It's that time of year again.
Christmas season is about to begin.
To the normal human being, this usually means three things: the weather gets colder, the music gets jollier, and the people get nicer. I, however, am not normal. Christmas season for me "tis" not the season to be merry, or the most wonderful time of year. While the cold weather matches nicely with my cold heart, the other two signs of the Christmas season do not sit well with me. In fact, Christmas music alone has conditioned my brain to send me into bitch mode just to withstand the crazy ass customers that I have helped every Christmas since 1999.
I know what you're thinking: What kind of person hates Christmas? What are you Topher? Ebeneezer Scrooge?
Personally, I like to think of myself more as The Grinch. I can better relate to a green animal/monster thingy who smells bad and lives on a mountain with his dog; rather then a rich old man who got dumped by some whiny chick and has hated Christmas ever since. (Though, it would be cool to have a friend named Fezziwig. Just sayin'.)
And while three ghosts would never visit me to "change my ways," there are somethings on this planet that can make my heart grow three sizes in one day. And what are these magical items? Seasonal food.
That's right. I have moments of the year that make me happy because some edible delight is about to come back out of hibernation and I forget that I am a Grinch and act more like Cindy-Lou Who, who was no more than two . . . but less gay . . . sometimes.
I know it says a lot about me that food can make me happy. I like to think of myself as a simple man. I don't need expensive gifts, just a sandwich or perhaps a good beer. I don't need to be taken on a vacation, just to all-you-can-eat sushi. It doesn't even have to be an expensive dinner. Sometimes a Western Bacon Cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. will make me right as rain. So if you ever have to tell me bad news, please present me with one of the following items to soften the blow...
TOPHER HUCKABY'S SEASONS OF LOVE . . . FOOD:
10.) Corned Beef and Cabbage.
Yes, I know. I can technically have Corned Beef and Cabbage anytime of the year. But sometimes I feel like I am cheating on St. Patty's Day (like the day is more of a person then the actual St. Patrick himself). Did I mention I am not normal? There is something about that holy combination of food that sings to me like an angelic symphony. The more people who tell me they hate Corned Beef and Cabbage actually make me happy. By mathematical logic alone, the less other people eat equals more for me. I don't see a problem with this.
9.) Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.
I discovered these hidden treasures about two years ago. Normally I am the Brown Sugar and Cinnamon type of Pop-Tart guy. But upon discovery of a new flavor of Pop-Tart, I did what any self respecting connoisseur of good pastries would do, I indulged. And then I over indulged. I believe I bought about five boxes before they left me like a scorned mistress. Little by little throughout the year, I found myself being drawn in by their Siren's Song of deliciousness. If it wasn't for these little buddies, I may not have made it through the Hostess Apocalypse of 2013. What does a man do when his Chocodiles have left him? Grab a Pumpkin Pie Pop Tart. While they may leave you in the chaos of Black Friday, they always return to you in October.
8.) Del Taco's Baja Shrimp Burrito.
Last year I gave up fried food for Lent. That lasted 30 minutes. Call it lack of self control. Call me a slave to my desires. But nothing you can say will ever take away my love for those damn burritos. I couldn't give up fried foods and go a whole year without savoring the rich zesty goodness that is the Baja Shrimp Burrito. To me, that's crazier then letting a food dominate my behavior.
7.) The Count Chocula Cereal Series.
I am a believer that everyone loves at least one of these cereals. Count Chocula, Frakenberry and Booberry are three of the most crazy delicious cereals I have ever had. Sure they may turn your milk a weird color in under three minutes. Of course they are loaded with sugar and a ton of other things that are horrible for you. And yes, to be addicted to a cereal without a prize inside the box is breaking the Child Code. But every Halloween I am running to the cereal isle so I can grab as many of those boxes I can fit in my giant Sasquatch hands.
6.) Olive Garden's Pumpkin Cheesecake.
This sinfully delicious dessert got me through some hard times in the six years I worked at the OG. I remember training a class of servers and had to stop mid lesson just so I could be the first person in the restaurant to partake of that wonderful goodness. A few years ago my grandmother called me at work to inform me that my uncle had passed away, and the only comfort I had was a Pumpkin Cheesecake. Now I am not saying that one bite into that cheesecake and I forgot why I was sad. I'm not a monster. But I will admit that it did help to calm me down. Before you judge me, try the Pumpkin Cheesecake, it is THAT good.
5.) The Mc Rib.
There are two types of people in the world. Those who love the McRib, and those who don't. If you are one of the latter, I am here to tell you that I understand why you don't like it. It's basically meat, pickles, onions, BBQ sauce and bread. It can be called over-priced for what all comes on the sandwich itself. And I wonder sometimes if it is actually rib meat and, if so, from what animal(s). But before my McRib brethren call me a blasphemer, I have a rebuttal...ehem...Clearly...there is some mystical reason that makes the McRib so amazing. I have been eating that thing every year since I was five, and I still, to this day, can't figure out what is it that draws me into McDonald's every October. Sure their BBQ sauce is pretty great for fast food. Yes their pickles have some type of drug in them that make you want to increase the amount on your burger every time you are there. And yes, the onions at McDonalds should be called Flavor Crystals, because that is what they basically are. On paper, the McRib makes no sense. That combo of items together just doesn't sound appetizing, no matter how well you write it. And yet, its just so damn delicious. I think we will discover Jimmy Hoffa's body before we discover why people love the McRib.
4.) Red Lobsters Endless Shrimp.
Screw Endless Pasta Bowl. Work one whole season of Endless Pasta, and you will see everything that is wrong with America. With that being said, at the risk of sounding hypocritical, I looooooooooooove Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster. Cheddar Bay biscuits + all you can eat shrimp = crazy delicious. I stopped eating the all you can eat shrimp at Sizzler because it just felt wrong after enjoying the many selections that Red Lobster has to offer. I am starting to realize why I am over-weight.
3.) Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies.
You show me someone who doesn't love at least one type of Girl Scout cookie, and I will show you a liar. I will not debate with you for a second that their could be someone on the planet who doesn't get a little happy when March rolls around and those cookies start pouring in. Those Caramel Delights are awesome, the Peanut Butter Sandwiches are great. But those Thin Mint cookies are scrum-dittely-umscious. There was a time back in college when I had twelve boxes of them frozen in my freezer. They were my "had a bad day" food. You knew it was bad if you came over and I was curled up on the couch with a glass of milk and a sleeve of Thin Mint cookies. Now a days, I only keep about three stored in my freezer. Maybe its cause I grew as a person. Maybe its because I haven't been single in over nine years. Or maybe its because of the next two items.
2.) Cranberry Bliss Bars.
My tag line for these little treasures has been the same for the last seven years: "If Heaven were a pastry, it would be the Cranberry Bliss Bar." It has the word "bliss" in the name for God's sake! Every year I have a standing order with Starbucks to give me two trays of those little triangles of joy. And by the end of the season, I have probably purchased about twelve trays. No I don't eat that many in two months. I share them . . . sometimes. And what I don't eat is stored in my freezer.
I would like to take this moment to thank William Cullen, the man who invented the freezer. You sir have saved my sanity more then you will ever know. I tip my hat to you, good sir. Kudos. No notes for you.
1.) Snickers Egg
I always get the same question. Aren't they just Snickers in egg shape? I never really answer people when they ask me this. I usually just walk over to my freezer, assemble the Snicker Eggs, and allow them to experience the amazing splendor themselves. Since I can't do this over the internet, I am going to do my best to explain the magical dynamic that plays out in a Snickers Egg. Yes, in theory, it is just Snickers bar shaped like an eggs. However, much like communism, this only works in theory. The reality is that the chocolate, caramel, peanut and nougat ratio is different in a Snickers Egg due to its size and shape. Back in the day, when the Snicker conglomerate wasn't greedy, they sold them as whole eggs. These days, they only come in egg halves. But that never stopped me. Much like Tic Tacs, I can only eat Snickers Egg in pairs of two. I take two halves and place them back to back, so I create a whole egg. And that, my good friends, is where the magic happens.
Over the years I have made a lot of people experience the wonder that is the whole Snickers Egg. And after every sample, I offer one warning: "After this sample, do not eat any of my snicker eggs, or I will END YOU!" I know I am a person who likes to play jokes, and rarely do people take me seriously. That is of course except for the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for taking one of my Snickers Eggs without asking is, I collect your f*cking head (I may have seen Kill Bill one too many times). My friends joke and laugh about someone eating my Snickers Eggs, but only two people on this planet have ever eaten my Snicker Eggs without asking. One is my husband Jason and the other is his mother. And if they ever go missing one year, assume that their yearly donation of three dozen Snicker Eggs were not sacrificed to my alter (my freezer).
Yes, I am aware I have problems. Yes, I know food shouldn't rule me the way that it does. But I know that every person has that one guilty pleasure that deep down inside they go crazy over. I'm just the fat ass that admits it.
