo shoot" we took in our costumes, we ran into the cross-dressed Mario Princesses. These guys were the hit of the con. Practically everyone and their mother stopped these two to take a picture with them. We tried to get a better pic, but this is all we could get.

13.) As we were walking around the exhibit hall, we just happened to walk by the booth that had Ransom Riggs signing autographs. If you have no clue who I am talking about, he wrote Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, one of the top selling young adult fiction books for last year and Tim Burton's new movie project. I stopped off and asked him if I could get a picture with him and he replied, "Only if I can get a picture of you. That's how this works."

12.) As we walked past a booth with the Black Widow on it, Millie wanted to take her picture with it in her "superhero" pose.

11.) Another random author find. We just happened to go past Kevin Hearne's booth and each got his first book personally signed. Pretty awesome.

10.) Right before our photo shoot, I needed to eat something really bad. Lesley thought it was hilarious and had to take a picture of me snacking down with Millie. She called it her "Hero on a Lunch Break."

9.) I had to one up her and get the "Hero on a Potty Break."

8.) Every year I see my wife at comic con, and I always get a picture and a hug.

7.) We were walking outside and we saw several people holding up these huge yellow signs, testifying in the middle of the streets at comic con. Most of the crowd got annoyed or angry, but not yours truly. I took this as a golden opportunity that I couldn't pass it up, and I needed a picture with my favorite one.
 Only thing missing is a guy dressed as Superman walking behind me.

6.) As we were waiting in line to take a freaking epic picture, Glenn Howerton and Rob McElhenney from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia walked right past. I tried to get a picture with him, but unfortunately Jason was at the other line. I tried taking a picture, but this was the best I could get. Still awesome.

5.) The random advertisements were in full affect this year. But what made them awesome was the fact that they were missing posters spread out all over town.

4.) I got a picture while in costume with Doctor Doom. Legen-wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the last word is-dary.

3.) Lesley and I only stalked on person this year. And it was this Iron Man. We sauntered over to him like we were claymation characters and I called out "psssssst. Iron Man. Can we get a picture? We're the rest of your team." The guy laughed and said, "Anything for S.H.I.E.L.D."

2.) As we were walking into the con to get our bags, I looked up fifty feet in the air at the atrium, and look what I found nestled in the shrubbery. It was the second most beautiful thing I saw at the entire con.

1.) This was the first. ;-)

To be fair, this one was Jason's favorite picture of the con. We waited for thirty-five minutes to take a picture with Michonne from The Walking Dead.

Con de Replay #1

How was Comic Con? I got to hug a Stormtrooper. If that doesn't say it all, stop reading this post, because the rest of the subject matter will bore you. For those of you sticking around, I know what you're thinking and yes, of course I got a picture.

First thing I said after taking it was, "There's my new blog pic." And so it came to be.

Walking around a convention center with 130,000 people was not an easy task. When I wasn't distracted by all the cool merchandise or costumes like an ADHD kid at Disneyland, I was desperately resisting the urge to elbow some nerd right in the joystick. People at Comic Con bump into you more then men at a gay bar. If you are claustrophobic in crowds, Comic Con is not the place for you.

So why go? Once you get past the hoard of geeks, it is freaking AMAZING. There is never a dull moment with Comic Con. Every time I go, I end up having stories for days. And so, Story #1: The Road to Hawkeye.

Last year I made a deal with Lesley, whom you should remember from previous posts. I told her that if we got tickets to Comic Con, we would dress up together. Like any good BFF, she was in. I started listing off
the steps in order to properly execute this plan. Step 1: Find a costume partner. Check. That one was easy.

Step 2: Figure out who you want to dress up as. This was also not very difficult. With The Avengers movie on the horizon, there was only one costume duo I had in mind, Hawkeye and the Black Widow. If you have
no clue what I am talking about, stop reading this blog immediately, and go see The Avengers. Seriously. It’s the number one grossing movie of all time. There are only 5 of you left in the world who haven’t watched it. Do you really want to be the last person on earth who hasn't seen it?

I present my idea to Lesley. Her response, "I want to go as Emma Frost."

My reply, " . . . . . ."

After a very thorough debate, Lesley had raised some valid, though whiny, arguments. It was like that scene in E.T. when the boys are talking Gertie into dressing as a ghost so that E.T. can go trick-or treating with them.

Her: Getting a black jumpsuit and strapping guns to your leg is kinda boooooring. Anyone can do it.

Me: Its cheap, comfortable and you would look hot.

Long story short, I convinced her that sexy redheads were in this year, and promised we would do Emma Frost and Cyclops next year.Lesley begrudgingly agreed. Which moved my plan to Step 3: Costume
design.

This is the part of the story that is boring. I'm going to give you the highlights so I don't lose you. Choose a version of Hawkeye. I hate purple. Ultimates version rocks. I can't sew. Oh no I'm fucked. Wait Don Daniels is a costume genius. Plead with Don for his help. He's in. Step 3: check.

Then came Step 4: Lose weight so I look like Hawkeye and not Chunky-guy. I now feel like one of those actors who lost or gained weight for a role. I lost 36lbs just so I could look awesome at Comic Con. I'm not gonna lie to you good reader. I became one of the people I use to make fun of. Because of my commitment to this costume, I’ve now actually used the phrase: "I'm not drinking because it's too many calories and I don't need the carbs." I even chewed a Snickers for 10 seconds and then spit it out, just so I could get the flavor without it ruining my progress. But don’t worry about me having an eating disorder or anything. Seriously. I am eating a Blooming Onion from Outback right now.

Eric had one waiting for me when I got home because he knew I hadn't eaten one in 3 months. But I digress. For those of you who would like a visual aid, before:

After:

Then came Step 5: Alter hair to match costume. This was funny. Bleaching and cutting off my hair was not a big deal. I have done it so many times over the years that I knew the strawberry blonde shade works for me. It was shaving off my beard that was the kicker. For the last 8 years I have had some type of facial hair. There are people reading this that have only known me with goatee or beard. I took pictures just so you could see the evolution of my facial hair in reverse. 2012:

 2006:

 2003:

I know. I look totally different. I look so much younger. This is so weird. Etc. Trust me. I have heard them all. But just to answer the two questions lingering in your mind: yes, I am growing my facial hair back because I hate not having it and no, I am not keeping this hair color but rather going
a deeper red.

With all my steps completed, I surveyed the fruits of my labor. Ultimate Hawkeye:

Me:

Best comment goes to my stylist (yes, I have a stylist and she is amazing, so if you need one I will gladly share mine) Heather Weppler with "I saw your picture on Facebook, and I just have to say . . . . You look fucking HOT. I was amazed. I was like 'Oh My God' it was that good." After cheating on her and going to another stylist, she still compliments me. That is a true friend. I heart her face.

Walking the Con with Lesley and Millie was fun. Some folks were amused by the Avengers “Family” walking around. I mean, it’s not every day that you get to see a tiny Black Widow sitting on Hawkeye’s shoulders eating a bag of Doritos while holding a gun. And of course we got some idiots who didn't even know who were (but I told those 4 people to go see the Avengers too, so really, you are going to be the last person if not already). I did enjoy seeing Lesley give the “Are you f*cking kidding me?” face when she got called Dark Phoenix.

I don't see it.

Here are my 4 costume highlights:

1.) As soon as Lesley got there, we decided it was our moment to take pictures while the lighting was good and the crowds were low. As we start posing for our own pictures, waves of people kept coming up to take our picture. It was like we were in a photo shoot for EW. But, it is also where we got these 3 epic shots.

2.) While standing in line, a couple who had gone as Black Widow and Thor but cross-dressed passed by. The guy took one look at Lesley and blurted out, "We so need a picture of us like we are those catty bitches
fighting at prom because they wore the same dress."

3.) During a Starbucks break, they called out: "I have two Iced Trenta Green Teas for Black Widow and Hawkeye." The whole line was laughing as I went to grab our drinks.

4.) This was my favorite moment of the Con. I had gone a large portion of the day with people not recognizing who I was, but then, an 8 year old boy dressed as Captain America ran over to me and asked if he could take a picture with me. I called Lesley over to join the photo, and our mini Captain
America got a huge smile on his face. Lesley and I crouched down in our fighting pose, and Cap raised his shield as his mother took the picture. He thanked both of us and ran back to his mother, who also thanked us for taking a picture with her son. While that picture may have made his day, it certainly made mine. My Grinch heart grew two sizes . . . maybe two and a half.