Troy Is An Asshole

Troy Malinowski is an asshole . . .

 

Did the first line sink in? For those of you who don't know Troy, he is my polish gamer friend who likes tattoos and body piercing. Loves Metallica more then oxygen, and has a soft spot for cheesy movies. If he's not on his XBOX playing a game, he is watching his Netflix alternating from American Dad to Archer. It's true. His gamertag is Cerberus11 on XBOX. Look it up if you don't believe me.

You might remember Troy from my Virgo post last month. Even back then I believe I stated that I tend to be irritated by this sign. What I did not mention is the rare occurrence when you meet someone born on a cusp (their birthday falls in one sign, but is a few days off from another). This causes a person to take on the attributes of two different signs. Sometimes its so severe that its like talking to two different people and there is no telling which one you're going to get in any given situation. This can be exhausting . . . said the Gemini

Troy, Codenamed: Duchess, aka Wolfman, aka Little Timmy Heartwell, is a Virgo on the cusp of a Libra. I could get into a long drawn out description of what this means, but lets be honest, all you need to know is that this is a recipe for someone who pushes my buttons.

Unlike his Virgo cousin Heather, Troy has been that guy since the day we met. For the last three years, Troy has been doing everything in his power to get under my skin. I make fun of Metallica, he goes and gets a tattoo with their lyrics on his back. I say Clash of the Titans was a terrible movie, that bitch liked it so much he saw the sequel, in theatres no less. I tell him I'm a Red Sox fan, that jerk is a Yankee. I tell him that penis jewelry weirds me out, and now he is sporting, what we lovingly refer to as, The Prince.

 

All this I can forgive . . . until yesterday.

Over the past year I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with my irritating Polish buddy. To remedy this, we made an agreement that we would have a movie night once a week this summer. I know that sounds incredibly gay, but hey, not all of my ideas are epic. Because our movie tastes don't always line up, we decided on a compromise. For example: he wanted to see Battleship, I'm probably gonna make him see Rock of Ages. Whatever the movie may be, this solves 3 problems for me: 1.) I get to spend more time with Troy, 2.) I may finally make it through a summer seeing all the films I wanted to, and 3.) Troy will stop being that guy who hasn't seen epic films (ie any of the Bourne, Ocean, or Daniel Craig Bond movies)

As we were exiting Men in Black 3, we began having a heated discussion of how Paranormal Activity is the new Saw and it did to the Horror genre what Twilight did to Young Adult Fiction (if this line doesn't sit well with you, I have a power point presentation to prove my point). Shortly after, the conversation veered to a new topic of how I was going to, quote, "whack [him] in the Prince" if he did not watch The Crow soon. That's right. Mister "I Myself Am Strange and Unusual" (points if you get that reference and your name is not Jason) hasn't seen The Crow. I'm talking the original movie. I'm not talking about that lame sequel that had the yellow power ranger in it. Nor the one with Kirsten Dunst where the Crow wore a fur jacket. The original, Brandon Lee epic, The Crow. Picture seen here:

Troy then proceeded to promise me that he would watch it today before "the big vein in my head pops."

I'm not really sure how it got here, but this is when the bomb was dropped. Troy has never seen a Scream movie. Oh yeah. You read that right. What's worse then that? IT'S A CONSCIOUS CHOICE. It's not like its one of those things he never got around too. Oh no. That little fucker chooses to not watch any of those films. How can someone who willingly saw Ghost Rider in the theatre (and liked it), say that the Scream movies, quote, "Didn't really interest [him]." He then proceeded to tell me that I already knew this, but I honestly think I blocked it out so my brain didn't shut down on me or I would have turned into one of those crazy people rocking myself in the corner with drool hanging from my lips, repeating one line over and over like: "liver alone."

Why does this affect me so? Great question. For those of you who haven't been to my house, I have all 4 scream posters framed above my dinning room table. Jason wanted to purchase the latest one for me but thought twice because he wasn't sure which one was the right one. That's how much of a Scream freak I am. I own a full Ghostface costume, an action figure, have all the films on Blu-ray, DVD, and still have the first 3 on VHS. I have a replica of the knife used in all 4 films. When the last one came out, I was first in line at the midnight premier. That's how crazy of a Scream fan I am.

I am not going to lie to you, gentle readers. A piece of my soul died yesterday when Troy told me about his refusal to see any of the Scream movies. Not being able to fathom the idea of someone not seeing at least one of these gems of greatness, I appealed to his reasoning (Libra) side. I made him a deal, that he could make me watch any movie on the planet, if he would watch the first Scream movie. Anything. Even Anime. That's how much this means to me.

This is where the asshole part comes in. Even though he agreed to my terms, he wants to, quote, "drag this out a bit because [he] can see that it's getting under [my] skin." That son of a butch (love ya Bev) is going to drag this out because he wants to irritate me. I told him if he was choosing to fuck with me, I would devote my powers and energy to getting him back; starting with writing a blog about this. His response, "bring it." And here we are.

Before you start sending me hate mail, I want to go on record and say that even though he is an asshole, Troy is one of my closest friends. Hell he's probably so close because he is an asshole. I tend to seek out my own. Never the less, I would like to quote Toyota and say, "You ask for it, you got it."

So here is my call to you, good follower of my blog. I ask that you torment Troy for not seeing this fantastic work of art. I ask that you mock him for re-watching Red Riding Hood instead of Scream. I ask that you show him the same gratitude that he has shown me, because I am halfway debating about asking his roommate to let me into their apartment when Troy isn't home so that I can go hide out in his closet with my Ghostface costume on just to scare the ever loving crap out of him . . . I still might do this.

So if you think its a good idea to push my buttons, just prepare yourself, I have a whole bag of tricks with your name on it. And if your name is Rod, and you're sitting in your gay looking apartment, nestled in the OC, I urge you to pop in a disc of How I Met Your Mother, because when I am done with Troy, I am sending everyone after you.

Maybe I will start by telling them your real name . . . .