Troy Is An Asshole

Troy Malinowski is an asshole . . .

 

Did the first line sink in? For those of you who don't know Troy, he is my polish gamer friend who likes tattoos and body piercing. Loves Metallica more then oxygen, and has a soft spot for cheesy movies. If he's not on his XBOX playing a game, he is watching his Netflix alternating from American Dad to Archer. It's true. His gamertag is Cerberus11 on XBOX. Look it up if you don't believe me.

You might remember Troy from my Virgo post last month. Even back then I believe I stated that I tend to be irritated by this sign. What I did not mention is the rare occurrence when you meet someone born on a cusp (their birthday falls in one sign, but is a few days off from another). This causes a person to take on the attributes of two different signs. Sometimes its so severe that its like talking to two different people and there is no telling which one you're going to get in any given situation. This can be exhausting . . . said the Gemini

Troy, Codenamed: Duchess, aka Wolfman, aka Little Timmy Heartwell, is a Virgo on the cusp of a Libra. I could get into a long drawn out description of what this means, but lets be honest, all you need to know is that this is a recipe for someone who pushes my buttons.

Unlike his Virgo cousin Heather, Troy has been that guy since the day we met. For the last three years, Troy has been doing everything in his power to get under my skin. I make fun of Metallica, he goes and gets a tattoo with their lyrics on his back. I say Clash of the Titans was a terrible movie, that bitch liked it so much he saw the sequel, in theatres no less. I tell him I'm a Red Sox fan, that jerk is a Yankee. I tell him that penis jewelry weirds me out, and now he is sporting, what we lovingly refer to as, The Prince.

 

All this I can forgive . . . until yesterday.

Over the past year I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with my irritating Polish buddy. To remedy this, we made an agreement that we would have a movie night once a week this summer. I know that sounds incredibly gay, but hey, not all of my ideas are epic. Because our movie tastes don't always line up, we decided on a compromise. For example: he wanted to see Battleship, I'm probably gonna make him see Rock of Ages. Whatever the movie may be, this solves 3 problems for me: 1.) I get to spend more time with Troy, 2.) I may finally make it through a summer seeing all the films I wanted to, and 3.) Troy will stop being that guy who hasn't seen epic films (ie any of the Bourne, Ocean, or Daniel Craig Bond movies)

As we were exiting Men in Black 3, we began having a heated discussion of how Paranormal Activity is the new Saw and it did to the Horror genre what Twilight did to Young Adult Fiction (if this line doesn't sit well with you, I have a power point presentation to prove my point). Shortly after, the conversation veered to a new topic of how I was going to, quote, "whack [him] in the Prince" if he did not watch The Crow soon. That's right. Mister "I Myself Am Strange and Unusual" (points if you get that reference and your name is not Jason) hasn't seen The Crow. I'm talking the original movie. I'm not talking about that lame sequel that had the yellow power ranger in it. Nor the one with Kirsten Dunst where the Crow wore a fur jacket. The original, Brandon Lee epic, The Crow. Picture seen here:

Troy then proceeded to promise me that he would watch it today before "the big vein in my head pops."

I'm not really sure how it got here, but this is when the bomb was dropped. Troy has never seen a Scream movie. Oh yeah. You read that right. What's worse then that? IT'S A CONSCIOUS CHOICE. It's not like its one of those things he never got around too. Oh no. That little fucker chooses to not watch any of those films. How can someone who willingly saw Ghost Rider in the theatre (and liked it), say that the Scream movies, quote, "Didn't really interest [him]." He then proceeded to tell me that I already knew this, but I honestly think I blocked it out so my brain didn't shut down on me or I would have turned into one of those crazy people rocking myself in the corner with drool hanging from my lips, repeating one line over and over like: "liver alone."

Why does this affect me so? Great question. For those of you who haven't been to my house, I have all 4 scream posters framed above my dinning room table. Jason wanted to purchase the latest one for me but thought twice because he wasn't sure which one was the right one. That's how much of a Scream freak I am. I own a full Ghostface costume, an action figure, have all the films on Blu-ray, DVD, and still have the first 3 on VHS. I have a replica of the knife used in all 4 films. When the last one came out, I was first in line at the midnight premier. That's how crazy of a Scream fan I am.

I am not going to lie to you, gentle readers. A piece of my soul died yesterday when Troy told me about his refusal to see any of the Scream movies. Not being able to fathom the idea of someone not seeing at least one of these gems of greatness, I appealed to his reasoning (Libra) side. I made him a deal, that he could make me watch any movie on the planet, if he would watch the first Scream movie. Anything. Even Anime. That's how much this means to me.

This is where the asshole part comes in. Even though he agreed to my terms, he wants to, quote, "drag this out a bit because [he] can see that it's getting under [my] skin." That son of a butch (love ya Bev) is going to drag this out because he wants to irritate me. I told him if he was choosing to fuck with me, I would devote my powers and energy to getting him back; starting with writing a blog about this. His response, "bring it." And here we are.

Before you start sending me hate mail, I want to go on record and say that even though he is an asshole, Troy is one of my closest friends. Hell he's probably so close because he is an asshole. I tend to seek out my own. Never the less, I would like to quote Toyota and say, "You ask for it, you got it."

So here is my call to you, good follower of my blog. I ask that you torment Troy for not seeing this fantastic work of art. I ask that you mock him for re-watching Red Riding Hood instead of Scream. I ask that you show him the same gratitude that he has shown me, because I am halfway debating about asking his roommate to let me into their apartment when Troy isn't home so that I can go hide out in his closet with my Ghostface costume on just to scare the ever loving crap out of him . . . I still might do this.

So if you think its a good idea to push my buttons, just prepare yourself, I have a whole bag of tricks with your name on it. And if your name is Rod, and you're sitting in your gay looking apartment, nestled in the OC, I urge you to pop in a disc of How I Met Your Mother, because when I am done with Troy, I am sending everyone after you.

Maybe I will start by telling them your real name . . . .

Moody McMooderson

Yesterday, I was in a mood. You ever have those? Where you wake up in the morning and you say to yourself, "Self . . . I'm feeling kinda pissy." I wasn't angry like those those times where my mental soundtrack is switching between "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit or "Bad Habit" by The Offspring. This was more like my attitude was having a case of the Fuck-its (Topher's Dictionary defines Fuck-its as a behavior rooted into ones psyche that will not allow them to be proactive or not care about things they normally would.) It was like my jovial twin was on vacation and the crabby one was left behind.

Fortunately this did not last the whole day because several people took it upon themselves to cheer me up (you know who you are). But my bad mood did bring to me a moment of clarity. There are things in this world that irritate me. Because I don't like being he who stands alone all the time, I would like to know if these things possibly irritate you too.

1.) Convertibles with the top down and the windows up. Doesn't this defeat the purpose? If you don't want the wind in your hair messing up that hour long battle with the gel and your hairdryer you had this morning, don't drive with the top down.

2.) People who don't know what the internet is. I can't tell you how many people call my work and ask me questions that could have been answered online. The call them smart phones for a reason.

3.) Burger King. That place is the devil. Its not that the food is bad, its that it is SO BAD I would rather eat McDonalds for the rest of my life then endure one hamburger at Burger King.

4.) Auto Correct. You would think a poor speller like myself would appreciate a phone that corrects this for me. However, it always seems to ruin funny moments. For example:

Me: You wanna come over tonight and watch Game of Thrones?

Eric: I am so there.

Me: It is on like Donkey Long. (Apparently Kong is not a word in the iPhone vocabulary)

5.) People who don't watch How I Met Your Mother (I'm looking at you Rod)

6.) Vegans.

7.) People who bring small children to horror films. I know its cruel and unusual punishment that they drag you to every bad kids movie under the sun. Maybe The Lorax wasn't your cup of tea. But don't take a 4 year old to see Cabin in the Woods. What's wrong with you? When your child needs therapy later, you only have yourself to blame.

8.) "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez. This song makes me twitch like Michael J. Fox (if you laughed at that, I will save you a seat next to me in hell). This song is so bad it makes me want to keep hitting delete-et-et-et-et.

9.) Animals dressed as humans. I may refer to my dog as my daughter because pets are the equivalent to children in the gay world. But this is going too far. This is a whole other level of gay. Its like super ultra mega gay.

10.) People who talk down on iPhones. I know. I was jealous when I couldn't afford one too. That doesn't mean you have to pretned that they aren't all that and a bag of potato chips. You will get one too someday and be part of the cool kids club. And hey, it could be worse. You could be Zack Morris:

People still watch Saved by the Bell, right? Am I the only one? Come on. I'M SO EXCITED. I'M SO . . . SCARED.

See, now I feel better. Thanks Saved by the Bell.

The Dirty on Thirty

Last year I turned the big 30 and went into panic mode. No longer could I refer to myself as a young adult, those days were behind me (like parachute pants and slap bracelets). Lots of people told me that 30 is not that bad, but the only comfort I took from that statement was that everyone who said this to me WAS in fact older then me, and therefore I was still younger then most of my friends. I know, I'm an asshole. Moving on.

As the sun set on my last day of 29, I feared that I would turn into that guy wearing argyle socks with really small shorts, telling people stories of "Back in my day." Or worse, I could become my father. However, 30 ended up washing over me like a blanket of clarity, and it is today that I would like to share with you what I learned over the past year.

TOP 30 of 30:

1.) People abuse the word literally. You did not literally die, I am talking to you right now. What you literally need to do is look that word up in a dictionary. And while you're at it, look up irony too.

2.) FICA is an asshole. I'm tired of him taking money from my paychecks. It's like we are divorced and he is garnishing my wages to raise our twin baby girls: Magenta and Columbia. I may have watched Rocky Horror one too many times.

3.) Allowing Gay's to legally marry is not a moral issue. If it was, the church would have came out about any of these occurrences:

4.) They can keep calling it chicken, but does anybody really believe McDonald's when they call them Chicken Nuggets "with real chicken" Seeing that phrase on their advertisements raises two questions. First, why do they feel the need to advertise that. And second, what the HELL were they feeding me before?

5.) I will never be that person who takes pictures of his cats when they do something funny . . . I have a dog for that. It makes it less gay.

6.) Kim Kardashian shouldn't be famous. Teaching girls that all they have to do is make a sex tape for fame and glory is a, wait for it, moral issue. See what I did there?

7.) Diets are not meant to be easy. If they were, everyone would be skinny.

8.) If the Mayan's saw the world ending thousands of years in the future, wouldn't they have seen the Spanish coming?

9.) There is a special place in Hell for people who talk ill of Joss Whedon. I imagine it as a an empty pink room playing Tom's Diner on repeat. (If you knew what song that was without having to look it up, this is why we are friends . . . and old)

10.) Game of Thrones was robbed for the Golden Globe. Best show on TV.

11.) People will give you their biased opinion as fact. Example: "I've never seen Game Of Thrones, but I'm really pretty sure it's not as good as Boardwalk Empire." Are you? How can you be so "really pretty sure?"

12.) Before last year I used the question: "What was your favorite cartoon as a child" to determine someones age. Now, thanks to How I Met Your Mother, I have a new method:

To Rod: If you don't start watching this show, I am going to find a way to make fun of you in every blog I post until you do.

13.) People will always reminisce about gas prices being affordable, yet still manage to drive everywhere they need to go.

14.) Buffy teaches women that they can be influential, powerful, and brave all on their own. Twilight teaches women that if you're with a guy, and he leaves you, trying to kill yourself will make him come back. I have a penis, and I saw this plot line. Wake up women.

15.) Everyone has their goal of being a millionaire. It may not always happen, but it's nice to dream

16.) Spilling your secrets on your blog may not be the wisest choice. I can't tell people they're pretty anymore because they question if I am calling them stupid.

17.) There is a difference between poking fun and being hurtful when using racial humor. If we can't laugh at ourselves, that is the real issue.

18.) If a movie is bad (Ghost Rider, Clash of the Titans), why make a sequel? The second one is just going to be equally bad if not worse.

19.) When it comes to relationships, everyone is crazy. The question is, what is their ratio of crazy to hotness?

20.) There is an app for EVERYTHING. Seriously. Don't believe me? Check this out: Exodus International created an “ex-gay” iPhone app to promote people using their mobile phones to “pray away the gay.” Fortunately, Truth Wins Out launched a 160,000-signature Change.org petition drive to persuade Apple Inc.to remove the app.


21.) I have yet been able to discover what it is about electronic devices that disrupt an airplanes take-off and landing, but I would like to give a shout-out to Alec Baldwin for being the first celebrity to speak out against this. Words with Friends is addicting. Even for those of us who can't spell (i.e. Me), and my little word game is not going to turn this airplane ride into that crash scene from The Grey.

22.) Charlotte from Charlotte's Web is a bitch. That damn spider has been making children cry since 1952. If we ever start burning books again, that is the one I vote for. That and Where the Red Fern Grows. Animal snuff books should not be a part of children's literature.

23.) Apparently I'm racist cause I work in a restaurant. According to an article in The Journal of Black Studies, a survey was conducted in North Carolina that found "40 percent of food servers admit they discriminate against black customers because of a perception they don't tip as much as white patrons." When asked what the average tip percentage of the African-American community, The Journal of Black Studies had no comment.


24.) Colonel Sanders may be the Antichrist.

25.) Thanks to Charlie Sheen I learned that people can have tigers blood and I am looking into getting some of my very own one day. Maybe after I win the lottery.

26.) Superheroes that pee together, stay together.

27.) Calling a man out for sending naked pictures on his phone is like calling out a mentally handicapped child for a double dribble. You just gotta let somethings slide. Even if he is running for mayor.

28.) Presidential candidates pick the STUPIDEST platforms. I am looking at your Rick Santorum.

29.) Jack-in-the-Box's tacos are not soy. They're not beef either. They are a hybrid of both. I know. I'm as shocked as you are.At least lie to me like Taco Bell.

30.) Apparently I am offensive and not suitable for children. All I have to say to this is: I am an asshole who speaks my mind, regardless of what people think. I will always be an asshole because changing that now would be changing who I am. But you know what? You're the asshole reading my blog. So lets be assholes together. ;-)

Obama, Modern Family, and the Token Gay

If you have been living under a rock, you may have missed the controversy about Obama coming out. No, not out of the closet . . . well . . . close enough. I must admit, I didn't hear about this from the news or any media sites. No. I heard this from about fifty of my friends, because apparently when their are issues dealing with Homosexuals Rights, my phone blows up like its the end of the world, which is not good because it IS 2012, so every time this happens I go into false panic mode and start chasing Piper around the house because that's what you do in an emergency: grab the kids, get out of the house. Imagine my disappointment when I find out the world is not ending and friends just want to "share in the joy."

Believe me, I am happy that a president has finally stepped out in support of gay marriage. I think it’s about dang time. I fully support gay marriage, and not just because I would love to marry Jason (and take half his money when we divorce), it’s because I think gays should have the same rights as straight couples, like filing their taxes together or being allowed in the emergency room. But this is not my soap box. 

So why do I sound like a Moping Moe (pun intended)? The real issue for me is that my well-meaning friends always call me when there is ANY issue involving anything related to homosexuals on the news. Can you IMAGINE what it’s like to hear from fifty of your friends every time a new season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race is announced? Did you really need ME to confirm that I knew that Ricky Martin was gay all along?!?  It's like gay is a nationality and they are trying to show the world they aren't racist because they have a token gay friend. I don't call you over heterosexual rights. I don't flaunt you to all my gay friends like you're some type of affirmative action plan for me. And most of all, I DON'T COMPARE YOU TO THE STRAIGHT COUPLES I SEE ON TV.

I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me there. Let me pull back and start this again. When Modern Family came out 3 years ago, all Jason and I ever get compared to is the gay couple on that show. For those of you living under that rock, here's what I am talking about:

Once Will & Grace ended, I thought I would finally stop being referred to as a "Jack," (I see myself as more of a Karen, thank you). But then came the dynamic duo of Cameron and Mitchell. Apparently we act the same, talk the same, dress the same, and even have the same physical attributes:

Really? If you think we look alike, I only have one thing to say to you . . . You're pretty. ;-)

It occurred to me yesterday, as I fielded so many phone calls that I considered hiring an assistant, that the reason why my friends constantly compare us to Cameron and Mitchell is because we quite possibly are the only gay couple that they know. Is Mitchell a super clumsy control freak like Jason? Yes. Am I that guy who was in choir and theatre but still loves watching sports, yeah. But I have NEVER wanted to be a clown except that ONE time I wanted to scare the bejezzus out of my brother-in-law. We don't have a daughter we adopted and have no plans of doing that anytime soon.And neither of us are that flamboyant unless alcohol is involved 

There is one Modern Family Quote I do agree with:

 Cameron Tucker: There's nothing gays hate more then being treated like women. Okay? We don't want to go to your baby shower, we don't have a time of the month, and we don't love pink.

Mitchell Pritchett: You love pink.

Cameron Tucker: No, pink loves me.

I was thinking that it might be interesting to start comparing my straight friends to straight fictional couples from television and movies, just to have some fun.  Not the good ones either. I imagine my friends having a talk about how different they are and how they struggle to make it work as I toss my head back and laugh, taking a drag on my cigarette: “HA!  You guys are SOOO Bella and Edward right now!”

As amusing as that would be to me, I don’t want to lose any friends, so in the wake of this gay marriage announcement, I would like to suggest this as a solution to my heterosexual friends. Take this opportunity and find additional gay people to be friends with. Go to west Hollywood and check out the clubs. Visit Palm Springs and walk down Palm Canyon Drive. Go to Disneyland, 75% of their workers play for my team. Approach the guy at the karaoke bar that just sang a passionate rendition of “Papa Can You Hear Me?” from Yentl. Broaden your horizons and no time you’ll be livin’ la vida loca.

Urinary Habits of the Male Gender

Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone . . . unless you're a woman on the way to the bathroom. I always found it puzzling that women go to the bathroom in pairs on a frequent basis. At first I thought it was a safety behavior that remained from their childhood, liking holding someones hand while crossing the street. But really the only danger one could find in the bathroom is falling into the toilet because you didn't notice the seat was up (which apparently happens to women a lot . . . more on this later). It wasn't until just recently I asked my adviser on female behaviors (AKA Lesley) why this phenomenon occurs. Her response: "There's no privacy violation. We can talk the whole time." After long hours of contemplation, a beam of light shown down from the heavens and I was struck by an epiphany. I discovered that it isn't women who are abnormal with their bathroom behavior, it's the men.

In case you have never noticed your bathroom idiosyncrasies, or you have a uterus and no clue what men do in the bathroom, allow me to enlighten you.

1.) Men do not talk in the bathroom. At all. It is more acceptable to hear someone farting in the bathroom then to be spoken to. I’m not sure when or why it was established men shouldn't speak to each other in the bathroom. I do know when I’m trying to take a shidubie, I'm really not in the mood to talk to the guy in the stall next to me. The mens room is like a library. The silence creates awkward moments occasionally.  All too often we’re nonchalantly trying to release our "business" and we hear the guy next to us grunting, as if he’s in pain, passing a kidney stone, or made the mistake of combining Long John Silver's and Dr. Pepper. This act usually leads to the "church giggles" (inaudible laughing), and then immediately followed by the pungent odor of that man's gas, which is always your sign to evacuate the bathroom.

2.) Men will not stand next to another man while they are urinating unless they have run out of all options and its an emergency. They will sooner go into a stall then pee next to another man. If a man find himself urinating next to another man, they immediately become very aware of their eyes and where exactly they are pointed. They will either stare at the wall in front of them, or down into the urinal to check on their progress. There are no wondering eyes (unless you are peeing at a gay bar, which the eyes are all over the place).

Eye contact is avoided at all costs. Men become very aware of the tile floor when they enter a bathroom.

3.) Men become very aware of how they are standing in a restroom. The unoccupied hand (the hand not holding their junk) is always used to block anyone from "mistakenly" glancing at their package.  If you've ever walked into a bathroom and there is urine on the floor, its because some guy went with the Superman pose (both hands on his hips) to alleviate his bladder, which also decreases accuracy. Also, some men stand as close to the urinal as possible, like their distance could mean the difference between life and death. Others stand so far back like they are making it their personal goal for distance in the Bathroom Olympics. They stand like they are guarding their post, feet shoulder length apart, with no excessive spreading of the legs, like they have all studied the same manual of How To Pee Into a Urinal.

4.) Men do not linger. At home, I am as guilty as the next man for spending too much time in the bathroom. This usually occurs because that is a never fail way to have time by myself . . . and I have really interesting magazines in there.(Side bar: If my blog is one of the things you read on the toilet, I'm okay with that. That's how I'll know I have arrived if my writing has become your restroom literature.)

 A public restroom, on the other hand, is not your reading lounge. I cannot fathom the concept of spending any more time then is absolutely necessary with my bare ass attached to a surface that thousands of others have sat before me. Those who linger in public restrooms are waiting for something. What that "something" is, escapes me. Are they avoiding a blind date? Waiting for a chance to mug someone? Hoping to make a new friend? A visit from aliens? I encourage you to think about this if you are one of the people who use public restrooms as your chance to "stop and smell the roses."

5.) Hygiene is a foreign concept in a mens room. 3 out of 5 men do not wash their hands after using the restroom (and the ones that do are only giving you the impression that they’re washing their hands). Why does this occur? I think it comes from an irrational fear of what would happen from this activity. Like washing your hands in a public restroom breaks the third seal of the apocalypse or something will come out of one of the stalls and eat you because now your hands are germ free.

 

 Because I am the type of person that likes to mess with people, I like to ignore some of these rules for my own personal enjoyment. I will walk right up between to guys and strike an odd pose at my urinal: Maybe give them the "What's up" head nod if they glance my way.

If I am by myself. I will put my hand on the wall and lean into the urinal like I haven't gone to the bathroom in a year and moan as if the release of pressure from my bladder is giving me pure enjoyment, just to get a reaction from the next guy to walk in.

 Sometimes I like to multitask and use my cellphone while I am urinating. And if I had children . . . this would totally be me

 

But hey, I'm a rebel.