Urinary Habits of the Male Gender

Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone . . . unless you're a woman on the way to the bathroom. I always found it puzzling that women go to the bathroom in pairs on a frequent basis. At first I thought it was a safety behavior that remained from their childhood, liking holding someones hand while crossing the street. But really the only danger one could find in the bathroom is falling into the toilet because you didn't notice the seat was up (which apparently happens to women a lot . . . more on this later). It wasn't until just recently I asked my adviser on female behaviors (AKA Lesley) why this phenomenon occurs. Her response: "There's no privacy violation. We can talk the whole time." After long hours of contemplation, a beam of light shown down from the heavens and I was struck by an epiphany. I discovered that it isn't women who are abnormal with their bathroom behavior, it's the men.

In case you have never noticed your bathroom idiosyncrasies, or you have a uterus and no clue what men do in the bathroom, allow me to enlighten you.

1.) Men do not talk in the bathroom. At all. It is more acceptable to hear someone farting in the bathroom then to be spoken to. I’m not sure when or why it was established men shouldn't speak to each other in the bathroom. I do know when I’m trying to take a shidubie, I'm really not in the mood to talk to the guy in the stall next to me. The mens room is like a library. The silence creates awkward moments occasionally.  All too often we’re nonchalantly trying to release our "business" and we hear the guy next to us grunting, as if he’s in pain, passing a kidney stone, or made the mistake of combining Long John Silver's and Dr. Pepper. This act usually leads to the "church giggles" (inaudible laughing), and then immediately followed by the pungent odor of that man's gas, which is always your sign to evacuate the bathroom.

2.) Men will not stand next to another man while they are urinating unless they have run out of all options and its an emergency. They will sooner go into a stall then pee next to another man. If a man find himself urinating next to another man, they immediately become very aware of their eyes and where exactly they are pointed. They will either stare at the wall in front of them, or down into the urinal to check on their progress. There are no wondering eyes (unless you are peeing at a gay bar, which the eyes are all over the place).

Eye contact is avoided at all costs. Men become very aware of the tile floor when they enter a bathroom.

3.) Men become very aware of how they are standing in a restroom. The unoccupied hand (the hand not holding their junk) is always used to block anyone from "mistakenly" glancing at their package.  If you've ever walked into a bathroom and there is urine on the floor, its because some guy went with the Superman pose (both hands on his hips) to alleviate his bladder, which also decreases accuracy. Also, some men stand as close to the urinal as possible, like their distance could mean the difference between life and death. Others stand so far back like they are making it their personal goal for distance in the Bathroom Olympics. They stand like they are guarding their post, feet shoulder length apart, with no excessive spreading of the legs, like they have all studied the same manual of How To Pee Into a Urinal.

4.) Men do not linger. At home, I am as guilty as the next man for spending too much time in the bathroom. This usually occurs because that is a never fail way to have time by myself . . . and I have really interesting magazines in there.(Side bar: If my blog is one of the things you read on the toilet, I'm okay with that. That's how I'll know I have arrived if my writing has become your restroom literature.)

 A public restroom, on the other hand, is not your reading lounge. I cannot fathom the concept of spending any more time then is absolutely necessary with my bare ass attached to a surface that thousands of others have sat before me. Those who linger in public restrooms are waiting for something. What that "something" is, escapes me. Are they avoiding a blind date? Waiting for a chance to mug someone? Hoping to make a new friend? A visit from aliens? I encourage you to think about this if you are one of the people who use public restrooms as your chance to "stop and smell the roses."

5.) Hygiene is a foreign concept in a mens room. 3 out of 5 men do not wash their hands after using the restroom (and the ones that do are only giving you the impression that they’re washing their hands). Why does this occur? I think it comes from an irrational fear of what would happen from this activity. Like washing your hands in a public restroom breaks the third seal of the apocalypse or something will come out of one of the stalls and eat you because now your hands are germ free.

 

 Because I am the type of person that likes to mess with people, I like to ignore some of these rules for my own personal enjoyment. I will walk right up between to guys and strike an odd pose at my urinal: Maybe give them the "What's up" head nod if they glance my way.

If I am by myself. I will put my hand on the wall and lean into the urinal like I haven't gone to the bathroom in a year and moan as if the release of pressure from my bladder is giving me pure enjoyment, just to get a reaction from the next guy to walk in.

 Sometimes I like to multitask and use my cellphone while I am urinating. And if I had children . . . this would totally be me

 

But hey, I'm a rebel.