The PenIs Mightier

Ever play that game would you rather? My friend Lesley and I use to do this all the time when we were in high school. We came up with some of the greatest conundrums to debate over, that still to this day I have no answer to. For example: would you rather pee out your nose or smell with your genitals? Others were clear cut answers. My favorite to this day is: would you rather sweat cologne or fart confetti? I don't care who you are, but the choice is clearly fart confetti. Who wouldn't want to be their own party popper? To question that is just crazy talk.

I can't remember when the topic came up, but Lesley had asked me once if I would rather be a man or a woman. This question falls in to the later category that require no deliberation. Given the choice, I would always choose to be a man. I have a list the size of Rhode Island of why I would never EVER want to be a woman. It starts with pregnancy and menstrual cramps, and ends somewhere along the lines of uneven boob size. And don't even get me started on waxing and makeup. F that.

Just the other day, Lesley asked to ponder the issue; what are some of things that suck about being a man? Being the sarcastic shit that I am, I replied "Well, nothing." She didn't really respond. So I told her the first thing that popped into my head. "Dating women?" This is also the same time that I realized, I should really start thinking before I say the first thing that pops into my head. She still didn't respond, but she didn't have to. Lesley just gave me the same look I get from her when I wear inappropriate shirts in front of her daughter. You know that look...the one that says "I'm going to steal your soul from your body with just a glare." She has really mastered that look over the years. Thanks Jacob.

To make her stop giving me the "Lesley Look of Doom," I came up with a list of what sucks about being a man. For all of my male readers, maybe you can relate to some of these. For all my female readers, maybe this can give you some insight on things that men put up with. If my mom is reading this, this is a good time for you to stop, and go back to playing golf or whatever it is you do in that retirement communi-city you live in. It will just be easier for both of us if you do... less to explain later.

TOPHER HUCKABY'S LIST OF WHAT SUCKS ABOUT BEING A MAN:

10.) Morning wood - I have not yet figured out why 9 out of 10 mornings I wake up to an erection and a full bladder. Where is the problem? I'm glad you asked. I sleep on my stomach. Which means I also wake up with my fully erect penis bent upward and sandwiched between my stomach and the mattress. For those of you who don't have a penis, this type of genital yoga is never comfortable. In fact, this pain is what I think actually wakes me up in the morning. Which is followed by the 2 minute debate of do I get up and go to the bathroom, or lay here some more because while one part of my body is in pain, the rest of it is damn comfortable. The bathroom always wins. This could also be why I hate mornings.

This brings me to my next point:

9.) Trying to pee with an erection. This is not fun. If I had a urinal in my house, this would be no problem. But since I don't, in order to go to the bathroom when my penis is hard as I rock, I am left with only two options. Option A: contort my body into some position where I am able to get a direct shot into the toilet. Option B: Bend my penis down towards the toilet and suffer through the pain. None of these are comfortable, relaxing, or enjoyable, which are the 3 things a man looks for when entering a bathroom. Why do you think we bring reading material with us? On that note, notice that I did not mention sitting down as an option. This is just an all around bad idea because you now have to do both A and B, but also have your penis wedged up against the cold porcelain lip of the toilet. No good comes from this.

8.) Manscaping. Any man can shave his face, but it takes some ninja skills to shave your balls. Why? Once again, I'm glad you asked. You're very insightful today. For those of you without testicles, they were not meant for shaving. How do you shave skin that just hangs there and molds like Silly Putty? Waxing is completely out of the question. I know it's an irrational fear, but every man thinks that if you do wax, you will end up tearing off your balls in the process. This is not a happy thought.

The time it takes to twist, turn and shape your testicles is unreal, plus, one wrong cut, and there goes your sex life. Did I mention cuts in this area take forever to heal, because when you get hard, your skin stretches, which basically opens up any cuts you have. The man who figures out the sure fire way to do this safely in under five minutes would make millions. Most men won't admit to shaving their "boys," but I have no shame...I do it. You know why? I can't tell you how many times a day I have to remove my balls from the death grip they have on the side of my leg. Ever rip tape off your body when that part of your body had hair on it? Imagine if both sides had hair. Welcome to the wonderful world of having hairy balls. And by wonderful, I mean annoying as hell and painful as...you get the picture.

7.) The Handyman. Just because I have a penis, doesn't mean I know how to: work on a car, repair a screen door, build a bookshelf, rewire a house, lay cement, repair a toilet, put in a sprinkler system, or renovate your bathroom. This is not something I was programed to do while I was in my mother's womb (you stopped reading this like I asked you to, right Mom?). True, some men do know how to do some of these things. Maybe even all of them. But not all men are Fix-It Felix Jr. I don't have a magic hammer that can fix everything. Is that a "gigitty" moment? My brain isn't working correctly after imagining my balls getting torn off in a "Wax Gone Wrong" situation.

6.) Proposing. This is never a fun time in a man's life. You have to go out and pick up the perfect ring, and by perfect, I mean the ring that she has been dreaming about her entire life, dropped "subtle" hints about since you became an official couple, and would ruin the proposal if you didn't get the exact one because any other ring would be a symbol of how much you don't care or pay attention to her. Don't try to deny this ladies. I've seen every episode of Sex and The City. I know how you all think. 

And if that isn't bad enough, you then have to plan out a romantic way to pop the question. News flash: men are not romantic. You're probably thinking right now, "Well my _____________ is romantic." No. Your _________ is not romantic. Your _________ has duped you into thinking he's romantic. You show me a man that is romantic, and I will show you a romantic illusionist. Men are not wired to come up with these cute and loving moments that you treasure and squeal about to your girlfriends. What they will do is think about it non-stop, ask people for advice, and finally consult any chick flick they can lay their hands on to come up with an idea that will look thoughtful and loving. Why do you think I watched every Sex and The City? Research.

How did I propose, you ask? I looked at Jason and said, "Well, nothing about this proposal has been traditional, so, here ya go," and threw him the box that had his ring in it. So romantic. Did I mention I would be Big?

5.) Woman live longer then men. True its only about 10 years, but I want those 10 years, damn it.

4.) Prostate exams. Prostate cancer is the male body's version of Russian Roulette. At some point, you get the bullet. Every man dreads the day that they have to start having their doctor poke around their bum, looking for the thing that could one day take their ability to have erections, and have you wearing a diaper for two months. This not a pleasant thought. This is right up there with waxing. 

3.) Impotence. When you're a woman, you can pretty much have sex whenever you want. Even during menopause, when parts of you stop working, you can still have sex. If you're a guy, and you can't get hard, that's pretty much it for you. I imagine this is what caged animals feel like. Remembering a time when they use to be free, to do what they want, any old time. And yes they have pills out there to help with that, but its embarrassing to admit that you need help to get an erection. It's like asking for directions. It's like you're admitting defeat. And Goonies never say die! (Guy Logic).

2.) Losing your hair. While women worry about their figure, men worry about their hair. You ever hear anyone say, "Hey, that bald guy is hot," or "I love running my fingers through your hair . . . that's on the side of your head." No, you don't. Right after you turn 18, men fear the day that their hair will fall out.

1.) Multiple orgasms. No matter how hard we try, or how much we think we can take, we can never match the woman's ability to repeatedly orgasm. This is the ultimate woman trump card. Whenever you hear a guy saying that it must suck to be a woman, play this card, and you will have won the argument. For all you woman who stuck with this blog, even after the hairy balls, this smoking gun is your reward for being a true fan. Go forth into the world, and use what I have given you wisely. Like Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, "With great power, comes great responsibility."

So there you have it. Ten things that suck about being a man. Now if you'll excuse me, Jason needs me to go fix our air conditioner.

Even Millie sees it.