The Crying Scale

One of the things Jason always makes fun of me about is that I never cry. It's true. I, Topher Huckaby, am an emotionless robot. It is a very rare moment when I cry at a movie (eff you, Up). It's not that I don't have a soul...I just don't emit the same emotional response as say, a fourteen year old girl. And there's not anything wrong with crying at something you have just watched; it just doesn't happen to me.

I use to think that I was a freak for not crying at something that everybody else I knew, had. First my webbed toes, and now this. I use to hypothesize that my mom drank a lot while she was pregnant with me, but this theory was discontinued after I blurted it out on my seventh birthday and proceeded to walk the rest of the way home. A little advice: never blame your mother for your genetic misfortune while she is driving a car unless you have comfortable shoes on.

To date, I have only cried at two films in my life, but I have had several years observing the people around me and have noticed that there are, in fact, several levels of crying. I find it absolutely fascinating that the same film can produce different levels of crying in every person. It wasn't until recently that I came up with a scale in order to gauge your level of crying. Kinda of like quantifying how drunk you are, but on a global scale.

Level 1: The Tears of Joy
I have had a few moments where I have laughed so hard that tears have formed in my eyes. The Hangover is a great example of this. While the whole movie is pretty hysterical, the scene that always gets me is when Alan comes down the escalator like Rain Man. I can't help it. Gets me every time.

Another example is that moment where you are so happy that something happened, that one solitary tear rolls down your cheek. Like Rudy finally getting put in the game. When George Baily hugs his family and realizes he does in fact have A Wonderful Life. Or when Julia Roberts finally finds a place they'll let her shop in Pretty Woman. That one tear forms in the corner of your eye and slowly roles down your cheek, marking that moment of pure joy.

Level 2: The Secret Cry
The Secret Cry is a distant cousin of "The Church Chuckles," where you must muffle your inappropriate laughter. This is when you are actually crying, but you want to hide it from the people you are around. This rarely happens during movies. It is more commonly found while watching those cell phone commercials where people finally get to talk to their loved ones that they haven't heard from in a long time. You know you have hit Level 2 when you find yourself crying, then immediately try to hide the fact because no one else is crying around you. Jason had this moment during the Lion King.

Now I know what your thinking. It's probably something to the effect of: "What? The Lion King is a sad movie. Are you making fun of people who cried at the Lion King? YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!!" Before you start throwing holy water on me to see if I start to sizzle, hear me out. Yes, the Lion King is sad. When Simba walks out of the dust cloud and starts calling out for his father and then you see the dads lifeless body. Yes, that is a tear-up moment. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the beginning of the damn movie. That's right. At Simba's birth, Jason had tears rolling down his cheek. Some chick is singing about how the circle of life moves us all, and Jason is whipping the tears out of his eye quicker then a Kardashian marriage. Did you cry at that? Didn't think so.

Level 3: The Gut Wrenching Cry
Often referred to as the Soul Crushing cry. This is where you are watching something and you feel your soul leave your body and you become hollow. Where your hands clench the armrest, your eyes open as far as they can, and you hold your breath, because you know what is happening next. Shelby won't be sniffing those Steel Magnolias. Rose had to let go of your frozen body Jack. Or Carl opening up that FREAKING adventure book Ellie made and realizes their marriage was the adventure she had always been dreaming of (like I said, eff you Up).

Your soul eventually does re-enter your body, but it almost feels like a piece of it didn't return, and a part of you resents that movie for taking it from you. And when people bring that movie up in conversation, it feels like someone just walked over your grave. (Side bar: If you'd like to test this theory, sing "I Dreamed a Dream" in front of Jason one day. Two words: Soul Crushed)

This is where most people tap out. They never go higher then this, because they understand that what they are watching is only a film, and is not actually happening to them. But then there are those, we'll call them "Shmason," who take it one level higher.

Level 4: The Epic Cry
I use to refer to this as the "Snot Cry" because it's when you cry so hard that snot comes running out your nose. It's that crying that often produces some type of sound like a sniffle or whimper. Maybe even an "Oh God." And then it happens. The tears come out so much that you turn into one of those anime cartoons with the river of tears.

When Andy hands over Woody and realizes its time to "put away childish things."

Ewan McGregor holding Kicole Kidmans lifeless body in his arms at the Moulin Rouge after she told him that she always loved him.

Arnie Grape realizing his mother died . . . and on his birthday no less. 

 When Owen Wilson stays by Marley's side as the dog is put to sleep

When Daniel Laruso wins the match and you see Mr. Miyagi's shiny forhead and he does that proud nod. "We did it Mr. Miagi!" "You're alright Laruso!"

Nothing can stop the Epic Cry. At Level 4, you are left as what I lovingly refer to as a "wet mess." But you know what friend? Don't worry about it. I will be right there beside at Level 1...because I am laughing at you so hard. My soul, colder than those frozen bobbing people at the end of  Titanic.

So the next time you are watching a movie and you start to cry, post what level cry you had on my blog. Maybe it will be the one film that makes me cry like this:

You Say "Axed Him," and I Say "Asked Him."

I'm going on the record...are you ready for this? My name is Topher Huckaby, and I can't spell. There, I said it. My biggest weakness, presented for the world to see. Judge me if you will; I can take it. Everyone has a fatal flaw, and mine is the inability to put letters together to form actual words. Why do I have a blog you ask? Thankfully my readers ignore all my missed punctuation, poor spelling, and horrible grammar (and spell check is the greatest tool for people suffering from this disorder called Cantspellitis.) But before you start casting stones in your glass house, I ask you to reflect on your life and see if you are truly without vocabulary-sin.

What brought this on was a movie review I was reading last week. As I was going over movies in 2012 to make my list of top 10, I stopped at Cabin in the Woods to read some reviews. I am a hardcore Joss Whedon fan. Talking ill of Joss Whedon to me is translated into "fightin' words" in my head. Say what you want about me, but leave Joss out of this. He didn't do anything to you. (As I was writing this, an image of me in smeared mascara and tears in my eyes like Chris Crocker, screaming "LEAVE JOSS WHEDON ALONE," came to mind .......... I should do something like that one day. Mental note. Where was I? Oh yeah.) So I am reading one of the two negative reviews of Cabin in the Woods, and the guy writes: "This was not a good movie, let me be pacific." That's when my brain shut down. See, everyone is entitled to their opinion, as long as you're not being "pacific" about it.

At first I thought he was auto-corrected, which many of us with iDevices experience on a daily basis. My favorite auto-correction to date is: "We should have stuffed baked prostitutes! (That was supposed to say "potatoes"). I know it was not auto-correct because he latter used the word "pacifically" to explain where the ending "went wrong." This is the part where you slap your hand to your face at the ignorance.

It's no surprise that people mispronounce words. I'm guilty. For the longest time, I thought it was pronounced "supposebly." This continued all the way to high school where I learned I was misinformed. No, it wasn't in class or from a teacher, but rather from the source where I got 70% of my knowledge in my youth: the TV. That's right. Chandler, from Friends, had dumped a girl because she had mispronounced "supposedly." And as his roommate Joey checked his own grammar to see if he too was guilty of mispronouncing it, a light bulb went off in my head. Not literally. Supposedly has a "D," not a "B." I cannot tell you the amount of joy I feel right now that at least one of you is realizing this for the very first time. Today my friends...I am imparting wisdom upon you.

Since my Friends enlightenment, it has been my mission in life to stop mispronouncing words so I don't look like a fool "pacifically." Now I am not talking about words like tomato and potato, where the placement of the emphasis can be either (don't even get me started on that damn word). I am talking about words that are COMPLETELY mispronounced. Case in point, "asked." I am sure this has happened to you where you're listening to a story that someone is telling you, picturing all the details you can in your mind, when all of a sudden they say, "and then I axed him . . ." This situation happened to me. One minute I am having a pleasant image of my friend having a conversation with their boss, and the next, a axe appears in their hand as they begin to chop down their boss like they were Lizzie Borden. Not a pretty picture, but whenever somebody says "axed him," I can't stop my mind from seeing a swinging axe and a smile appears on my face. This is one of the many reasons why I till people I have problems. Someone wielding an axe should never result in a smile.

The most common place I find people mispronouncing words is at work. I understand at Olive Garden they use Italian words (shocker) that some people have no clue how to correctly pronounce. Most of the time, I got people who just don't know how to read. They would think that the Tuscana soup was pronounced Tucson, like it came from Arizona instead of Italy. I did have the occasional guest who would break up words to miss pronounce them like: mine-strone, mer-lott, and filet mig-non. My favorite was when they would refer to the Pasta e fagioli soup as "pasta-E-fag-E-oli." Every time someone asked for this I would reply with a "What did you call me?" Those were good times.

Working at Starbucks, you get used to people saying small, medium or large instead of tall, grande and venti. But the most commonly mispronounced word is not caramel, but espresso. Attention Starbucks patrons: There isn't an "X" in espresso. It is not "expresso." Every time I hear people say this, I think of the store Express and Expresso should have been the name for Express for Men. I tell this to Jason every time he drags me there. The look on his face is never amusement.

Some other fun mispronounced words are:

irregardless - try using the word regardless.

sherbert - sherbet

orientated / oriented

For all intensive purposes / For all intents and purposes

Lions in the Street / Islands in the Stream - This is something people love to make fun of me for. When I was five, I thought Kenny Rodgers and Dolly Parton were in fact singing about Lions in the Street. I could write a blog just about misheard lyrics. Hmmm. A plan is forming.

Yestaday / yesterday

Schrimps / shrimp

Scall-lops / scallops - Thank you Maitland family. ;-)

MacDonalds / McDonalds - While we are on the subject, they are not called MacNuggets either.

Oriental / Asian - Oriental is a rug, not a culture.

So if you or anyone you know has been mispronouncing any of these words, kindly point them to this blog. And if you also sing about Lions in the Street, remember . . . That is what we are, with no one in between, how could be wrong?

(If anyone would like to add to this list, please post all comments at the bottom. I have fixed the comment portioning of my blog . . . . I think.)

A New Year Begins

I have a new tradition. For the last 10 years I have awaken to a splitting headache on New Years Day. You would think I would learn after 9 years, but no. Apparently I am either a slow learner or a glutton for punishment.

As i laid in bed, hoping that my headache would subside and dreading the endless loop of the Tournament of Roses parade, I realized something. I need to make some changes in my life. Maybe it was the headache talking. Maybe I had some type of enlightenment occur. Maybe it had something to do with Man in the Mirror playing on my alarm clock. Whatever the case may be, I am here to document my New Years resolutions and ask you, Gentle Reader, to hold me accountable.

THE RESOLUTIONS OF 2013
by Topher Huckaby

I will no longer mix sparkling wine with any other alcohol. This has lead to too many headaches. In fact, I think I am going to lay off sparkling wine all together. No good ever comes of it. From now on, all my toasts will be made with tequila or some other hard alcohol. The hangover is easier to get rid of, and I am less of an angry drunk. I look at this as a win win.

I will not make anymore friends who are into MMO's or RPG's. I am at maximum nerdiness. Anymore nerd and I won't be able to contain myself. The sarcastic remarks will spew from my mouth like a sick child on a Tilt-a-whirl. If you are one of my friends who likes these kind of games, consider yourself fortunate. I have grandfather claused you in. If we aren't friends yet and LARPing is your thing, our friendship is not meant to be. It's for the best though. You wouldn't want me to be your friend anyway. I'm kind of a dick.

I will stop being a dick . . . . all the time . . . . some of the time . . . . on Thursday's . . . . after 5pm. Yeah. I think that's doable.

I will stop making Jason the butt of all my jokes. After watching several couples over the past few months, it turns out we have one of the healthier relationships. If I want to keep this trend rising, I need to start trying that "Being sensitive and compassionate in response to my partner" thing. It's not a total loss. There are other butts out there just asking for it. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave you met Troy?

I will reignite my friendship with Emily Mortimer, wherever she may be.

I will finally watch all 3 of the Godfather movies. I have yet to see each movie from start to finish in one sitting. And while I am on that note: I will make Lindsay watch Cruel Intentions. The insanity must end this year.

I will stop eating meat . . . . . . wait, I forgot about bacon. Never mind. There are NO good vegetarian bacons that exist. That's why vegetarians and vegans are so angry all the time. They are missing out on one of the greatest foods on the planet. You show me a vegetarian that thinks bacon isn't delicious, and I will show you a fool. Instead, I will be more considerate to my vegetarian friends, especially Lesley. I will stop eating western bacon cheeseburgers in front of her. It's mean . . . especially when I wave it in her face and tempt her like I am some sort of meat pusher (gigitty).

I will stop correcting people. I am not a professor. I am not teaching people in any way, There is no need to constantly correct people. I only come off arrogant and condescending, two qualities that people never seek out when finding a friend.

And finally, I will get on a better blog schedule. Writing in this always makes me happy, and I don't want to lose anymore readers to my procrastination.

So there you have it. My 2013 New Years resolutions. I hope all of you reading this will hold me accountable to this list. Now if you excuse me, I have to go eat breakfast. Jay just cooked a bunch of bacon and the aroma is making my mouth water with its intoxicating sent. (That's not being a meat pusher, is it?)