Moody McMooderson

Yesterday, I was in a mood. You ever have those? Where you wake up in the morning and you say to yourself, "Self . . . I'm feeling kinda pissy." I wasn't angry like those those times where my mental soundtrack is switching between "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit or "Bad Habit" by The Offspring. This was more like my attitude was having a case of the Fuck-its (Topher's Dictionary defines Fuck-its as a behavior rooted into ones psyche that will not allow them to be proactive or not care about things they normally would.) It was like my jovial twin was on vacation and the crabby one was left behind.

Fortunately this did not last the whole day because several people took it upon themselves to cheer me up (you know who you are). But my bad mood did bring to me a moment of clarity. There are things in this world that irritate me. Because I don't like being he who stands alone all the time, I would like to know if these things possibly irritate you too.

1.) Convertibles with the top down and the windows up. Doesn't this defeat the purpose? If you don't want the wind in your hair messing up that hour long battle with the gel and your hairdryer you had this morning, don't drive with the top down.

2.) People who don't know what the internet is. I can't tell you how many people call my work and ask me questions that could have been answered online. The call them smart phones for a reason.

3.) Burger King. That place is the devil. Its not that the food is bad, its that it is SO BAD I would rather eat McDonalds for the rest of my life then endure one hamburger at Burger King.

4.) Auto Correct. You would think a poor speller like myself would appreciate a phone that corrects this for me. However, it always seems to ruin funny moments. For example:

Me: You wanna come over tonight and watch Game of Thrones?

Eric: I am so there.

Me: It is on like Donkey Long. (Apparently Kong is not a word in the iPhone vocabulary)

5.) People who don't watch How I Met Your Mother (I'm looking at you Rod)

6.) Vegans.

7.) People who bring small children to horror films. I know its cruel and unusual punishment that they drag you to every bad kids movie under the sun. Maybe The Lorax wasn't your cup of tea. But don't take a 4 year old to see Cabin in the Woods. What's wrong with you? When your child needs therapy later, you only have yourself to blame.

8.) "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez. This song makes me twitch like Michael J. Fox (if you laughed at that, I will save you a seat next to me in hell). This song is so bad it makes me want to keep hitting delete-et-et-et-et.

9.) Animals dressed as humans. I may refer to my dog as my daughter because pets are the equivalent to children in the gay world. But this is going too far. This is a whole other level of gay. Its like super ultra mega gay.

10.) People who talk down on iPhones. I know. I was jealous when I couldn't afford one too. That doesn't mean you have to pretned that they aren't all that and a bag of potato chips. You will get one too someday and be part of the cool kids club. And hey, it could be worse. You could be Zack Morris:

People still watch Saved by the Bell, right? Am I the only one? Come on. I'M SO EXCITED. I'M SO . . . SCARED.

See, now I feel better. Thanks Saved by the Bell.