A New Year Begins

I have a new tradition. For the last 10 years I have awaken to a splitting headache on New Years Day. You would think I would learn after 9 years, but no. Apparently I am either a slow learner or a glutton for punishment.

As i laid in bed, hoping that my headache would subside and dreading the endless loop of the Tournament of Roses parade, I realized something. I need to make some changes in my life. Maybe it was the headache talking. Maybe I had some type of enlightenment occur. Maybe it had something to do with Man in the Mirror playing on my alarm clock. Whatever the case may be, I am here to document my New Years resolutions and ask you, Gentle Reader, to hold me accountable.

THE RESOLUTIONS OF 2013
by Topher Huckaby

I will no longer mix sparkling wine with any other alcohol. This has lead to too many headaches. In fact, I think I am going to lay off sparkling wine all together. No good ever comes of it. From now on, all my toasts will be made with tequila or some other hard alcohol. The hangover is easier to get rid of, and I am less of an angry drunk. I look at this as a win win.

I will not make anymore friends who are into MMO's or RPG's. I am at maximum nerdiness. Anymore nerd and I won't be able to contain myself. The sarcastic remarks will spew from my mouth like a sick child on a Tilt-a-whirl. If you are one of my friends who likes these kind of games, consider yourself fortunate. I have grandfather claused you in. If we aren't friends yet and LARPing is your thing, our friendship is not meant to be. It's for the best though. You wouldn't want me to be your friend anyway. I'm kind of a dick.

I will stop being a dick . . . . all the time . . . . some of the time . . . . on Thursday's . . . . after 5pm. Yeah. I think that's doable.

I will stop making Jason the butt of all my jokes. After watching several couples over the past few months, it turns out we have one of the healthier relationships. If I want to keep this trend rising, I need to start trying that "Being sensitive and compassionate in response to my partner" thing. It's not a total loss. There are other butts out there just asking for it. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave you met Troy?

I will reignite my friendship with Emily Mortimer, wherever she may be.

I will finally watch all 3 of the Godfather movies. I have yet to see each movie from start to finish in one sitting. And while I am on that note: I will make Lindsay watch Cruel Intentions. The insanity must end this year.

I will stop eating meat . . . . . . wait, I forgot about bacon. Never mind. There are NO good vegetarian bacons that exist. That's why vegetarians and vegans are so angry all the time. They are missing out on one of the greatest foods on the planet. You show me a vegetarian that thinks bacon isn't delicious, and I will show you a fool. Instead, I will be more considerate to my vegetarian friends, especially Lesley. I will stop eating western bacon cheeseburgers in front of her. It's mean . . . especially when I wave it in her face and tempt her like I am some sort of meat pusher (gigitty).

I will stop correcting people. I am not a professor. I am not teaching people in any way, There is no need to constantly correct people. I only come off arrogant and condescending, two qualities that people never seek out when finding a friend.

And finally, I will get on a better blog schedule. Writing in this always makes me happy, and I don't want to lose anymore readers to my procrastination.

So there you have it. My 2013 New Years resolutions. I hope all of you reading this will hold me accountable to this list. Now if you excuse me, I have to go eat breakfast. Jay just cooked a bunch of bacon and the aroma is making my mouth water with its intoxicating sent. (That's not being a meat pusher, is it?)