Jumping the Shark

I am sick of Twilight. How woman can love and praise this series escapes me completely. The anti-feminist subtext drives me insane, and the fact that women swear by this book hurts my heart. What do you do when your epic love (a guy you've been dating for less then a year) leaves you? Do things that put your life in danger, near the point of suicide, and then he will come back. Great lesson. This goes completely against theme of Lifetime movies that men are evil and will hurt you. And don't even get me started on the topic of men who sparkle in the daylight aren't in to women.

How did I become the male advocate of feminism? I think it started in high school. Growing up I had two female best friends. Remember Lesley? My Yoda to all things women. And Steph? The one that wasn't there to sing with me in my car? Whenever I had a question about the opposite sex, I turned to these two pillars of knowledge for enlightenment. My favorite topic . . . menstrual cycles.  Allow moment for all male readers to throw up a little . . . .ok . . . We good?

I know this is a weird topic to be fascinated by, but hear me out. Women seem only talk about their period with other women, and they give it cute names like "Aunt Flo," "On the Rag", "Time of the Month," and my old favorite, "The Crimson Wave" (Thank you Clueless). So why the secret? What were they hiding? Was this some secret code that men aren't suppose to talk about? Turns out, no. It's not a secret. Who really wants to share about their reproductive organs bleeding unless its with someone who goes through the same thing . . . every month.

Not wanting to be an unsympathetic friend, I asked questions about periods. And I am here to tell you, I have found the most fascinating things about a topic that is considered gross to most men. Here are my favorites:

1.) A woman will spend approximately 3,500 days menstruating in her life. Approximately 9.5 years.

2.) Walt Disney made a movie about menstruation titled “The Story of Menstruation” in 1946. It most likely is the first film to use the word “vagina.” Can you picture the Disney princess for this? Is her name Flo?

3.) It is possible to get pregnant if a woman has vaginal sex during her period because sperm can survive up to a week in the body. Think about that men. Your little swimmers can last that long? That's incredible. A miracle. Amazing. Gross.

4.) The average age a woman stops her period is 51, though symptoms of menopause (perimenopause) can start as early as 32. If your asshole tightened after reading that, know that you are not alone.

5.) Studies suggest that city lights or artificial lights influence the menstrual cycle. This should have been an experiment done by Bill Nye the Science Guy.

6.) In some parts of India, a woman indicates she is menstruating by wearing a handkerchief around her neck stained with her menstrual blood. What the hell is wrong with them?

7.) The term “period” in reference to menstruation dates from 1822 and means an “interval of time” or a “repeated cycle of events.”

8.) Menstruation may have led to humanity’s sense of time as most early lunar calendars were based on the length of a women’s menstrual cycle. So if the Mayans were wrong . . . you only have your period to blame.


9.) Periods tend to be heavier, more painful, and longer in the colder months. This may explain people being assholes around Christmas.

10.) Menstrual blood was thought to cure warts, birthmarks, gout, goiters, hemorrhoids, epilepsy, worms, leprosy, and headaches. It was also used in love charms, could ward off demons, and was occasionally used as an offering to a god. The first napkin worn by a virgin was thought to be a cure for the plague. I wonder if they have tried this for Cancer and AIDS yet.

11.) At one point in history, women who complained of menstrual cramps (dysmenorrhea) were sent to psychiatrists because menstrual cramps were seen as a rejection of one’s femininity.

12.) Scholars debate the existence of menstrual synchrony (a.k.a. the McClintock effect or dormitory effect), a theory that suggests that women who live in close proximity to each other develop synchronized periods.

 To show all my female friends that I care, I have found a new phrase to replace "Crimson Wave" when referring to be being on your period. This phrase was brought to me by my good friend Joie, and if you are a female reader of my blog, I encourage you to start using this phrase.

After having dinner one night, my friend Joie turned to me and asked,"Have you ever seen a sharks brain?" This was not odd dinner conversation with Joie. She is filled with random information that is all fascinating in its own right. But I must confess to being puzzled on where exactly this was heading.

"Um . . . no," I replied.

"Look it up on your phone," she told me. "It's pretty hilarious."

So I did. And I have to admit, it's pretty freaking hilarious. For those of you who have never done this, I enclose the same picture I saw here:

For those of you who don't see why this is funny . . . you're pretty. Maybe this will help:

If Jason can spot the resemblance from a sharks brain to a uterus . . . you know its pretty damn close. I had heard of assholes looking like calamari (thank you Lindsay), but this was a whole new level for me.

That's when Joie turned to me and said, "So I am thinking about calling my period Shark Week."

"That's clever. Cause of the resemblance to a shark's brain and the fact it last about a week," I chuckled. "And I guess PMS could be some what related to a shark attack.

"Well," she replied. "The smell of blood does put them in a frenzy."

I laughed so hard . . . I nearly peed.

I urge all of my female readers to coin this phrase. I encourage you to spread this to your other female friends (maybe even make it one of those things you share in the bathroom since you love to talk in there so much). I support the use of this phrase in everyday conversation. But more importantly, I ask you to stop reading Twilight. Be strong. Be invincible. Be . . . woman.