Operation: Christmas Surprise

If you've read this blog before, you're aware that I'm not a fan of Christmas. People look at me weird every time I tell them this. It's very similar to the face I get when I tell people that I still own a VCR. Another thing that I'm not a fan of is surprises, mostly because it's usually a lot of work, and the person is so rarely surprised.

I personally, am a very hard person to surprise. This year, when my friend Lesley made me a "My Adventure Book" from Up for my birthday (Operation: Wet Mess), she told less than 5 people,  in fear that I would pick up some type of clue as to what her gift could possibly be.

So with that...welcome to my personal hell. Operation: Christmas Surprise, where I attempt to surprise my partner of 9 1/2 years. Trying to actually surprise Jason for Christmas is much like Snakes on a Plane, Sharknado, Kanye and Kim, or any other unholy collaboration that comes together under one banner of terror.

I hate trying to surprise Jason. And by hate, I mean loathe to my last agonizing breath.
If you don't believe me, just try surprising Jason sometime. Go on. I dare you. I double dog dare you. And trust me, you will be more frustrated then poor Flick trying dislodge his tongue from that frozen pole.

In order to surprise Jason, you have to become the M. Night Shama-llama-ding-dong of Christmas gift givers. And I'm not talking about M. Night from The Village where everybody saw that ending coming. I'm talking Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis's wife dropping that ring and you feel your soul do a back flip because you have just been bamboozled. You have to come with your A game, and have at least three back up plans if you want to surprise Jay.

If you asked Jay, he would like to say it's because he is so intelligent and observant that he can figure out any type of masterminded attempt to trick or outwit him. But no. It's hard to trick Jason because he is the biggest pain in the ass that you have ever met. And before you go trying to defend him, allow me to share with you a story:

This year for Jason's birthday, he wanted the game Munchkin Zombies. His brother Wayne approached me, and asked if I wanted to go halves on the entire Zombie set. Thinking I was in the clear of any type of paper trail for Jason to "magically" follow, I agreed. Two weeks later, Jay and I went to visit some friends in Temecula. On the way, Jason asked if I would stop at a gaming store so he could "check on some things."
Jason is not very good at following the golden rule of presents. I violated this rule back in the late 90's and Lesley has been reminding me of it ever since (thank you Zebrahead album). For those of you who are unfamiliar with the golden rule of presents, allow me to enlighten you: You are not allowed to buy yourself anything a month before your birthday and Christmas, because there is a large chance that you will be ruining someones gift to you.

Knowing that Jason sucks at this, here is how the conversation went:

Topher: "Ok. But remember that your birthday is coming up and people may have got you something from there."

Jason: "Nobody I know would buy me anything from a gaming store."

Topher: (getting irritated that he is not sensing the tone) "That's not true. There's Brian, Troy, Greg . . . Me.

Jason: "No. Nobody knows I want this. They wouldn't have bought me anything like this."

Upon entering the store, where does he go? Right to the Munchkin section of course, and picks up Munchkin Zombies.

Trying to stay calm I tell him:

Topher: "Honey. I think you should wait until after your birthday to buy that just in case. Besides, we shouldn't spend money right now."

Jason: (sigh of frustration) "Fine."

Topher: "Why are you getting mad at me?"

Jason: "Well it's my birthday. And I want to spend my money the way I want to. But of course no, I can't do the things I want to. It's fine. Whatever. Lets just go."

Topher: "I am just trying to be helpful. I am sure someone really thoughtful got that for you."

Jason: "Oh yeah? Who would even think to get me this?"

Topher: (Finally blowing up) "I DID, MOTHER FUCKER!!!! ME!!!! I'M THE THOUGHTFUL ONE THAT GOT IT FOR YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU GAY SON OF A BITCH!!!!!"

(Every nerd in the store turns to look at the two fags in the Munchkin section)

Jason: (Pause) "That was very thoughtful of you honey." (Long pause) "So can I buy Munchkin Bites then?"

And that is just one of many fun stories I have about Jason being difficult to surprise. What you're about to read is the behind the scenes scoop for today's story, and what I went through to get Jason his Christmas gift.

June 13th, 2013 - I walked into work and found two giant signs: XBOX ONE and PS4, pre-order today! Jason and I had discussed that we would be buying an XBOX ONE for ourselves for Christmas. He agreed that he would wait until after his birthday to buy the PS4 since we could only afford one system this Christmas. I agreed, and then started phase one of my plan. The beauty of pre-orders at GameStop (for those of you who don't know) is that you can put down money little by little, and that way, you have your item paid in full by pick up.

I didn't tell Jason, but I had saved $100 so I could put a $50 deposit down on both systems. Low and behold, GameStop had screwed me over and raised the minimum deposit on the new systems to $100. Which sadly meant one thing: I only had enough money for one. Knowing Jason was planning for the XBOX One, and having read Gift of the Magi, the last thing I wanted to do was lie and put the money on the PS4. So I put my deposit down on what we had agreed, and started brainstorming of how I could get myself a PS4.

Enter my little Sri Lankan Angel, Jehan. Right before Comic Con, we were sharing a conversation about the new systems. Jehan had put a deposit down on a PS4, but was having second thoughts about paying that much money for one. Getting struck with brilliance, I told him if he changed his mind I would buy his pre-order off of him. Two weeks later, I got the confirmation that he was not going to be getting his PS4 and that I could have his pre-order. In exchange for his PS4, I paid off some of his other games, and then kept the PS4 under his name so Jason wouldn't pull up our account and see it there.

For the next few months, I never said a thing about buying him a present. It was like it didn't even happen. Behind his back, everyone of his gaming friends knew he was getting a PS4. And by gaming friends, I mean his friends we game with on our Xbox 360 or PS3, not his D&D friends. I purposefully didn't say anything to them because they constantly tell people how consoles are terrible and destroying the world. PC gamers. The hipsters of the VG World. 

Even my co-workers knew. I swore every member of my staff to secrecy. I informed them that if any of them so much as breathed a word about the PS4 in front of Jason, I would have their head. Apparently I am very convincing.

At home, I repeatedly talked trash on the PS4, just to throw Jason off the scent. At work, I started pulling longer shifts and working overtime, just to help pay off his PS4 without him noticing. Every now and again, he would ask me to pay for things, and I told him I was on a tight budget. This worked, because I had an XBOX One and several pre-ordered games to pay off as well. He even started making shitty comments too!

Like when I told him to be nice or I was going to give his Christmas present back. He replied with: "Oh no. I guess I won't be getting more T-shirts and underwear this year." After that comment, I had half the mind to wrap all the parts of his gift in T-shirts and underwear.

At the PS4 midnight launch, we got in 12 extra PS4s. You should have seen the look on Jason's face. He was so butt-hurt that he couldn't afford to buy himself one, but he kept talking himself out of it. His mantra for the next few weeks was "I can wait until after my birthday." Little did he know that I picked up his system the next day (I had to wait until he wasn't with me) and it sat in his mother's closet for over a month because I didn't want to hide it at our house.

The following week I got a phone call from his mother, asking if I could get her a PS4 because that is what Jason told her he wanted for Christmas. Normally I would be pissed that he went behind my back and told his mother to get him something that we'd already planned to get. But it didn't matter. He clearly didn't know that I'd gotten it. Plus, the PS4 was sold out everywhere. What a great, and TRUE excuse. The chances of someone else ruining my gift suddenly became nonexistent.

Occasionally, I would throw out phrases like: "I'm sorry I couldn't afford to get you a PS4 for Christmas" or "Hey, we're at Target. Ask them if they have PS4s. I am willing to go in for half of it with you."

Six months, eleven days, and two hours of: planning, lying, plotting, omitting, and misdirecting finally paid off.
I decided to let Jason open his PS4 on Christmas Eve. Originally I wanted to just have it set up in the bedroom and wait to see how long it took for him to realize it was there. Lesley suggested that I have him open it on Christmas Eve. "He won't be expecting his big gift the day before Christmas and then he gets to wake up and enjoy all of Christmas day, knowing he got exactly what he wanted."

You know, I have to admit, Lesley really is a super genius

(Picture of Jason opening his PS4, Elite Pulse Headset, Killzone 4, Knack, Need For Speed: Rivals and extra Controller on Christmas Eve)

***Note*** I made him read this blog immediately after opening his gift, just so he would know the hell I went through to get here.

Lies My Parents Told Me

Every time I sneeze, I fight the urge to close my eyes. Odd right? When I was younger, I was told that if you sneeze with your eyes open, they'll fall out. While I assume most children would be horrified by this idea, I was rather fascinated by it. Over the course of my life I have tried to to prove this theory false. Even at 32, I am still trying to stop my eyes from involuntarily shutting during a sneeze. Could you imagine the looks people would give you if you sneezed your eyeball out of its socket?

I blame my parents for this behavior. Much like all parents, my mother and father told me the dumbest things when I was a child. Part of me wonders if it was a tool they used to deal with such an ostentatious child. In reality, my parents are assholes just like me, always seeing what outlandish idea they can make people believe. So for all you gulla-bulls out there that I have tricked before, you can blame Doug and Virgina Huckaby. And if you are want to give them a piece of your mind, their email address is ADHuckaby@gmail.com. I'm sure they would love to hear about the terror they created.

Not every lie my parents told me were believable. How could Santa always be watching? There was no documented evidence that supported this. Too much television was apparently not bad for my eyes. They just got tired of watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. (On a side note: Anybody ever notice how incredibly homoerotic that show is? Seriously. He "held aloft" his "magic sword"? Who says stuff like that? And I know it's not just me. I even had this conversation with my friend Kathy. I challenge you to turn on your Netflix, find He-Man, and watch one episode. You can even choose which one. Let me know how that turns out for you)

Being the inquisitive child that I was, I started conducting my own experiments to see if there was any truth to these loads of BS my parents would tell me. For example:

1.) Refrigerator Man- I use to keep the refrigerator door open all the time. My mother told me once that there was a little man that lived in our refrigerator that gets mad when we leave the door open. To which I responded, "Wouldn't he get mad at us for locking him in there?" I did go looking for said man, once. I don't know if it was more out of curiosity or fear that he would eat my Snicker Eggs. After three long hours, and one broken refrigerator, it turns out that there was no little man in the refridgerator afterall.

2.) The Pee Shower- I must admit, no child wants to be urinated on. I don't know if that is true for all adults, but that is an entirely other subject that I wish not to get into at this time. For myself, the idea of being covered in urine does not sound appealing. However, there was one time in my life I was willing to sacrifice my comfort in the name of science. I was 8 years old, and my mother told me that if I pee in the shower, it will come right back out of the shower head. After long hours of telling myself she was wrong, I tested it. Turns out she was wrong. Which I have to say, it was a good thing, because had she been right, I would have had a mouthful of pee. No good can come from that.

3.) It's Chicken- I asked a lot of questions as a child. Particularly about food cooked by my Cajun relatives. Whenever I was about to eat something and knew nothing about it, I would ask my father what it was. His go to answer, "It's Chicken." While I admit to believing him the first few times, I did catch on pretty quick. Chicken never changed color, texture, or flavor. It was only until later in life that I learned exactly what I had consumed. I am here to tell you that: Raccoon, Squirrel, Coyote, Alligator and Snake do not taste like Chicken.

4.) It will stay that way- Your parents ever tell you if you make a face or cross your eyes for too long it will stay that way? Mine did. I think they just wanted me to stop making faces at people in public. It didn't really help. I tried to get my eyes to stay crossed for the longest time. I thought it would be hilarious.

I will admit, there were some lies that I should have known where not true. Like what kind of logic is there to the crust of the bread has all the vitamins?  And yes I was a little naive to think I was going to grow a watermelon inside me because I ate the seeds. The Tooth Fairy has to be my favorite lie I should have seen through. When you get $5 from the Tooth Fairy, and your friend gets 50 cents, that should be your first sign. Or when your parents tell you the Tooth Fairy was quote "too tired and left your money on the kitchen table," that's just a poor work ethic, and she would loose her job.

I do have to hand it to my parents. They did feed me a lot of bullshit over the years. And some of it I believed all the way up to my 30's. That's right. Even I can be fooled every now and again.

For my final thought, I would like to direct this to my friends with children. Be careful about the things you tell your children. Hopefully you have a child that is forgiving or even a child that will pass on these lies to their children like some type of honored tradition. But pray you don't have any children like me, for I am plotting my moment for when the tables will turn and I get to show my parents just what type of trickster they have raised.

The Brightest Crayon in the Box

My previous blog (Lies My Parents Told Me) created a lot of good conversations between me and my friends. Apparently, everyone was very intrigued to know what were some of the lies that took me until my 30's to figure out. Because I have no shame, and I am pretty sure everyone reading this believed at least a few of these, I decided to share my list with you.

10 LIES I THOUGHT WERE TRUE:
1.) Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis:

Cracking your knuckles (or any of your joints) can have therapeutic benefits. When you crack one of your joints you are pulling the bones that are connected at the joint apart from each other. This process stimulates your tendons, relaxes your muscles, and loosens your joints. Chiropractors do this for spinal joints when your back is sore and stiff, but you can do this on your own for your knuckles, toes, knees, neck, etc." I crack my knuckles ALL THE TIME. Call it a nervous habit, call it keeping my hands occupied, whatever. All I can say is it relaxes me and I like it.

Last year, I was talking to my doctor about a problem I was having with my thumb. I asked her if I was getting early on set of arthritis due to cracking my knuckles. She laughed at me and pointed me to a scientific study about knuckle cracking.

Unfortunately, there can be too much of a good thing. Cracking your knuckles will never lead to arthritis (despite what your mom keeps telling you), but scientists have discovered that it can cause tissue damage in the affected joints. Knuckle-cracking pulls your finger bones apart which stretches your ligaments. Too much stretching of your ligaments will cause damage to your fingers akin to the arm injuries sustained by a baseball pitcher who throws too many pitches. In addition to making your hand really sore, this ligament damage can also result in reduced grip strength.

Is this better or worse then arthritis? I am not sure. But what I do know is that I wasted 20 years of my life worrying I was going to have arthritis before 40. Thanks Mom.

2.) Swallowing gum will last for 7 years
This is probably one of the most highly believable myths a kid hears. If this was in fact true, I would have so much gum in my stomach, it would probably take to the year 2187 to remove from my body. While it is true that gum can't be digested, the idea that it will just stick to your stomach wall, essentially sitting in a vat of hydrochloric acid, is rather ridiculous. It simply passes through your digestive tract, alongside any other food, your allowance, action figure accessories, or any other objects which can't be digested. I will tell you, before anyone starts ingesting all the gum they can: There is a small risk of large quantities of gum sticking to each other, causing a blockage in the digestive tract that no amount of Long John Silvers would be able to dislodge. Food for Thought (see what I did there?)

3.) Wet hair/sick
Surveys have suggested that as many as 40% of parents tell their children that if you leave the house with wet hair, you will get sick. However, wetness really has nothing to do with it; far more important is being exposed to a cold virus. A link has been found to cold weather drying out your nasal lining, making you more susceptible to 1 of the 200 or so viruses known to cause colds. Coupled with a tendency to stay indoors, close to other people who may be carrying the virus, and you have a potent cold-inducing combination through the winter months, but wet hair really has nothing to do with it. I think my parents were just embarrassed to be seen with me looking like I got off the set of Oliver Twist.

4.) Swimming after you eat gives you cramps
I am sure everyone has heard this before. I actually did some research on this because I wanted to see where the idea came from. Apparently, eating diverts blood away from the muscles to the stomach, thereby increasing the chances of cramps and drowning. The motive for telling people this is clearly to save lives, but the logic is fundamentally flawed. Cramps are often caused by muscle fatigue, dehydration and other factors, such as lack of sodium. However, none of these factors have any correlation to eating just prior to exercise, and in some cases, it could even be argued that replenishing your energy whilst exercising could actually reduce the risk of cramping. Take that Jillian Michael s, you psycho hose-water bee-otch. (Did I mention I don't really care for her?)

5.) Coffee stunts your growth
This is possibly the oddest of our entries, primarily because I am one of the tallest people you probably know. How this myth even got started is something of a mystery. However, a possible explanation would be that parents try to deter kids from drinking something which makes them hyperactive.  Mine also use to tell me that when the Ice Cream Truck has a song playing, it means they are out of ice cream. I assume this was for the same reason. Whatever the explanation, the bottom line is this: coffee will not influence height. Numerous studies have been done into the effects of coffee on the body. Some suggest it reduces the risk of certain cancers. Others say it may reduce the risk of type-II diabetes or increase male fertility. Nowhere has it been shown that drinking coffee stunts your growth.

6.) Walt on Ice (coming soon to Madison Square Garden)
Walt Disney died on December 15, 1966, but a rumor has long persisted that his body was cryogenically frozen and is held in storage under Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean ride, ready for the day when science will come up with the cure for lung cancer. The origin of this urban legend, so far, is unknown.
In reality, Disney’s body was cremated soon after his death. Legal documents exist that indicate his ashes were interred two days after his cremation in a marked vault at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale, California. The first instance of cryonic preservation occurred a full year after his death.
This actually made me sad. I really wanted this to be true.

7.) Sewer Gators
Oddly enough, there is a grain of truth behind this legend. "The documented capture of an eight-foot alligator at the bottom of an East Harlem manhole in 1935 (though no one at the time assumed it actually lived down there). It was theorized at the time that the creature must have tumbled off a steamer visiting the northeast 'from the mysterious Everglades, or thereabouts,' and swam up the Harlem River. It met an unfortunate end at the hands of the teenage boys who found it."
I wish I would have known this back when I was 5. I wouldn't have been so scared to sit on a toilet. Thanks Dad.

8.) Daddy Long Leg Spiders
A widespread myth holds that daddy longlegs, are the most venomous spiders in the world. We're only safe from their bite, we are told, because their fangs are too small and weak to break through human skin.
It turns out that the notion is false on both counts. According to entomologists at the University of California, Riverside, the term "daddy longlegs" live in moist, dark places and eat mostly decomposing vegetable and animal matter. "They do not have venom glands, fangs or any other mechanism for chemically subduing their food," the UC entomologists write on their website. "Therefore, they do not have poison and, by the powers of logic, cannot be poisonous from venom. Some have defensive secretions that might be poisonous to small animals if ingested. So, for these daddy longlegs, the tale is clearly false."

I think the person I am most disappointed with over this issue is Jason. For somebody so deathly afraid of spiders, I thought you would have known about this.

9.) Waking a sleepwalker
-  Ever hear that you can kill a sleep walker from waking them? The chances of killing a sleepwalker due to the shock of sudden awakening, however, is about as likely as somebody expiring from a dream about dying. While it is true that waking a sleepwalker, especially forcefully, may distress them, it is an absolutely false statement that someone would die from shock, says Michael Salemi, general manager at the California Center for Sleep Disorders. "You can startle sleepwalkers, and they can be very disoriented when you wake them up and they can have violent, or confused reactions, but I have not heard of a documented case of someone dying from being woken up." Sleepwalking's hazard is more closely linked to what the sleepwalker may encounter when roaming about in a nocturnal reverie.
Imagine my embarrassment when I got this question wrong in the middle of my Psychopathology class. Kudos, Mom.

10.) 5 Second Rule
In households, restaurant kitchens, and almost anywhere people prepare or consume food, you'll occasionally hear someone call out "five-second rule." This refers to the concept that if food hits the floor and you snatch it up in less than five seconds, it's safe to eat."

Yes, someone really has conducted a scientific study of the five-second rule. It was the project of high school senior Jillian Clarke during a six-week internship in the food science and nutrition department at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Jillian swabbed the floors around the University in the lab, hall, dormitory, and cafeteria to see how many organisms could detected. The floors were so clean, from a microbiological point of view, because floors are dry, and most pathogens like salmonella, listeria, or E. coli can't survive without moisture.

To control the study, cookies and gummi bears were placed on both rough and smooth sterile tiles covered with measured amounts of E. coli, which did show a transfer of germs before five seconds. "All bets are off when it comes to carpet, damp floors, gum, or ice cream, as these were not included in the study."
Clarke also conducted a survey in which 70% of women and 56% of men said they were familiar with the rule. Women were more likely to invoke it. Not surprisingly, people are inclined to eat dropped cookies and candy more often than dropped broccoli and cauliflower.

For her work, Clarke was awarded an Ig Nobel prize in 2004 at Harvard University. Ig Nobel prizes recognize "research that first makes you laugh, then makes you think." Also honored at the ceremony was the inventor of karaoke music.

I honestly just found this article funny, and had to include it. Also, this was the board game Donna got for the family to play on Christmas. The slogan on the front of the box........priceless