Back From Leave

Yes. I am back. I took a three month sabbatical to let my mind rest and find my sense of humor once again. I definitely missed writing, and amusing my loyal followers. I was actually quite shocked at how many people personally messaged me regarding my absence from my blog. For all of you who kept pushing me to keep writing, I would like say, "Thank you . . . now get off my case. Smooches."

While the last three months might have seemed like a vacation from writing, I actually learned a lot of things, not only about myself, but life in general. So as my first trip back to the cyber world, I would like to share these fun facts with you. Maybe you get something out of these. Maybe these are things you already know. And maybe these are things you can tease me about . . . if you haven't already.

TOPHER'S SABBATICAL REVELATIONS:

1.) Don't write angry. Ever since January, I have been in a mood. During this time, I have been called: pissy, moody, irritable, grouchy, bitchy, sassy, cranky, feisty, down right mean, a butt-face, and a "C U Next Tuesday." I am not gonna sugar coat it. I was very moody. I was classifying it as some type of male PMS, since it seemed to happen about once a month and chocolate or ice cream seemed to be the only thing that would sooth the savage beast. That's right. I was living my own personal shark week. And it was not pretty.

I learned two things from my man-strual cycle. Men DO say the dumbest things when you're PMSing and it is never a good idea to write a blog when you're moody. While the first one should have been common sense, I was a little slow on the uptake. I know, ladies, you were right this whole time. I should have listened. I did, however, cancel my subscription to Behind the Times, so this shouldn't happen again. As for the latter, this was more of a subtle discovery. I tried several times to write a blog, and found that my normal whimsical sarcastic wit, was coming off very biting and harsh. And while all my readers do know me as a self proclaimed asshole, it is not the reason they came to read my blog on their lunch break. Hearing about my crazy shenanigans or "philosophical" theories are entertaining. Writing a twelve paragraph rant about the new head of our district being a ________ with a ___________ complex who can take a flying __________ off a ___________ and can suck my _____________ because he is a _________ excuse for a human being, is not really what you came here to read . . . is it? (Sorry about all the ____'s. I have been playing a lot of Mad Libs lately and they're starting to take over my life. Blame Mary-Elizabeth. She gave them to me for Christmas)

2.) Never let Wayne Colby, Jr. live with you. Long story short, Jason's little brother moved into our house back in January. We barely got him out of our house last month. I love my brother in law, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I just want to:

Woo-sah.

Where was I? Oh yes. Trying to be creative and funny in a house with Closed Captioning (What I call Wayne), his new girlfriend, and her three children is like trying to sleep during a hurricane. No matter how hard you try, it just seems to not be working for you. Maybe impotence is a better example. But I digress. 

Everywhere I turned it was question after question. What are you doing? What game is that? What are you watching? Is that book good? How long are you going to be in the bathroom? Are you guys having sex? How do you cook chicken? Does this look infected to you? Did you know The Hobbit was split into two movies? (He asked me that in March. I corrected him, swiftly. Seems like I wasn't the only one subscribing to Behind the Times). Jason and I were asked so many questions, it was like we rented out a room to the Riddler. In the past few months, I haven't had more people up my ass since the time the airport thought I was smuggling drugs.

. . . . too much? It's been three months. I am trying to find my writing groove.

3.) It is also hard to write when you have a conjunctival papilloma growing on your inside eyelid. It had been there for a good four months, and I didn't notice it until it popped out from growing underneath my eyeball. Don't worry. I had it removed. That was a fun story all in itself.

4.) Don't eat the new cake pop at Starbucks. That thing is sin on a stick.

But you know what pastry is Crazy Delicious?

5,) Don't wear a kilt around your drunk friends. I didn't realize how many people were fascinated by my balls.

6.) Don't get involved in the XBOX One vs PS4 debates. Who knew gamers took their console loyalty as serious as their political party or religion. I had some people unfriend me on Facebook after talking smack on their system. It wasn't like I called their actual child ugly, just the new system. Sheesh.

7.) Never, under any circumstances, eat those gummy coke bottles from Sweet Factory. I was sucked in by the cuteness of one Emilia Jane North and I was horrible distraught over this.

I have tasted bad candy (Milky Way's). I have tasted bad idea candy (Chocolate covered gummy bears). I have tasted food that should never have been put in my mouth in the first place (Wayne's cooking). And I have tasted things that have haunted me right down to my living soul (Burger King). But let me tell you, those gummy pieces of evil are not delectable. NO GOOD can come from those monstrosities. I award them no points. And may God have mercy on their soul. And just in case you are thinking that I am being a drama queen, Lesley didn't believe me on how bad they were because her daughter just LOOOOOOVES them, so she tried one, made this face, and spit it out in the garbage can:

8.) Never take my Grandmother to the doctors. It's like a nightmare. It's like a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague. Example: the doctor asks her if she is a smoker. Her response, "I quit a little while ago." My grandmother quit when I was born. In what warped reality is 32 years a "little while?"

It just goes down hill after that.

9.) Iron Man 3 sucked. Yeah I said it. This is what happens when you follow a Joss Whedon film. You are found wanting.

10.) No matter how mad you are, adorable children can always melt your icy exterior. For example, how can you be angry around this little puddin':

11.) Don't treat your friends like your own personal dress up doll. They tend to not appreciate it.

12.) When writers block hits, always ask your readers for help. So here I am, asking all of you, any good ideas for me?

I am sorry I left for so long. And this time I promise to be more diligent about writing in here, even though next week is shark week for me. But don't worry, I stocked up on Snicker Eggs, so I should be fine. As long as all the men I know can keep their dumb comments to themselves.

. . . . I may have to rethink my strategy.