The Crying Scale

One of the things Jason always makes fun of me about is that I never cry. It's true. I, Topher Huckaby, am an emotionless robot. It is a very rare moment when I cry at a movie (eff you, Up). It's not that I don't have a soul...I just don't emit the same emotional response as say, a fourteen year old girl. And there's not anything wrong with crying at something you have just watched; it just doesn't happen to me.

I use to think that I was a freak for not crying at something that everybody else I knew, had. First my webbed toes, and now this. I use to hypothesize that my mom drank a lot while she was pregnant with me, but this theory was discontinued after I blurted it out on my seventh birthday and proceeded to walk the rest of the way home. A little advice: never blame your mother for your genetic misfortune while she is driving a car unless you have comfortable shoes on.

To date, I have only cried at two films in my life, but I have had several years observing the people around me and have noticed that there are, in fact, several levels of crying. I find it absolutely fascinating that the same film can produce different levels of crying in every person. It wasn't until recently that I came up with a scale in order to gauge your level of crying. Kinda of like quantifying how drunk you are, but on a global scale.

Level 1: The Tears of Joy
I have had a few moments where I have laughed so hard that tears have formed in my eyes. The Hangover is a great example of this. While the whole movie is pretty hysterical, the scene that always gets me is when Alan comes down the escalator like Rain Man. I can't help it. Gets me every time.

Another example is that moment where you are so happy that something happened, that one solitary tear rolls down your cheek. Like Rudy finally getting put in the game. When George Baily hugs his family and realizes he does in fact have A Wonderful Life. Or when Julia Roberts finally finds a place they'll let her shop in Pretty Woman. That one tear forms in the corner of your eye and slowly roles down your cheek, marking that moment of pure joy.

Level 2: The Secret Cry
The Secret Cry is a distant cousin of "The Church Chuckles," where you must muffle your inappropriate laughter. This is when you are actually crying, but you want to hide it from the people you are around. This rarely happens during movies. It is more commonly found while watching those cell phone commercials where people finally get to talk to their loved ones that they haven't heard from in a long time. You know you have hit Level 2 when you find yourself crying, then immediately try to hide the fact because no one else is crying around you. Jason had this moment during the Lion King.

Now I know what your thinking. It's probably something to the effect of: "What? The Lion King is a sad movie. Are you making fun of people who cried at the Lion King? YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!!" Before you start throwing holy water on me to see if I start to sizzle, hear me out. Yes, the Lion King is sad. When Simba walks out of the dust cloud and starts calling out for his father and then you see the dads lifeless body. Yes, that is a tear-up moment. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the beginning of the damn movie. That's right. At Simba's birth, Jason had tears rolling down his cheek. Some chick is singing about how the circle of life moves us all, and Jason is whipping the tears out of his eye quicker then a Kardashian marriage. Did you cry at that? Didn't think so.

Level 3: The Gut Wrenching Cry
Often referred to as the Soul Crushing cry. This is where you are watching something and you feel your soul leave your body and you become hollow. Where your hands clench the armrest, your eyes open as far as they can, and you hold your breath, because you know what is happening next. Shelby won't be sniffing those Steel Magnolias. Rose had to let go of your frozen body Jack. Or Carl opening up that FREAKING adventure book Ellie made and realizes their marriage was the adventure she had always been dreaming of (like I said, eff you Up).

Your soul eventually does re-enter your body, but it almost feels like a piece of it didn't return, and a part of you resents that movie for taking it from you. And when people bring that movie up in conversation, it feels like someone just walked over your grave. (Side bar: If you'd like to test this theory, sing "I Dreamed a Dream" in front of Jason one day. Two words: Soul Crushed)

This is where most people tap out. They never go higher then this, because they understand that what they are watching is only a film, and is not actually happening to them. But then there are those, we'll call them "Shmason," who take it one level higher.

Level 4: The Epic Cry
I use to refer to this as the "Snot Cry" because it's when you cry so hard that snot comes running out your nose. It's that crying that often produces some type of sound like a sniffle or whimper. Maybe even an "Oh God." And then it happens. The tears come out so much that you turn into one of those anime cartoons with the river of tears.

When Andy hands over Woody and realizes its time to "put away childish things."

Ewan McGregor holding Kicole Kidmans lifeless body in his arms at the Moulin Rouge after she told him that she always loved him.

Arnie Grape realizing his mother died . . . and on his birthday no less. 

 When Owen Wilson stays by Marley's side as the dog is put to sleep

When Daniel Laruso wins the match and you see Mr. Miyagi's shiny forhead and he does that proud nod. "We did it Mr. Miagi!" "You're alright Laruso!"

Nothing can stop the Epic Cry. At Level 4, you are left as what I lovingly refer to as a "wet mess." But you know what friend? Don't worry about it. I will be right there beside at Level 1...because I am laughing at you so hard. My soul, colder than those frozen bobbing people at the end of  Titanic.

So the next time you are watching a movie and you start to cry, post what level cry you had on my blog. Maybe it will be the one film that makes me cry like this: