The Con Before the Con

I have always wanted to be a secret shopper. Ever since I was secret shopped by a couple at the Cask n' Cleaver and they reported my amazing service, I have been intrigued by their profession. A few months ago, I applied to become a secret shopper. Imagine my surprise when I was sent the following email:

COMPANY.SHOPP (USA)
You have been selected for a assignment as a Detective Shopper in your area and you will earn $400 per Shopping/evaluation.
Your Part time employment packet will include funds for the shopping.
A full job description will be sent to you before your assignment.
Only interested applicants should respond.
Payment Check/Money order will be in a Certain Amount
That you will be asked to cash your Bank, garnish your wages and have the rest used for evaluation.
Provide the following details if you're interested:
(1) Full Legal Name:
(2) Address:
(3) City, State
(4) Zip Code:
(5) Contact Number
(6) Age: (must be older then 18 years)

Thank You,
Arthur Smith
M A N A G E R

I'm not gonna lie. I was a little skeptical at first. Who puts two "P's" in "shop"? So I decided to take the next step and fill out the information, just to see where all of this would take me. Sure enough, that night . . . at 1am, I received a conformation email from my "new boss" James Giles. The following is the email I received, and in ( ) is what I was thinking while reading said email:

MYSTERY SHOPPER (they apparently went through a merger and already changed their name)
Hello
This is the mystery shopper manager (what an awesome title), I want to bring to your notice that your first assignment will be delivered to you soon via USPS with the instruction (just one?) inside the package that you will carefully read (as opposed to not carefully?) to complete your first assignment, reply to show that you are in Receipt of the message.
Thanks,
James Giles

I know. Sounds like a 13 year old wrote it. And hey, maybe it was. So I replied, because I am a smart ass: "I am in Receipt of message." A week letter I recieved this text message from my "new boss":

James: Hi Good Morning shopper, kindly complete your wal-mart mystery shopper first Assignment that was delivered to you via USPS, and text me the MTCN, amount sent today once your done Asap. text back soon. Thanks.. James Giles

I was on my way to work, but I still had to stop off at the mailbox and see if this was actually legit or a huge scam. I located the huge envelope and pulled out two items: a "check" for $1,750 and a single piece of paper. Normally I don't document so much in my blog, but I want you to see where my mind was going. Also, so you know I am not making this up, here's a picture:

MYSTERY SHOPPER PROVIDES ASSOCIATION (another name change, this company must be in trouble)
Thanks you for applying for the Post of a mystery shopper with us. You are receiving this Check today for your first Secret Assignment. You are advised to deposit the Check at your Bank today upon receipt and withdraw the cash instantly with no delay. (Banks let you cash $1750 dollar checks without a hold? Mine doesn't)

You are to cash it at your Bank and no where else for security reasons (so I am not being advised, I was being instructed. Good to know). Once you have the cash you can go ahead with Wal Mart Evaluation and Then Western union Evaluation (um....who secret shops a Western Union?). First you are allocated $50 for shopping at Walmart. All you have to do is walk into any of its location (any? you don't care? just use my powers of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" and pick one) buy and buy till you exhaust the $50. Remember everything you buy is totally yours. Then You are to deduct another $250 (what happened to my $400? FICA? Why is he getting all my money?) as your commission for this assignment. The remaining money left is for the Western Union section of the assignment.

Please don't inform the Cashier/Western Union personnel about your assignment of performing a customer service evaluation as this might not give exact result (funny how you didn't saw that for my walmart evaluation). To make a transfer with the rest of funds from a Western Union or Money Gram (oh now its an either or? this is a great place to work. They are so clear and precise with their instructions) outlet to our other agent waiting to carry out his own assignment. Western Union or Money Gram RECEIVER'S INFORMATION TO SEND FUNDS TO BELOW:

AGENTS NAME: Marcus Williams (Why did this guy get a money order and I got a check?)
ADDRESS: 81 Port Ave, minneapolis minnesota 55411

Amount: send remaining funds left with you after deducting the money transfer Charges. Reports and information must be sent in ASAP. Western Union receipt should be kept for future references.
It is your first assignment so you will be judged by your performance (judged? not evaluated? How reality competition of you. Am I gonna be on Undercover Boss?). Diligence (best word use so far. You must have found your thesaurus) and swiftness (I guess you haven't figured out how to use that thesaurus exactly) attracts increase in commission subsequently. I will be waiting for your report and the pertinent Western Union info so as to forward on time to Next Evaluator. (Is it just me, or did someone else write that last paragraph? It's like when you are reading someones essay and can tell a paragraph was edited because it doesn't sound like everything else you read.)

You will also provide me with the following report details below,
(1)-How long it took you to get services. (fair)
(2)-Name of the cashier that attended to you at walmart (fair)
(3)-Smartness of the attendant (Smartness? You must have thrown that thesaurus away)
(4)-Wal-mart address (Right, cause I could go to any)
(5)- MTCN # (10 digits) On the Western Union Receipt and Amount sent. (Wait. What? That's all the information you need? You don't have a huge form to fill out like other secret shoppers? This is the easiest job ever)

Your report should be drafted and sent to this email: shopperofficer@aol.com & giles77@outlook.com (who uses an AOL and Outlook email anymore? This letter must have been sent to me from 1998), immediately the transfer is made Asap.
Contact E-mail: Shopperofficer@aol.com
Contact Person: James Giles
Contact Number: (904) 310-0064
Secret Shopper (R) Instructor Officer. M.S.P.A
Regards.

NOTE*** DO NOT FOLLOW ANY OTHER INSTRUCTION ASIDE FROM THIS..THANKS AND GOD BLESS (God Bless? I am going to sue you for not respecting my religion good sir.)

Did you fall out of your chair laughing at this? I sure did. If you're going to scam people, wouldn't you go over this letter in great detail? It wasn't even signed as an official document.

Unfortunately for me, I had to go to work. Unfortunately for James Giles, it was a very slow day. Here was our text message conversation:

Topher: My bank says the check is fraudulent and wouldn't cash it.
James: (No Response)
T: What should I do?
J: Take the check to your bank and complete your assignment
T: They said it was fake. Now what?
J: (No Response)
T: Do you want to talk to them?
J: (No Response)
T: I told her you were my boss. She'd like to speak to you.
J: (No Response)
T: She thinks she can straighten this out. She just needs to talk to you.
J: (No Response)
T: I'm gonna give her your phone number.
J: (No Response)
T: She says it went to voice mail. But you just texted me. Why are you not answering?
J: Can i call you to talk to her?
T: She says she won't talk through me. She needs all of your information so she can contact your company directly.
J: (No Response)
T: She says only people who are afraid of getting there number traced would say that.
J: (No Response)
T: I gave her the information that I had. She says businesses don't have AOL and Outlook emails.
J: (No Response)
T: She also says that businesses will send their employees checks. They do not have employees send money orders to other employees. Is this true?
J: (No Response)
T: Why are you not responding? Have I been fired?
J: (No Response)
T: I can't be fired on my first day. That will look horrible on my resume.
J: (No Response)
T: How am I going to pay for little Timmy's surgery now? We were counting on that $400. And I was going to do this as fast as possible so I could be judged and get more money.
J: (No Response)
T: I think this lady is lying to me. She's the one who is responsible for me getting fired. I'll show her.
J: (No Response)
T: Sorry for the delay. Secruity threw me out for causing a scene. Are you still there?
J: (No Response)
T: Let me know how I can fix this.
J: (No Response)

3 hours later
 (As I was eating my lunch at China One)
T: Ok. I am using my own money and I am going to Wal-Mart. I can just get reimbursed when this whole mess gets sorted out.
J: (No Response)
T: I bought some zip ties, a handkerchief, and baseball bat. Who knew that was under $50? I will be sending my evaluation of Brenda, later.

5 hours later
(After getting home)
T: Is this not poetic justice? I used the items from my secret shop to kidnap the teller from the bank. It's like it was meant to be.
J: (No Response)
T: She keeps telling me that you were trying to scam me. She obviously will say anything at this point. Don't worry, boss, I will get Marcus that money if its the last thing I do.
J: (No Response)
T: She still isn't talking. The bat isn't helping. Might need to spend more of that check on something that will get her to talk. Any suggestions?
J: (No Response)

2 Hours later
(As I was getting more of my Comic Con Shopping done)
T: The best that I got was she says we can try to track your cell phone information and get a hold of you another way. Someone is lying to me. And when I find out which one, they are going to be sorry.
J: (No Response)

Next Morning
(After as I was making my Pop-Tart)
T: I think we may be in trouble, boss. I can't go to jail. Little Timmy has his surgery tomorrow.
J: This number has been disconnected or is no longer in service
T: Was it something I said?

Like I said, if you are going to try and pull a fast one on me, come with your A  game. But just remember, I always bring mine.

I did have one final communication on the matter. I did send something to Marcus Williams address. It wasn't a money order for $1450. It was a 3x5 card with the link to this blog. If he is going to keep scamming people, the least he could do is learn from his mistakes.

Back From Leave

Yes. I am back. I took a three month sabbatical to let my mind rest and find my sense of humor once again. I definitely missed writing, and amusing my loyal followers. I was actually quite shocked at how many people personally messaged me regarding my absence from my blog. For all of you who kept pushing me to keep writing, I would like say, "Thank you . . . now get off my case. Smooches."

While the last three months might have seemed like a vacation from writing, I actually learned a lot of things, not only about myself, but life in general. So as my first trip back to the cyber world, I would like to share these fun facts with you. Maybe you get something out of these. Maybe these are things you already know. And maybe these are things you can tease me about . . . if you haven't already.

TOPHER'S SABBATICAL REVELATIONS:

1.) Don't write angry. Ever since January, I have been in a mood. During this time, I have been called: pissy, moody, irritable, grouchy, bitchy, sassy, cranky, feisty, down right mean, a butt-face, and a "C U Next Tuesday." I am not gonna sugar coat it. I was very moody. I was classifying it as some type of male PMS, since it seemed to happen about once a month and chocolate or ice cream seemed to be the only thing that would sooth the savage beast. That's right. I was living my own personal shark week. And it was not pretty.

I learned two things from my man-strual cycle. Men DO say the dumbest things when you're PMSing and it is never a good idea to write a blog when you're moody. While the first one should have been common sense, I was a little slow on the uptake. I know, ladies, you were right this whole time. I should have listened. I did, however, cancel my subscription to Behind the Times, so this shouldn't happen again. As for the latter, this was more of a subtle discovery. I tried several times to write a blog, and found that my normal whimsical sarcastic wit, was coming off very biting and harsh. And while all my readers do know me as a self proclaimed asshole, it is not the reason they came to read my blog on their lunch break. Hearing about my crazy shenanigans or "philosophical" theories are entertaining. Writing a twelve paragraph rant about the new head of our district being a ________ with a ___________ complex who can take a flying __________ off a ___________ and can suck my _____________ because he is a _________ excuse for a human being, is not really what you came here to read . . . is it? (Sorry about all the ____'s. I have been playing a lot of Mad Libs lately and they're starting to take over my life. Blame Mary-Elizabeth. She gave them to me for Christmas)

2.) Never let Wayne Colby, Jr. live with you. Long story short, Jason's little brother moved into our house back in January. We barely got him out of our house last month. I love my brother in law, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I just want to:

Woo-sah.

Where was I? Oh yes. Trying to be creative and funny in a house with Closed Captioning (What I call Wayne), his new girlfriend, and her three children is like trying to sleep during a hurricane. No matter how hard you try, it just seems to not be working for you. Maybe impotence is a better example. But I digress. 

Everywhere I turned it was question after question. What are you doing? What game is that? What are you watching? Is that book good? How long are you going to be in the bathroom? Are you guys having sex? How do you cook chicken? Does this look infected to you? Did you know The Hobbit was split into two movies? (He asked me that in March. I corrected him, swiftly. Seems like I wasn't the only one subscribing to Behind the Times). Jason and I were asked so many questions, it was like we rented out a room to the Riddler. In the past few months, I haven't had more people up my ass since the time the airport thought I was smuggling drugs.

. . . . too much? It's been three months. I am trying to find my writing groove.

3.) It is also hard to write when you have a conjunctival papilloma growing on your inside eyelid. It had been there for a good four months, and I didn't notice it until it popped out from growing underneath my eyeball. Don't worry. I had it removed. That was a fun story all in itself.

4.) Don't eat the new cake pop at Starbucks. That thing is sin on a stick.

But you know what pastry is Crazy Delicious?

5,) Don't wear a kilt around your drunk friends. I didn't realize how many people were fascinated by my balls.

6.) Don't get involved in the XBOX One vs PS4 debates. Who knew gamers took their console loyalty as serious as their political party or religion. I had some people unfriend me on Facebook after talking smack on their system. It wasn't like I called their actual child ugly, just the new system. Sheesh.

7.) Never, under any circumstances, eat those gummy coke bottles from Sweet Factory. I was sucked in by the cuteness of one Emilia Jane North and I was horrible distraught over this.

I have tasted bad candy (Milky Way's). I have tasted bad idea candy (Chocolate covered gummy bears). I have tasted food that should never have been put in my mouth in the first place (Wayne's cooking). And I have tasted things that have haunted me right down to my living soul (Burger King). But let me tell you, those gummy pieces of evil are not delectable. NO GOOD can come from those monstrosities. I award them no points. And may God have mercy on their soul. And just in case you are thinking that I am being a drama queen, Lesley didn't believe me on how bad they were because her daughter just LOOOOOOVES them, so she tried one, made this face, and spit it out in the garbage can:

8.) Never take my Grandmother to the doctors. It's like a nightmare. It's like a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague. Example: the doctor asks her if she is a smoker. Her response, "I quit a little while ago." My grandmother quit when I was born. In what warped reality is 32 years a "little while?"

It just goes down hill after that.

9.) Iron Man 3 sucked. Yeah I said it. This is what happens when you follow a Joss Whedon film. You are found wanting.

10.) No matter how mad you are, adorable children can always melt your icy exterior. For example, how can you be angry around this little puddin':

11.) Don't treat your friends like your own personal dress up doll. They tend to not appreciate it.

12.) When writers block hits, always ask your readers for help. So here I am, asking all of you, any good ideas for me?

I am sorry I left for so long. And this time I promise to be more diligent about writing in here, even though next week is shark week for me. But don't worry, I stocked up on Snicker Eggs, so I should be fine. As long as all the men I know can keep their dumb comments to themselves.

. . . . I may have to rethink my strategy.