The Urge to Merge

Oh Topher…you should know better than to trust a woman.  Hi everyone!  It’s Topher’s friend Lesley.  He told me is password (Lesleyisawesome69) and well…I’m taking advantage and venting on his blog.  This past weekend I moved in with my charming, kind, intelligent boyfriend; an exhilarating experience to say the least.  As many of you probably know, moving in together is so much more than the combining of furniture and sharing a closet.  It’s taking a huge leap of faith…like the Steve Martin movie, but with less crying Jesus statues.

If you’ve ever moved in with a significant other or spouse, you know the routine.  First, you have to find your new home. It starts out with this grand, romantic ideal.  But “It doesn’t matter where I live babe, as long as I’m with you,” quickly turns to “Uh, we’re NOT living here.  The next door neighbor looks like Rasputin.”  Yes, I actually said that.  I also quickly rejected another gorgeous, otherwise perfect home solely based on the fact that it was clearly…haunted. I should have known something was wrong when Zelda Rubenstein was the realtor.  Creepy clowns for under your bed sold separately.  

But I wasn’t the only one being crazy, oh no, my man also was quite vocal with his preferences.  To be fair, most of them were solid, logical requests, but it quickly became clear that our priorities were not the same.  For example, my deal-breakers were ghosts and creepy neighbors.  He scoffed at me because, ehem, “ghosts aren’t real” and “who talks to their neighbors anyway?”  Clearly this was my fault, as I forgot that he is a Capricorn, who isn’t social, especially with ghosts.  Psssh.

As the home search continued, I freqently turned to friend Lindsay (who happens to be my boyfriend’s former roommate) to discuss some of his objections to homes that I liked.  Our favorite to make fun of was his distaste for fruit trees, which he stated was a “con” for him because when he was younger and mowing the lawn, he was pelted repeatedly in the ankles by rock hard peach pits, traveling at the speed of light.  I can’t identify with this kind of torture because, well, I pull the “woman” card to avoid yard work (my apologies to the feminists) and therefore have never mowed a lawn.  However, this experience scarred him for life and is likely the only reason why he isn’t a professional football player;  fruit pit related injuries.  But I digress.  Since the fruit pit trauma came to light, Lindsay and I have been using this as the gold standard example of trivial things to be mad at. “It’s hot today and you know why?  Because of those God DAMN fruit trees!”   “Jersey Shore was cancelled!  F**kin’ FRUIT TREEES!!!”  My point is, during your search, your special someone begins to look like a picky pain in the posterior.  Er...Hi honey.  I love you.  So stoked that we’re living together. Muah!

After finally finding a place and compromising (which is code for being equally unhappy), we began the really fun part of the nerd merger:  combining our possessions.  This is fun, but tricky, for several reasons.  First, you’re going to have extras of some things, like beds, dressers, Spice Girls World Tour dolls, etc.; so you have to do that awkward “which one do we like best” dance, without hurting your partners feelings and telling them that their 100 thread count Batman sheets are indeed awesome, but are inferior to your 1000 thread count sheets, which were handmade by blind monks.

Sometimes, neither party is willing to get rid of their things, which is what happened with Topher and Jason when they moved in together. They have similar taste in tv and movies and therefore had a lot of doubles, specifically with their TV on DVD. I believe Jason was quoted as yelling "It's like you're asking me to give up one of my children!!" before he tearfully flung himself on the bed.  That's what Topher says anyway.  Sometimes you just have to call a truce and get out the labels.  That’d be a great gift for a new couple….label maker!!!  Hmmmmm…….

The fun thing is, no matter how much you think you know about your partner, some of there stuff is going to make you do that squint…the “what the hell am I looking at?” squint.  And you need to find a way to tastefully display your hodgepodge of pop culture items, even if it means mixing genres in your curio cabinet.  Princess Leia Organa may just have to co-exist on the same shelf as Zatanna Zatara.  Life goes on, brah.  La la la la life goes on. 

To illustrate this point, here are some of the actual items that were combined in our new home this weekend:

·         An Elvis Presley lamp…that appears to be of Korean decent

·         A Mace Windu master replica light saber

·         Three large desks

·         Five dressers

·         Over 1,000 Pez Candy Dispensers

As I looked at our variety of funky items, I was reminded of that scene from When Harry Met Sally when Marie and Jess, played by Carrie Fisher and Bruno Kirby, are moving in together, and the group is ganging up on Jess, telling him how ugly his wagon wheel coffee table is.  Harry launches into a rant about this “stupid, garage sale, Roy Rogers wagon wheel coffee table.”  I love Bruno Kirby’s character in this scene because, despite the fact that nobody is on his side, there he is, huge grin, with his arm is around his girlfriend as he defends himself.  He’s all smiles and says:  “I like it.  It works.  It feels like home to me.”  And THAT my friends, is what’s really important.  At the end of the day the ghosts, the neighbor that looks like Rasputin and Korean Elvis lamp don’t matter.  When I walk in my house, my Greg is there, and it feels like home.  Even with the damn fruit trees.

Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 5: You wanna be a star don't ya!

Vacation: Alaska Edition

Chapter 5: You wanna be a star don't ya!

Hello loyal readers of Topher's blog. For those of you who do not know me, it is I, Jason, the other half of this whirlwind couple. So I was tasked with writing a blog about the wonderful performance of Topher's finale in his quest to become the "Princess Popstar!" (and I am the woman?) However I have come to view this assignment as "what I saw from the cheap seats". Now do not get me wrong, I love my husband, he has an amazing voice, and can truly throw some insane vocals at karaoke. Unfortunately what I witnessed was a travesty to all karaoke fans and KJ's everywhere. So come with me now loyal readers into the depravity that was princess cruise lines karaoke contest.

First off, if you are going to have a karaoke contest on board a cruise ship, it is best that you have karaoke on a cruise ship. One night of a one hour block is not enough. It was sad to watch the karaoke end, the cruise ship band come on stage, and the audience leave. I even think the lead female singers look said something like "I got my hair did for this shit!" Yes, poor Icon, they tried to do their best, but how can you perform when no one's around to hear you. Maybe it was the fact that 75% of the people on this boat were over the age of 50, and 11:00pm is way past their bedtime, even on vacation. Yeah, that's what we'll go with.

So the "raging" hour that was allotted for karaoke began with sign ups. Huge books promoting a large selection were placed out with stubby broken pencils and little sheets of paper. Journey through them to discover your voice, but hurry up because we have a band coming on in 55min and she had just got her hair done. So selections were being made and people were getting up to sing. I will not regale you with all of the singers but a few mentions of the talent that was displayed...

   1. Topher magnificently belting out "Kryptonite" and waking up all of the blue hairs from their bedtime.

   2. Jason bringing some much needed clam and relaxation with his powerful rendition of "Margaritaville".

   3. Old mother hubbard not hearing the words, complaining she was sick, starting "These Boots are Made for Walking" twice before the audience sang her into position. Oh but that did not stop her from talking through moments to complain about the lights or the problems with the middle east.

    4. The young professional woman who stuck her finger in her ear for balance, sound check, or hygiene to do a decent job of "You Were Meant for Me".

    5. Closed Captioning (my brother Wayne) singing "Warning" by his favorite band, and even with a hearing disability, still sounding better then Old mother hubbard.

Alas while our beloved Topher was the true star of the evening, he was not to win, nor was the professional with an inner ear problem. Three others won. I firmly believe it was due to the fact that the audience was a collective average of 104 years of age, the songs that won were country songs, and the voting system made about as much sense as the Republican Party platform (oohh political humor!)

Not to be discouraged or undone, our Topher awaited for the second heat to bust out with his amazing version of "Let Her Cry", made popular by some blowfish that hoot. The beauty of this was that the contest was so popular that only six people signed up. Topher had this in the bag though. You see during the days in between heat one and heat two, Topher (and even me if you will buy it) were getting stopped and praised for the talents displayed on the stage. People were actually asking if we would perform again so they could vote for us. So with fan base in tow, six sign ups, and me watching from the cheap seats (we didn't want to split the vote), Topher was the clear winner. You see sitting on the side and watching the vote count, I noticed an insurmountable stack that were clearly for our Topher. His nomination for "Princess Popstar" (ed note.. I love referring to him as this, it makes me happy) was golden. He was going to win the whole seafood enchilada.

So what went wrong?

Yes, the love of my life did not become a Princess or a Popstar. The Princess Popstar went to some woman who appealed to the age and values of the audience by performing Loretta Lynn's "Coal Miner's Daughter". She did not do a bad job, and was graceful as she moved her cankles away from the monitor to smile at the audience and missing a few words in the process. The prize for such fame and fortune, a bottle of shitty champagne and a bag consisting of the finest pens, luggage tags, and note pads money can buy.

All in all you can't complain about it though. Entering the contest gave us the opportunity to at least do karaoke. It was fun to root for my baby and support him in his endeavor, and contest aside, when people stop you all over the ship, at the various ports, and during your reading to tell you how wonderful you are and that you are their favorite, well it just gives you the warm and fuzzies. So Topher,and i if I may, were winners before the contest even began. Oh and editors note: We bitch slapped that boats TV and Movie Theme Song contest with 100% perfect winning that shitty bottle of champagne anyway. So there!

Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 4: Let the Games Begin

Vacation: Alaska Edition

Chapter 4: Let the Games Begin

One of my favorite things on a cruise ship besides the food (I'm such a fatty) are the games they have to entertain you. They mostly consist of trivia and activities that have some way of bringing passengers together. I like to participate because I find most of the games rather enjoyable, thanks in large part to the fact that i usually win. I know what you're thinking, that's such a Troy thing to say. I am not an extremely competitive person. That twin only comes out in two occasions. 1.) If I am playing a certain game (ie Encore and Cranium). 2.) I have the opportunity to lay some smack down on a extremely competitive person. Being on a cruise ship, their are a lot of people that fall into the last category, and I just can't help myself sometimes.

We tried to win some of the trivia games, but good lord they asked some out there questions. They had the standard pop culture questions like "In Peter Pan, what was Wendy's last name" or "What is the fastest sea mammal?" (I would like to tell you that I knew the answer to this because I am brilliant, but in reality its because I went to Sea World a lot when I was a kid.) Then there were the questions that I like to call the, are you kidding me questions. Here are my top 5 questions they asked:

1.) How long does it take light from the sun to reach earth?

2.) What animal is nicknamed the Sea Mosquito?

3.) Who got the most medals in the first Olympics?

4.) What country produces the most cheese?

5.) What snack food was invented in 3000 B.C.?

Where do people come up with these questions? And the crazy thing is, there were old people on this ship that actually got the answers. For those of you playing at home, and don't know about this new invention called Google, here are the answers to the previous questions.

1.) 8 minutes
2.) Jellyfish
3.) USA
4.) USA
5.) Popcorn

Needless to say, we did not score big in the trivia on this ship. Nor did we succeed in The Liars Gameshow, where three people are given a word and provide a definition, and you have to figure out who is telling the truth. We probably would have done excellent if they hadn't used words like HABOOB and PILOERECTION. Yes, you are reading those correctly. All my answers were sexual . . . and I was wrong. I guess I just have a dirty mind. But your mind went there too, and that is why we are friends.

There were three games that we did really well in. First off was the Hat Dance. Think of musical chairs with hats. One person calls out a number, and based on the number called is the action that you have to do. So the basis of this game is to listen to somebody and respond to the number stated. Who in our party is the one to play? Closed Captioning himself, Wayne Colby, JR. The best part, the little shit won. We have no clue how he did it. Dumb luck? Act of God? Fluke accident? All I can tell you is that I fell on the ground laughing so hard from watching him play this game . . . and so did the Cruise Directing Staff. I think he became their favorite passenger.

Then came the "BANG Game." (Please hold your gigitties till the end) Basically it goes like this: everyone stands in a circle around one person in the middle with a finger gun. They point their finger gun at someone and shout "BANG," and that person ducks while the people on their right and left shoot each other. Slowest person is out. And if you shoot out of turn, its called sniping and you're out. Weird game, I know. The majority of our party played the BANG Game, and yours truly ended up winning. I don't know how I won because I have to tell you, in the second to last round I was laughing so hard I could barely focus. Here is a direct quote from the Cruise Director running the game: "So here's how this is gonna go. If I bang you, you two bang each other. If I bang you, you two bang each other. And if I bang you, then you two bang each other. And if I have to repeat that, I am going to bang myself." (Now you can gigitty.)

Then came the moment we had been waiting for. Movie and TV Show themes. As soon as I read that they were going to do this game, I turned to Jason and said, "That prize is ours." I am not the best person when it comes to movie and tv trivia, but I am the person that my friends won't play a game with me if that is the concept.

To say we dominated, is an understatement. Out of 24 questions, we got all 24 correct. The second place team had only 18. Six gold medals and a bottle of cheap champagne were given to us for a job well done. Several people called us freaks while we were playing the game because not only did we know what songs they played, we also knew the words. Here's a Topher fun fact. Remember the Shave and a Haircut scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where Roger goes crazy because he can't resist the urge to sing out "Two Bits"? That's me. Only my song is the theme to Growing Pains. If you walk up to me and sang, "Show me that smile again," I have to keep singing the damn song. It's like my Kryptonite.

For those of you wondering if you could have taken us, here were the 24 movie and tv themes they played:
1.) Star Wars
2.) Who's the Boss
3.) Pirates of the Carribean
4.) Beverley Hillbillies
5.) Dirty Dancing
6.) Cheers
7.) E.T.
8.) The Muppet Show
9.) Superman
10.) MASH
11.) Raiders of the Lost Ark
12.) Golden Girls
13.) Schindler's List
14.) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
15.) Jurassic Park
16.) Sesame Street
17.) Home Alone
18.) Different Strokes
19.) FAME
20.) Andy Griffith Show
21.) Free Willy
22.) Growing Pains
23.) Close Encounters of the Third Kind
24.) The Jeffersons

I would tell you about the karaoke contest, but I promised someone else that they could do it instead. Tune in tomorrow where I will be having a guest blogger tell you all about the "Princess Popstars."

Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 3: It's Pronounced Juno

Vacation: Alaska Edition
Chapter 3: It's Pronounced Juno

My brother-in-law Wayne is the brother I never had, but always wanted. Having said that, he is one the most "special" people I have ever met in my life. Let me be clear, he isn't "special" in an annoying or frustrating way. It more resembles an endearing quality that makes you want to pat him on the head and tell him, "You're pretty."

Before embarking on our great Alaskan Adventure, Wayne was very excited to be visiting the city of Juneau. The only problem is he pronounced it like "Jah-new." After asking him what the hell he was talking about, I quickly informed him on the correct pronunciation of Alaska's capitol. My initial thought was to blame it on his hearing disability, but I was sorely mistaken. Apparently he thought it was French and thus needed to say it "like the French do." Apparently my mother, the history teacher, had misinformed me about Alaska's rich French history. Although, Chester the Eskimo on the Tail of Alaskan Airplanes does look a little French.

Later during the cruise, Wayne asked me why the heck we were going to Canada on an Alaskan cruise. It took me a minute of looking at him like he was crazy to figure out that he had no clue where Alaska actually was. Apparently he thought it was an island somewhere, and was unaware that it was attached to Canada and not the United States. Part of me wondered if he even knew where Canada was.

Wayne also has the tendency to be a gull-a-bull. This is the same kid I got to believe that the black mold growing in South America that can eat plastic, was also hypothesized to cure cancer by the year 2020. Remember what I said, any opening I see to mess with you . . . I am going to take it. But that's what I love about Wayne. He keeps coming back for more.

We had a great time in "Jah-new" with Wayne. He bought a fur scarf that had bear paws at the end that you could put your hands in, and nobody had the heart to tell him that only woman wear those. He did try on every ridiculous hat he could find, including the moose antlers that resembled something you would see at Wally World (please tell me I am not so old that you didn't get that reference). And he did have me take a picture of him grabbing a mannequin's boob that was wearing a fur bra and panties. Part of me contemplated buying him the fur jockstrap for a man that went along with the set. But I only had enough money for one, so I bought it for Troy. After all, it is his birthday in a few days.

I may tease Wayne more then anyone on the planet, but I also love him more then anyone who is not blood related. He was the first person I bonded with in the Colby family, and he is the one person I get to keep in the divorce. He stole my heart the first time he misheard somebody saying they didn't like a movie, and he replied with: "No, I'm not going to Starbucks."

My favorite moment with Wayne, was our first karaoke event on the ship. Even with a hearing disability, Wayne still got up and sang "Warning" by Green Day, and I am here to tell you, he sounded pretty dang good. Which just goes to show you, even people who can't hear can still sing karaoke.

 And while we are on the subject of Wayne singing, the next time you see him, ask him to do his "Banana" dance. It's like a hug from Jesus. Maybe I can get it on video and post it.

Yes . . . . Yes.

 

Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 2: Rock the Boat

Vacation: Alaska Edition
Chapter 2: Rock the Boat

When we landed in Seattle, we had a shuttle take us to the boat. A man around the age of 60 tried to shove ten people and 18 pieces of luggage into a van. I offered to help Old Man Rickles with loading the luggage, but was told that he would do it because they needed to be stacked in a certain way. We then proceeded to wait fifteen minutes as he threw our luggage into the shuttle and slammed them together. Apparently the right way was to try and break every piece of luggage. And even after getting them all inside the van, he couldn't shut the door. I began to get images of all our luggage spread along the interstate and having to survive 7 days in Alaska with only one change of clothes. Fortunately, Gramps had figured some kind of geometric pattern that allowed all the luggage to fit,

Twenty minutes later we made it to the port and saw our glorious ship. Well . . . glorious was an overstatement. No ship will ever top the Oasis of the Seas. But I have seen the broken down pieces of crap on the Carnival line, and this was not one of those. Our ships name, The Golden Princess. I know what you're thinking. Even I thought this was one of the gayest names to call a ship. I even asked Jay if our ship had a gay brother named the Platinum Prince.

Unloading our bags, I over heard two of the ladies in our shuttle tell Donna that their group was coming on our boat and they had about two-hundred members.

"What group is that," Donna asked.

"The Red Hat Society."

For those of you who have no clue who or what the Red Hats are, allow me to enlighten you. They are a group of elderly woman who dress in purple, and wear the most flamboyant red hats they can find. The sit around classy places like Olive Garden and Red Lobster while sipping booze with other women over the age of fifty.

Now that the Ya Ya Sister Hats, as I like to call them, were taking over our ship, I was starting to have second thoughts about going to Alaska. As we went to check our bags in, any illusion that their would be people our age on this cruise went right our the window. When Jason, who is in his late thirties, is part of the younger crowd, that says it all. We did, however, get hit on by some older gay gentlemen. I now understand how women feel when they get hit on by a man old enough to be their father. I quickly developed a new rule of thumb: if you look like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets, I am too young for you to hit on.

Geriatric society aside, we had one of the best rooms on the boat. So much in fact, that as the boat departed, all eight of us hung out on our balcony as the boat embarked on our Alaskan adventure.

Our suite, the last room at the aft of the starboard side (look at me using nautical jargon) not only had a small living room set, but a huge closet and a tub. I can't see myself taking a bath on a cruise ship, but it's nice to have the option.

It was probably for the best that I am not a bath person. Our first two days at sea were in the middle of a storm, and the waves we rocking our boat like we were in the middle of a rolling earthquake. One by one we watched as the other passengers started getting sea sick. It was like we were in the movie Contagion, and one by one people were down for the count. Some passengers were even throwing up under their tables at the formal dinner. It was that bad.

Even though it seemed like our ship was in the middle of the "Perfect Storm," it made it for an exciting experience for me. After years of walking while under the influence of alcohol, I felt like a pro walking the halls of a ship that is swaying back and forth. I watched as several people lost their balance and went swerving every which way. I on the other hand maintained my balance and was not once affected by the constant jostling of the ship.

I did, however, find it very funny that everyone had their own home remedies about how to take care of the nausea accompanied by motion sickness. I have always known that ginger ale can help settle an upset stomach because of the ginger. Green apples was a new one I heard. Bitters and soda was also tossed out there, but I think that only helps an upset stomach induced by a hangover, which everyone knows the trick to curing any hangover is a Del Taco Chilli Fry or anything served by McDonald's.

The emergence of these home remedies did however lead me to my new million dollar idea: a Home Remedy app. Smart phone users would no longer have to turn to their mothers for their crazy wives tales of how to cure everything from sun burns to syphilis. At the touch of your hand you could get rid of your acne and still be watching your Twilight movies. And if this idea doesn't pay out or has already been invented, at least I know I am on the right track to becoming a millionaire. If anything, I could fall back on my talent to entertain people and make them laugh. Right?

Vacation: Alaskan Edition

Vacation: The Alaskan Edition
Chapter 1: Come Fly With Me

I love when vacations start at 4am. The only people who are up at this hour are crazy people (ie my parents), Starbucks workers and God. I have come to adopt the theory that nothing good happens at 4am. No large amounts of money are won. No big parties occur. All phone calls received are usually bad news. And because nothing good happens at the butt-crack of dawn, there is absolutely no point in being awake at that time. Unfortunately for me, our flight was scheduled to leave at 6:30 and that was the hour that had been selected to depart for Ontario International Airport.

For those of you who don't know me, I am a horrible grump in the morning. Remember that episode of Friends when Rachel almost kills Chandler and Joey because their rooster keeps waking them up? That's me. I would punch a baby if it woke me up at 4am. This is probably why I do not have children.

After a glorious and relaxing 2 hours of sleep, I felt exhilarated and refreshed. But not because of my interrupted sleep pattern. My alert state of mind was all thanks to the miracle that is 5 Hour Energy shots. My HLM Eric had informed me that if I was going to make it on little to no sleep, this was the little miracle that would get me through my day. Having seen the amount of work he does on little to no sleep, I was inclined to believe him.

By the time we reached the airport, I was awake. I didn't feel on top of the world, but the urge to punch babies had definitely decreased. I remember Eric telling me not to take the full bottle. But, enjoying my alert status and knowing it would wear off soon, I decided to take the entire thing fearing that I would crash before I reached the boat. I don't know what was in that tiny bottle, but it could have been cow piss for all I cared at that moment. Ten minutes later I started experiencing the delirium giggles, where anything could be considered funny for no rhyme or reason. I am told this is when I am at my most fun. It's like being drunk, yet totally coherent and not telling people how much I like them for ten minutes. Too bad 5-Hour Energy doesn't make a diet version.

As we arrived at the terminal, we got in line and waited to check in our bags. One of the Skycaps came by and told us, "Folks, just to give you a heads up, your flight has been delayed 2 hours."

This sent everyone into a panic. Five people in our party were concerned that we weren't going to make it onto the boat. Two people began planning some type of plan B to get us to Seattle. One asshole pumped on "God Knows What" was upset that he could have slept for two more hours.

After fighting with the workers in the terminal for ruining her vacation, my mother-in-law had discovered that she had brought us to the wrong airline. As it turns out, American Airlines had bought out Alaskan Airlines and our online reservations were under the main company's name. Only at the bottom of our tickets did it read, Alaska. It was at this moment, that I thought it would have been more convenient and less confusing if they had put that creepy picture of Chester the Eskimo on their tickets, instead of just on the tail of thier planes. After much complaining from the Colby Clan, we proceeded to a different terminal and making it just in time to check in.

First to check their luggage was Jason's parents. Unfortunately no one else could check in because Donna held all of our flight information. While weighing their luggage, one of the suitcases was three pounds over the limit. The clerg handed Donna her garment bag and asked her to take some of the stuff out of her suitcase and put it in here. She looked at the man behind the desk and told him that was out of the question.

"Okay, but we will have to charge you an extra $30 dollars for this suitcase," he replied.

Donna turned to Wayne and told him to take out whatever it was in her suitcase that made it that heavy. The extra weight of their suitcase was later blamed on Closed Captioning (Wayne Colby, JR) because he had asked his parents to bring his jacket that he forgot.

As Jay's parents moved to the side to figure out their luggage situation, the man behind the counter asked to take the next person. I glanced at Susan and her daughter Michelle, who made no advancements towards the counter. Not wanting to waste time, and tired of standing around, I approached the desk with Jay.

Because we were leaving on a seven day cruise where we had to dress up for some of it, both of us had a suitcase and a garment bag. Some people make fun of us when we travel for bringing so many pieces of luggage. But then, those people just got told that their luggage was to heavy. The down side of having wto pieces of luggage a person was the fact that they charge you $20 a bag.

"You know," he said. "For $100 dollars, I can upgrade you to first class where its free to check in your luggage."

"Is that $100 a person," I asked.

"No," he replied. "That's all together."

Even at 4am, my mind quickly deduced that for an additional $20 Jay and I could fly first class to Seattle. Without getting any confirmation from Jay, I yelled out, "SOLD!"

That's when the bitching started. Susan got mad that we cut in front of her and got the opportunity to fly first class (when in reality, I was the one who had got in line behind Donna and she was the one who cut up to the front). Donna was angry that nobody told her she could have had the same opportunity and it was Wayne's fault for not packing her suitcase right. Wayne wanted to just get on the damn airplane. But Jay and I didn't give a shit, because we were now flying first class.

I will tell you know, first class is awesome. I would do this again for the leg room alone. Not to mention, the comfort of those damn seats. For those of us who are Sasquatches with a lot of "junk in their trunks," First Class is the answer to our prayers. Neither Jay or I felt that normal sore body feel when we reached Seattle. We were served breakfast and drinks in real dishes and silverware, not plastic ones. We were offered drinks any time we wanted them. And for the first time since I was little, I wasn't very nervous to be getting on a plane. It was the perfect start to our Alaskan Adventure.

It did work out that the rest of our group was also able to upgrade to first class. But what can I say, I have always been a trend setter.

 

Sipping coffee in our First Class seats

Vacation: Alask Edition (Prologue)

Vacation: Alaska Edition
The Prologue

The Go-Go's were right. Vacation is all I ever wanted. That, and world peace. Maybe Sarah Michelle Gellar. But R and R is one of the best ways to recharge my tanks and does wonders for my rage (woo-saw).
This years vacation is an Alaskan cruise with the in-laws. Nothing says loving like being on a boat with the Colby's. We have the usual suspects. My loving wife, who every trip has to figure out how to pack the many shoes he has in his collection. His parents, who I oddly see myself becoming when I reach their age. Closed Captioning and his girlfriend (Wayne and Lorain). And finally, Aunt Sue and her daughter Michelle. For those of you who don't know any of these people, think of the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Now make them Scottish, and you have a general idea.

Although our flight left Saturday morning at 6am, or O'Dark Thirty by my standards, the real fun began the day before. Friday morning I woke to a beautiful dog snuggled up beside me. I like to think that some how she knew that I would be leaving her for a week, and she was trying to guilt me into staying home with her. This is how I know my dog is a Huckaby instead of a Colby. We use guilt as a suttle undertone, the Colby's will throw it at you with deadly precision.

After my normal morning routine of shit, shower, and shave; I found my "Honey-Do" list left by wife. Since I was the one who had the day off, it was graciously asked to complete said list if wasn't too much of an inconvenience. No guilt what-so-ever.

First off, pick up the dry cleaning. I arrived at the cleaners to find a homeless man outside telling people to "repent to the Lord God almighty." As I walked past, the man asked me if I knew Jesus. Immediately my mind flashed to the movie Dogma and I quoted Chris Rock's line: "Know him? Nigga owes $12." Normally this line would at least produce a smile from the average American. Apparently this man had been without a TV for awhile, because the quote escaped him completely.

"Blasphemy is a deadly sin and will be punished by God," he scolded.

"So is being Pious," I reminded.

It was at this moment, I wished I had a NOTW sticker to place on his shopping cart. But alas, I was all out at the moment.

Next it was on to cut my hair. Since my stylist had packed up and moved to LA, I have been hurting for someone to cut my hair. My new shop is a Fantastic Sam's by my house. Last time I had a woman who helped style my hair exactly how I need it. This time, I was not so fortunate. I knew I was in for trouble when the woman who helped me, Mina, had hair that resembled Cruela Deville. I may see things in black and white, but I will not be seen with my hair that way.

As she chopped off half the hair I had, she began trying to sell me every hair product under the sun. That is when I noticed the sign on her mirror that read "If you stylist does not offer you some kind of product, your hair cut is free." This made me feel better. I wasn't the only person that was required to push some type of product onto my customers by my employer. while I felt bad for Cruela De"Mina," the last thing I needed was a $14 bottle of mint shampoo. Even though it made my scalp feel like it just ate an Altoid, I was on a strict Alaskan budget.

After Fantastic Sam's was Burlington Coat Factory, where I needed to get some clothing altered. I parked in the zoo that is the Ontario Mills parking lot, and proceeded to my destination. After extensive measurements, I thought it was rude that the seamstress hadn't bought me dinner before she fondled my "Hardy Boys."
As I paid for my "not so happy ending," the woman behind the counter asked me if I would like to give a dollar to Children's Cancer. To which my response, "Why would I want to give children cancer? Isn't it bad enough I already smoke?"

She must have been related to the homeless man I met earlier, for she did not find my joke amusing.
What followed was several circles around the mall while I tried to kill two hours waiting for my pants to be finished. I was offered cell phone cases, shoe cleaning, belt buckles, a chance to win a free iPad, and more. My favorite offer was to get my teeth whitened in the middle of the mall. While the procedure was $10 of, it didn't seem worth the risk. Instead of having a trained professional whiten your teeth, they had a robot that somewhat resembled Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. I don't know about you, but I saw Final Destination. It was bad enough that I was flying to Seattle and already had a fear of our airplane exploding in midair. Yellow teeth trumps robot in my book.

I did however find somethings I needed for my trip at Michaels. As I was cashing out, the woman asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to Children's Diabetes. While I had three very clever retorts, I refrained from making anymore jokes. I had already struck at twice and didn't feel like third time was going to be my charm. Instead, I will list them here, and allow to pick your favorite.
1.) I think parents already help with their children's diabetes enough.
2.) But if we get rid of all the Oreo's, what else is a fat ass like me going to eat.
3.) Can my dollar go to The Topher Huckaby School For Children Who Don't Eat Good (as long as the building is at least 3 times that size).