2012 is Over

And so it is the last day of 2012. The world didn't end like the Mayans predicted, which is mostly a good thing. If the world had ended, I wouldn't be forced to hear about those freaking Kardashians anymore. But that's me, I put Armageddon on the same level of catastrophe as the Kardashians. Always looking at the bigger picture.

This year, much like any other, had its ups and downs. The difference about 2012 and all those other years is.... I have a blog now, and people actually read what I write. I know. I am as shocked as you are, Mom.

So for all of you who are sitting behind your desk, bored out of your mind, because you were forced to work today (and the two adventurous people reading this while they're on the toilet), I give you my 2012 year in review blog.  Hopefully this will make a little bit of your time go faster . . . especially for the Bathroom Duo.

TOPHER HUCKABY'S 2012:

TOP 10 MOVIES:
10.) Magic Mike - I know its a movie about male strippers. But its a GOOD movie about male strippers. Think Showgirls, but with less nudity, more men, better actors, and a plot. (Even as I was typing it, I knew I just lost my male readers at less nudity.)

9.) The Hunger Games - Although the books were better, this movie was everything I wanted it to be and more. Jennifer Lawrence, I want to be your friend. Did I mention I know how to use a bow?

8.) The Cabin in the Woods - Not your typical horror flick. My homeboy Joss Whedon brings the satire with his sarcastic wit in this retelling of a classic horror story. I loved this movie so much, I saw it 4 times in the theatre. Twice opening weekend.

7.) Wreck-it Ralph - How could I not love a movie about video games? Cute and funny, this movie stole my heart. Plus I have gotten hours of amusement going up to people and using Ralph's tag line of "I'm gonna wreck it!" Try it some time. The looks people give you are priceless. Especially if you don't know them.

6.) The Dark Knight Rises - Talk all the shit you want about Robin and a weak plot, but I loved this movie and it was a great ending to a fantastic series. Although, it was a little hard to understand Bane.

5.) The Hobbit - Yeah it was a little long, but it felt like no time had lapsed at all from The Return of the King.

4.) Lincoln - If this movie doesn't get an Oscar, there is no justice in the world.

3.) The Avengers - I told you John. Once they tapped Joss Whedon for the director, I knew this movie would be HUGE. And you were all "Poo poo, Joss isn't a big enough director, poo poo." I will be sending your humble pie to your new address. Tell me how it tastes.

2.) Les Miserables - One of my top 3 favorite musicals of all time finally brought to life on the silver screen. It was utterly amazing. Jason cried. SHOCKER.

1.) Skyfall - When I heard that Sam Mendes was directing this film, I said "It may not be the best Bond film, but it will be the most beautiful one." I stand corrected. I think it is the best Bond film as well.

WORST MOVIES:
5.) Battleship - Aliens attack Hawaii . . . base movie off of Hasbro board game. Lame. Romney probably saw this movie and went "This is why America needs more Battleships."

4.) The Raven - I wanted so much from this film . . . but alas . . . it was so lame. For all you Poe fans out there, please pass this movie by. You will be thankful you did.

3.) Step-up Revolution - I don't think I have to dignify this with a response.

2.) The Devil Inside - Woman is possessed by MANY demons. Demons jump bodies to the other characters in the movie. Demon possessed character swerves into on coming traffic, killing the people still alive. Movie ends with; "The facts surrounding the Rossi case remain unresolved. For more information visit www.TheRossiFiles.com" 2 hours for a freaking advertisement for a website. Double lame.

1.) Piranha 3DD - Even a one legged Ving Rhames couldn't save this movie.

TOP 10 SONGS:
10.) Rumour Has It/Someone Like You by The Glee Cast - Say what you want, but this is awesome

9.) Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye - Yeah I know its played out. But you know you loved this song at one point too. But I do admit, I like this version better.

8.) Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen - Speaking of played out.

7.) Too Close by Alex Clare - This song is amazing. They even had my favorite girl from the Voice perform this.

6.) We Are Young by fun. - If you don't know this song, you need to change your address from that rock you're living under.

5.) Castle of Glass by Linkin Park - I love a Linkin Park song? Shock me Shock me Shock me with that deviant behavior. 

4.) Let's Have a Kiki by Scissor Sisters - The first time you hear this song, you will look at me like I'm crazy. But I bet within a week, it will be trapped in your head. Watch the video and prove me wrong:

3.) Black Sheep by Gin Wigmore - The song that came out of nowhere. It's now on the Guinness Black Lager commercials. Its like they know me.

2.) Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine - I had to give a shout out to my girl.
1.) Some Nights by fun.- Love this song.

WORST SONGS:
5.) Gangnam Style by Psy - I don't know whats worse, the song or the video.

4.) Sorry for Party Rocking by LMFAO - I hated Sexy and I Know It, but this crappy song takes the cake.

3.) Don't Judge Me by Chris Brown -  I will never stop judging Chris Brown. Screw you song.

2.) We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift - When she released Mean, I thought I was going to have to take back all the horrible things I said about her being a terrible song writer. Then she put this song out there. Thanks for saving me the time of writing a retraction blog Taylor.

1.) Love Song by Selena Gomez - It's not that this song is bad. It's that it's SO bad, it makes me want to stick my finger through my eye, into my brain, and swirl it around.

TOP 10 THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR:
10.) Obama won. The fall out of this on Facebook was hilarious. Go back to all your friends that were being dramatic about the outcome of this election and ask them how they're doing now that its 2 months in.

9.) My Mom's Visit. First time in 6 years my mom has been to California. We had a blast.

8.) Cruise to Alaska. You read the blog. It was a pretty awesome trip.

7.) Drag Birthday. Everyone that participated, I say thank you. Next year won't have such a crazy theme. And remember, you had fun at this one.

6.) Comic Con. Can't wait for next year. It's going to be legend-wait for it

5.) Quit the OG. Although I miss my co-workers/friends (past and present), I do not miss flinging pasta. Best decision of the year.

4.) New Friends. To Lindsay and Greg, what would I do without you crazy kids.

 3.) Seeing the Book of Mormon. A musical with my Bestie. What an awesome experience

2.) My iPad. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I . . . sorry. I lost myself there for a moment.

1.) This blog. Thank you to all my readers for making my blog what it is. I would have stopped writing this months ago if it wasn't for all my readers cheering me on. Your support means more to me then my iPad . . . okay maybe not as much as my iPad . . . can we call it a tie?

The End of the World Survival Guide (Spoiler Alert)

The end is nigh . . . nee? . . . whatever, its here. As I was lying in bed I had a depressing thought: I still had many things I wanted to cross off my bucket list. I still have not been to Ireland or watched a Red Sox game from the Green Monster. I never got to ACTUALLY try mixing Pop-Rocks and Soda. I'll never find out who is the mom in How I Met Your Mother.

This got me thinking, so many other people are going to miss out on some big reveals because the world is going to end any minute. So never fear, gentle reader, I have compiled a list of all the things you need to know as the earth begins to boil and you ascend to whatever plane of existence you're moving on to.

TOPHER'S APOCALYPSE SPOILER LIST:

1.) Darth Vader is actually Luke's father. I know. I totally didn't see that coming...with the German word for Vader meaning father.

2.) Bruce Willis is actually dead in the Sixth Sense. That creepy boy was talking to a ghost the whole time. No wonder he never went on to do other projects. Casting directors probably saw a kid who talked to ghosts and got creeped out. This is also very likely why Zac Effron became popular.

3.) Lost. They weren't dead or in purgatory. It was ACTUALLY an island. But then they died later, and that's when the story lines converged. I know. I am still lost to this day. Such a clever title that show. It's like a double pun.

4.) Fight Club: Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are the same guy in fight club. I actually figured this out when I was talking to my friend halfway through the movie and asked her, "Wait, what's Edward Norton's character named?

5.) That wasn't a woman in The Crying Game, it was a man dressed as a woman. Dil...had a dill.  (If you know what movie I am referencing, I applaud you. And if the world doesn't end . . . consider us friends. (Bonus points if you know that the cross-dressing actor is from Riverside, CA)

6.) Friends: Rachel and Ross finally get together. I know. 10 seasons and it FINALLY happened. He's her lobster.

7.) The village in....The Village, exists in modern times...NOT colonial times. If you didn't figure this out when they sent the BLIND girl in to civilization for help, you, in fact, are blind.

8.) ET makes it back home. The guys with guns . . . wait, walkie talkies? Seriously? They changed that because they thought it was too violent? Lame.

9.) So Pulp Fiction, there's a briefcase . . . it has something in it . . . speculate what's inside here ___________________. Answer: Not even Tarantino himself knows.

10.) Inception . . . he's in limbo . . . or is he? Muh ha ha ha

11.) The Notebook: Girl loses memory, boy writes journal for her to remember, girl gets memory back, old couple decides to die together. The End. I know, I don't see the big deal about this story either.

12.) Lord of the Rings Trilogy: They could have hopped on a giant bird right from the beginning and dropped the ring of power in to the fires of whatever that mountain was (if you answered that just now, Nerd Trap), but no, three years and three movies later, he drops the ring in and all is well. I could explain the 8 endings of that movie . . . but what's the point? The ring was destroyed. The End.

13.) The Twilight Series: Girl falls in love with a sparkly vampire. The have some turmoil and end up together. The end.

14.) Fifty Shades of Grey Series: See Above. Replace "vampire" with "a guy into S & M" you got the same damn thing.

15.) True Blood. Eric and Sookie end up together. Alcide marries me. The end.

16.) Beaches: She dies.

17.) Terms of Endearment: She dies.

18.) Steel Magnolias: She dies. (I'm sensing a pattern)

19.) Miss Congeniality: She gets runner up. But then gets voted Miss Congeniality. Didn't see that coming.

20.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After saving the world a bajillion times, she meets a funny and charming Gemini named Topher, who divorces Alcide for her, and they live a long happy life and have beautiful children. Freddie Prinze Jr. was not happy.

If the world doesn't end, and I just ruined several movies and shows for you . . . in my defense, I did put Spoiler Alert in the title. Besides, I just saved you the time from watching them. ;-)

Sparkle and Fade

It's the time of year again. Everyone is plastering on a goofy smile and putting that extra pep in their step because Christmas is around the corner. But not for me, no sir. My humor is becoming a bit more snippy then usual. As sooner as October hits, I start to become very cynical and moody. I am told I need to be one of the shiny happy people around this time of year. I wouldn't say I turn into the Grinch (though my socks ARE too tight), maybe more like Statler and Waldorf with my sarcastic comments.

I know where this is going. You're thinking How could ANYONE not like Christmas? But sadly, it's true. I am not a fan. My reasoning is three fold:
1.) Although people tend to be happier around their friends during this season, they turn into spawns of Satan when they are out eating or shopping.
2.) I have a problem with repetition, and listening to the same damn songs and watching the same damn movies is highly irritating.
3.) Work gets busier, which eliminates my free time and also puts a damper on what free time I may have. This week I have worked 42 hours in 4 days . . . and for what? Big title releases and getting ready for the ultimate nightmare, Black Friday. Black...like my heart.

But however dark the cloud or bitter my mood, there is always a silver lining. For instance, I've been eating Cranberry Bliss Bars from Starbucks, or as I like to refer to them "If Heaven Was a Pastry Cakes." Plus, the heat has finally died down and made way for the cold. I feel more in my element with a big hooded sweatshirt and jeans. But the best gift of all is this: the last Twilight movie. Even typing it brought a smile to my face.

This is it folks. This is the day we have been waiting for the last five years. After this movie, there won't be another one. We can go back to living our lives in peace and not have to hear about that bitch Kristen Stewart and her big haired boyfriend. No longer will estrogen soaked woman try to debate with me on how amazing this anti-feminist load of bullshit is an amazing work of art.

On a side note, if you are one of the "estrogen soaked woman" who try to debate with me about Twilight, thank you for putting down your 20 cats long enough to read this blog, I am sorry for your loss. I know losing these movies is like losing a child to you. Hey, I was down right depressed when Buffy ended. So in honor of you, I put together a memorium of Twilight, honoring all the things it has brought us and will be left behind.

IN MEMORY OF TWILIGHT

The Cullen. 

That weird hairstyle that so many people have tried to copy. I do admit that it is better then the mullet, or the dreaded Pauly D.

The Shirtless Boys.

No more will we have to see . . . wait a minute. What nationality are those guys? Native American? Hispanic? Pacific Islander? And why do they all dress the same? Is this some type of wolf gang we don't know about? These are questions we will never have answered. (sigh)

Stupid Names

Renesmee? Seriously? Apple Paltrow just sent you flowers because you've finally replaced her as the girl with the stupidest name. 

Kristen Stewart

I have seen some bad acting in my day, but this girl . . . wow. Ever notice how she is always holding her head? I am really starting to get concerned that she has a tumor. Maybe that's what's causing her acting to suffer.

The Weird Cover Photos

I really don't know what to say about these. No really. Ever time I look at the cover of one of these books, my mind goes numb. Now I know how a "deer in the headlights" feels. Twilight covers are my headlights. (Gigitty)

Vampire and Werewolf Segregation

Maybe now the two will exist in perfect harmony . . . like Ebony and Ivory.

Ashley Greene and Anna Kendrick

I can honestly say that my world is a better place now because you are in it. Go forth from this series with your head held high, knowing that you are what made it great.  

Keelan Lutz

I don't get it.

The Love Triangle

Timeless Characters

 
And above all else . . . Sparkling Vampires

Come on, even I know that's pretty damn gay.