I might like you better if we...weren't Facebook friends

Hey everyone. It's Lesley again. 

Sup?

A few months ago, I made the decision to quit Facebook.  People have asked me if I miss it, and the truth is, I don’t. My relationship has improved, I’m able to give my daughter my full attention, and, I like my friends more. 

Don’t pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about.  

We've all been there.  One day at lunch, your friend Barbara says that she’s trying to lose weight, but her next Facebook post is a picture of her at some novelty restaurant, face smeared with barbecue sauce, wearing a bib that says “I ate the Big Kahuna!” with the caption “New record! 52 ounce steak in 15 minutes!”  
Barbara…God D*mn it. I bet you’re going to cancel our walk tomorrow too. 

But this isn't about Barbara. 

It’s about the things that we all do that annoy the crap out of each other on Facebook. And I’m calling you out. Because I’m not on there, so you can’t un-friend me.

Let’s just dive right in, shall we? Let’s see how many of you see your friends, loved ones or, gasp, even yourself, in these Facebook types:

 Search Engine Impaired Guy –  “What do Disneyland annual passes cost?” “What’s the name of that new movie with Jennifer Aniston?” Seriously?  I know you have a data plan on your phone. You’re using it to post on Facebook.  If you’re lonely and need attention, just post a picture of your junk. At least that’s entertaining and it doesn't require any of your friends to do research on your behalf.  Lazy bastard.

The Weatherman – Now, I love that Facebook helps to keep me connected to my family and friends in other states. I enjoy seeing my aunt in Nebraska post a gorgeous photo titled: “First Snow.”

But you know what I DON’T need?  “It’s hot.” “Man, it’s hot.” This bugs me specifically when the weather being reported is typical for this time of year…I mean, if you live in Palm Springs, and it’s August and SNOWING, by all means, post that! I wanna know that the apocalypse is starting.

Generally though, that’s not the case. Instead it’ll be one of my friends from San Bernardino, saying “Man, it’s almost 100!” And nobody “likes” it except their mom (clearly a sympathy “like”)…and nobody comments…because there’s nothing to say except “Yep. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, for the past 150 years, the average temp hovers around 98. In 1951, there was a low of 88, and a high of 103 in 1996.” Seriously dude. If you’re that compelled to report the weather, I hear there’s an internship at KCAL 9.

The Fisherman –  I think that this is everyone’s favorite to make fun of.  Their posts are always cryptic and give just enough information to make you worry, and generate a comment thread that goes on longer than the ship in the opening scene of Space Balls.

Common posts include:

“Emergency room visits are always fun.”

“Seriously don’t think I can handle this for one more minute.”

“I give and I give and this is how you treat me.”

Let me be clear…This is only acceptable if you’re The Riddler, and even then, it’s still annoying. 

What you’re doing is the in-person equivalent of a big sigh.  We all know that when someone gives us the big sigh it means:  “PLEASE ask me what’s wrong…I mean, I’ll say nothing, but if you keep trying, eventually I’ll tell you.” 

So, the fisherman posts his teaser status update and within moments, the floodgates open and all the posts come in:  “What’s wrong sweetie?” “This too, shall pass.” I feel like Dr. Phil and practically scream at these well-meaning souls:  “Stop enabling him!!!”

Honestly, my first reaction is never concern. I’m always overcome with the desire to post something untrue that would really embarrass them.

Fisherman: “I don’t think I can handle this. Prayers please.”

Me: “I told you! Relax and use more lube.”

Fisherman: “Should I really go through with this?”

Me: “We all agree that you’ll look much better as a woman than a man. I mean, it can’t get any worse, can it?”

The only reason I don’t do this is out of fear.  Fear that one day, one time, their status will actually be something horrible. 99% of the time it’s not. They’re probably just in a long line at Wal-Mart or waiting for the results of their smog check.  But what if, the ONE time I chime in, they just found out that they have cancer of the puppy and then I’m the a-hole for eternity.

The Obsessed Facebook Gamer – You know who you are. You don’t even have a profile photo, but you’ve sent me game requests 3 times today.  Ehem…I DON’T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOUR FARM!!

John Madden – You didn't sign up for a play-by-play, but you're getting one. He’ll go for weeks with not a single post and then, over a 3 hour period, will post 15 times, and send my phone into freak-out mode, simultaneously causing me great worry and draining my cell phone battery.

Post thread:

“Worst call ever.”

*moments later* “Sacked again!”

*moments later* “Interception in the redzone? Why?!?”

First of all, if we cared about the game, we’d be watching it. Your out of context posts mean nothing to me. Second, you’re ruining the game for people that may want to watch it when they get home. That’s just rude.  Spoiler alert!  On that note….

Spoiler Alert Guy – I have actually removed people from my newsfeed for being this type of a-hole.  Opening day of a new movie, this chump blasts out a major plot point.  “Omg! When Tom Hanks lost his volleyball in the ocean I was dying! WIIIILLLLSOOOON! GAH!!! #cryinglikeabitch”

Look, if you wanna post some feedback, that’s great!

DO:  Sex and The City Two was a serious waste of my time and money. Bleh! 

DON’T:  OMG Sex and The City Two was so bad! The part when Liza Minnelli performed at the wedding was great but all downhill from there. Plus the whole Aiden/Carrie cheating thing. Ugh. Break my heart!

No joke, I've had people that post of Facebook immediately following a new episode of The Walking Dead “Can’t believe that so and so died! Epic surprise!”  

Spoiler Alert:  You’re a douche.

I could go on….we all know “Workout” guy, “Incorrect grammar all the time” guy, “Never posts anything but memes” guy and “Pocket post” guy, where they can never seem to remember to lock their screen so half of their posts are “hoiho9870987.” 

Let’s all work on being considerate with our Facebook posts.

I really don’t think I can handle this anymore….

Emergency room visits are always fun.

I give and I give….and this is how you treat me.