All Rise: My Spoiler Free, Dark Knight Review

4 hours of sleep. That is what I am running on while I write this beautiful piece of literature. Even I couldn't type that with a straight face.

Why the lack of sleep? Because I was one of millions at the midnight release of The Dark Knight Rises. I prefer to go to midnight showings of bigger movie releases for one pure simple fact: none of my friends can ruin the movie for me. P.S. Batman dies. Ah crap. I should have said spoiler alert. Oh well. David Letterman already let it slip. Or did he? Muh ha ha ha.

If you are still reading this, thank you for remembering that I do have a sense of humor and applaud you for not going bat shit crazy, pun intended. Since you stuck around through my moment of assholery (is that even a word? I should totally make it one), I will give you my spoiler free movie review.

This movie was in one word: Awesome. In two words: freaking awesome. But I do have some disclaimers for you ten readers who didn't see it last night.

1.) Please remember that this movie is fiction. The second most irritating thing about going to a movie is sitting next to someone who calls out the film when it becomes unrealistic. Enter my good friend Rod. Leave it to a Capricorn to prove that this movie couldn't happen in real life based on science. My response, No Shit. I love you Rod (gigitty), but never once was I watching any Batman movie and thought to myself, "This could totally happen."

It was like the time I got into an argument with someone over Superman: The Return. Here I am talking about a lame story idea and horrible acting. My friend turns around and says, "Yeah. And it was so fake. Like the scene with the bullet bouncing off his eye." Of course its fake. Its freaking Superman. How many times have you seen an alien crash land on earth, looking exactly like us, being raised by southerners, and have super powers? Maybe that kind of thing happens in Canada, but not here.

Will you have to dispense some amount of realistic belief? Yes. Is it anymore then any other superhero movie? No. Here's a good rule of thumb. If you have ever been that person watching a James Bond film and got upset because it was unrealistic . . . don't see this movie.

2.) Please don't take your small children to see this movie. This is the most irritating thing about going to a movie. It's so irritating in fact, it makes my eye twitch like I am about to have a seizure. I did almost stroke out once when I went to see 28 Weeks Later and this couple brought their four year old. But who am I to question parenting? I let Piper walk all over me, sometimes literally (BTW, that's how you use that word correctly). Where was i? Oh yeah.

It's not that this movie is horrible for children. I just think you should maybe take into consideration the other people in the theatre before bringing a toddler with you. Is the content incredibly horrible for children? Well . . . lets just say it really totes the line of being PG-13. Would I take my four year old to see it? Heck no. They would be crying through all the best parts of the movie. Youngest I would take . . . maybe eight or nine.

3.) It isn't as action packed as its predecessor. Please remember that Christopher Nolan intended this to be a trilogy, and therefore one continuous story. A lot of people went out of the theater saying, "The Dark Knight was better." If you are one of these people, I would like to use Josh Murcray's example. Remove Heath Ledger as the Joker and put another actor in that role. Was the movie that great? Or was Ledger's performance what made it so outstanding?

I think that all three movies as a whole are freaking amazing. One installment could not stand alone and be just as epic as the three combined. I do recommend watching the first two before watching this one. It made the movie that much more for me, and I am sure it will do the same for you.

4.) Bane is not the Joker. You can't take a character so deeply rooted in Batman lore and compare him to Bane. It would be like comparing Superman to Aquaman. Super speed, x-ray vision, super strength, flight, etc, can not compare to the ability to communicate with aquatic life. Tom Hardy does an excellent job, and Bane was a fantastic villain to use for where they took the story. But Joker he is not.

5.) Leave Anne Hathaway alone. Was she better then Michelle Pfeiffer? That's hard to say. I think Pfeiffer got to play a more eccentric Catwoman then Hathaway did. But I will give Anne two thumbs up for accurately portraying the "in it for myself" attitude of Catwoman. Also, I felt this was the best acting I have seen from her with the range she was able to display on screen.

So there you have it. If you can keep those five things in mind, you will enjoy this movie just as much as I did. If you still don't . . . well . . . at least its the last one.