The end is nigh . . . nee? . . . whatever, its here. As I was lying in bed I had a depressing thought: I still had many things I wanted to cross off my bucket list. I still have not been to Ireland or watched a Red Sox game from the Green Monster. I never got to ACTUALLY try mixing Pop-Rocks and Soda. I'll never find out who is the mom in How I Met Your Mother.
This got me thinking, so many other people are going to miss out on some big reveals because the world is going to end any minute. So never fear, gentle reader, I have compiled a list of all the things you need to know as the earth begins to boil and you ascend to whatever plane of existence you're moving on to.
TOPHER'S APOCALYPSE SPOILER LIST:
1.) Darth Vader is actually Luke's father. I know. I totally didn't see that coming...with the German word for Vader meaning father.
2.) Bruce Willis is actually dead in the Sixth Sense. That creepy boy was talking to a ghost the whole time. No wonder he never went on to do other projects. Casting directors probably saw a kid who talked to ghosts and got creeped out. This is also very likely why Zac Effron became popular.
3.) Lost. They weren't dead or in purgatory. It was ACTUALLY an island. But then they died later, and that's when the story lines converged. I know. I am still lost to this day. Such a clever title that show. It's like a double pun.
4.) Fight Club: Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are the same guy in fight club. I actually figured this out when I was talking to my friend halfway through the movie and asked her, "Wait, what's Edward Norton's character named?
5.) That wasn't a woman in The Crying Game, it was a man dressed as a woman. Dil...had a dill. (If you know what movie I am referencing, I applaud you. And if the world doesn't end . . . consider us friends. (Bonus points if you know that the cross-dressing actor is from Riverside, CA)
6.) Friends: Rachel and Ross finally get together. I know. 10 seasons and it FINALLY happened. He's her lobster.
7.) The village in....The Village, exists in modern times...NOT colonial times. If you didn't figure this out when they sent the BLIND girl in to civilization for help, you, in fact, are blind.
8.) ET makes it back home. The guys with guns . . . wait, walkie talkies? Seriously? They changed that because they thought it was too violent? Lame.
9.) So Pulp Fiction, there's a briefcase . . . it has something in it . . . speculate what's inside here ___________________. Answer: Not even Tarantino himself knows.
10.) Inception . . . he's in limbo . . . or is he? Muh ha ha ha
11.) The Notebook: Girl loses memory, boy writes journal for her to remember, girl gets memory back, old couple decides to die together. The End. I know, I don't see the big deal about this story either.
12.) Lord of the Rings Trilogy: They could have hopped on a giant bird right from the beginning and dropped the ring of power in to the fires of whatever that mountain was (if you answered that just now, Nerd Trap), but no, three years and three movies later, he drops the ring in and all is well. I could explain the 8 endings of that movie . . . but what's the point? The ring was destroyed. The End.
13.) The Twilight Series: Girl falls in love with a sparkly vampire. The have some turmoil and end up together. The end.
14.) Fifty Shades of Grey Series: See Above. Replace "vampire" with "a guy into S & M" you got the same damn thing.
15.) True Blood. Eric and Sookie end up together. Alcide marries me. The end.
16.) Beaches: She dies.
17.) Terms of Endearment: She dies.
18.) Steel Magnolias: She dies. (I'm sensing a pattern)
19.) Miss Congeniality: She gets runner up. But then gets voted Miss Congeniality. Didn't see that coming.
20.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After saving the world a bajillion times, she meets a funny and charming Gemini named Topher, who divorces Alcide for her, and they live a long happy life and have beautiful children. Freddie Prinze Jr. was not happy.
If the world doesn't end, and I just ruined several movies and shows for you . . . in my defense, I did put Spoiler Alert in the title. Besides, I just saved you the time from watching them. ;-)
I fell in the nerd trap!
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