The Dirty on Thirty

Last year I turned the big 30 and went into panic mode. No longer could I refer to myself as a young adult, those days were behind me (like parachute pants and slap bracelets). Lots of people told me that 30 is not that bad, but the only comfort I took from that statement was that everyone who said this to me WAS in fact older then me, and therefore I was still younger then most of my friends. I know, I'm an asshole. Moving on.

As the sun set on my last day of 29, I feared that I would turn into that guy wearing argyle socks with really small shorts, telling people stories of "Back in my day." Or worse, I could become my father. However, 30 ended up washing over me like a blanket of clarity, and it is today that I would like to share with you what I learned over the past year.

TOP 30 of 30:

1.) People abuse the word literally. You did not literally die, I am talking to you right now. What you literally need to do is look that word up in a dictionary. And while you're at it, look up irony too.

2.) FICA is an asshole. I'm tired of him taking money from my paychecks. It's like we are divorced and he is garnishing my wages to raise our twin baby girls: Magenta and Columbia. I may have watched Rocky Horror one too many times.

3.) Allowing Gay's to legally marry is not a moral issue. If it was, the church would have came out about any of these occurrences:

4.) They can keep calling it chicken, but does anybody really believe McDonald's when they call them Chicken Nuggets "with real chicken" Seeing that phrase on their advertisements raises two questions. First, why do they feel the need to advertise that. And second, what the HELL were they feeding me before?

5.) I will never be that person who takes pictures of his cats when they do something funny . . . I have a dog for that. It makes it less gay.

6.) Kim Kardashian shouldn't be famous. Teaching girls that all they have to do is make a sex tape for fame and glory is a, wait for it, moral issue. See what I did there?

7.) Diets are not meant to be easy. If they were, everyone would be skinny.

8.) If the Mayan's saw the world ending thousands of years in the future, wouldn't they have seen the Spanish coming?

9.) There is a special place in Hell for people who talk ill of Joss Whedon. I imagine it as a an empty pink room playing Tom's Diner on repeat. (If you knew what song that was without having to look it up, this is why we are friends . . . and old)

10.) Game of Thrones was robbed for the Golden Globe. Best show on TV.

11.) People will give you their biased opinion as fact. Example: "I've never seen Game Of Thrones, but I'm really pretty sure it's not as good as Boardwalk Empire." Are you? How can you be so "really pretty sure?"

12.) Before last year I used the question: "What was your favorite cartoon as a child" to determine someones age. Now, thanks to How I Met Your Mother, I have a new method:

To Rod: If you don't start watching this show, I am going to find a way to make fun of you in every blog I post until you do.

13.) People will always reminisce about gas prices being affordable, yet still manage to drive everywhere they need to go.

14.) Buffy teaches women that they can be influential, powerful, and brave all on their own. Twilight teaches women that if you're with a guy, and he leaves you, trying to kill yourself will make him come back. I have a penis, and I saw this plot line. Wake up women.

15.) Everyone has their goal of being a millionaire. It may not always happen, but it's nice to dream

16.) Spilling your secrets on your blog may not be the wisest choice. I can't tell people they're pretty anymore because they question if I am calling them stupid.

17.) There is a difference between poking fun and being hurtful when using racial humor. If we can't laugh at ourselves, that is the real issue.

18.) If a movie is bad (Ghost Rider, Clash of the Titans), why make a sequel? The second one is just going to be equally bad if not worse.

19.) When it comes to relationships, everyone is crazy. The question is, what is their ratio of crazy to hotness?

20.) There is an app for EVERYTHING. Seriously. Don't believe me? Check this out: Exodus International created an “ex-gay” iPhone app to promote people using their mobile phones to “pray away the gay.” Fortunately, Truth Wins Out launched a 160,000-signature Change.org petition drive to persuade Apple Inc.to remove the app.


21.) I have yet been able to discover what it is about electronic devices that disrupt an airplanes take-off and landing, but I would like to give a shout-out to Alec Baldwin for being the first celebrity to speak out against this. Words with Friends is addicting. Even for those of us who can't spell (i.e. Me), and my little word game is not going to turn this airplane ride into that crash scene from The Grey.

22.) Charlotte from Charlotte's Web is a bitch. That damn spider has been making children cry since 1952. If we ever start burning books again, that is the one I vote for. That and Where the Red Fern Grows. Animal snuff books should not be a part of children's literature.

23.) Apparently I'm racist cause I work in a restaurant. According to an article in The Journal of Black Studies, a survey was conducted in North Carolina that found "40 percent of food servers admit they discriminate against black customers because of a perception they don't tip as much as white patrons." When asked what the average tip percentage of the African-American community, The Journal of Black Studies had no comment.


24.) Colonel Sanders may be the Antichrist.

25.) Thanks to Charlie Sheen I learned that people can have tigers blood and I am looking into getting some of my very own one day. Maybe after I win the lottery.

26.) Superheroes that pee together, stay together.

27.) Calling a man out for sending naked pictures on his phone is like calling out a mentally handicapped child for a double dribble. You just gotta let somethings slide. Even if he is running for mayor.

28.) Presidential candidates pick the STUPIDEST platforms. I am looking at your Rick Santorum.

29.) Jack-in-the-Box's tacos are not soy. They're not beef either. They are a hybrid of both. I know. I'm as shocked as you are.At least lie to me like Taco Bell.

30.) Apparently I am offensive and not suitable for children. All I have to say to this is: I am an asshole who speaks my mind, regardless of what people think. I will always be an asshole because changing that now would be changing who I am. But you know what? You're the asshole reading my blog. So lets be assholes together. ;-)