Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 5: You wanna be a star don't ya!

Vacation: Alaska Edition

Chapter 5: You wanna be a star don't ya!

Hello loyal readers of Topher's blog. For those of you who do not know me, it is I, Jason, the other half of this whirlwind couple. So I was tasked with writing a blog about the wonderful performance of Topher's finale in his quest to become the "Princess Popstar!" (and I am the woman?) However I have come to view this assignment as "what I saw from the cheap seats". Now do not get me wrong, I love my husband, he has an amazing voice, and can truly throw some insane vocals at karaoke. Unfortunately what I witnessed was a travesty to all karaoke fans and KJ's everywhere. So come with me now loyal readers into the depravity that was princess cruise lines karaoke contest.

First off, if you are going to have a karaoke contest on board a cruise ship, it is best that you have karaoke on a cruise ship. One night of a one hour block is not enough. It was sad to watch the karaoke end, the cruise ship band come on stage, and the audience leave. I even think the lead female singers look said something like "I got my hair did for this shit!" Yes, poor Icon, they tried to do their best, but how can you perform when no one's around to hear you. Maybe it was the fact that 75% of the people on this boat were over the age of 50, and 11:00pm is way past their bedtime, even on vacation. Yeah, that's what we'll go with.

So the "raging" hour that was allotted for karaoke began with sign ups. Huge books promoting a large selection were placed out with stubby broken pencils and little sheets of paper. Journey through them to discover your voice, but hurry up because we have a band coming on in 55min and she had just got her hair done. So selections were being made and people were getting up to sing. I will not regale you with all of the singers but a few mentions of the talent that was displayed...

   1. Topher magnificently belting out "Kryptonite" and waking up all of the blue hairs from their bedtime.

   2. Jason bringing some much needed clam and relaxation with his powerful rendition of "Margaritaville".

   3. Old mother hubbard not hearing the words, complaining she was sick, starting "These Boots are Made for Walking" twice before the audience sang her into position. Oh but that did not stop her from talking through moments to complain about the lights or the problems with the middle east.

    4. The young professional woman who stuck her finger in her ear for balance, sound check, or hygiene to do a decent job of "You Were Meant for Me".

    5. Closed Captioning (my brother Wayne) singing "Warning" by his favorite band, and even with a hearing disability, still sounding better then Old mother hubbard.

Alas while our beloved Topher was the true star of the evening, he was not to win, nor was the professional with an inner ear problem. Three others won. I firmly believe it was due to the fact that the audience was a collective average of 104 years of age, the songs that won were country songs, and the voting system made about as much sense as the Republican Party platform (oohh political humor!)

Not to be discouraged or undone, our Topher awaited for the second heat to bust out with his amazing version of "Let Her Cry", made popular by some blowfish that hoot. The beauty of this was that the contest was so popular that only six people signed up. Topher had this in the bag though. You see during the days in between heat one and heat two, Topher (and even me if you will buy it) were getting stopped and praised for the talents displayed on the stage. People were actually asking if we would perform again so they could vote for us. So with fan base in tow, six sign ups, and me watching from the cheap seats (we didn't want to split the vote), Topher was the clear winner. You see sitting on the side and watching the vote count, I noticed an insurmountable stack that were clearly for our Topher. His nomination for "Princess Popstar" (ed note.. I love referring to him as this, it makes me happy) was golden. He was going to win the whole seafood enchilada.

So what went wrong?

Yes, the love of my life did not become a Princess or a Popstar. The Princess Popstar went to some woman who appealed to the age and values of the audience by performing Loretta Lynn's "Coal Miner's Daughter". She did not do a bad job, and was graceful as she moved her cankles away from the monitor to smile at the audience and missing a few words in the process. The prize for such fame and fortune, a bottle of shitty champagne and a bag consisting of the finest pens, luggage tags, and note pads money can buy.

All in all you can't complain about it though. Entering the contest gave us the opportunity to at least do karaoke. It was fun to root for my baby and support him in his endeavor, and contest aside, when people stop you all over the ship, at the various ports, and during your reading to tell you how wonderful you are and that you are their favorite, well it just gives you the warm and fuzzies. So Topher,and i if I may, were winners before the contest even began. Oh and editors note: We bitch slapped that boats TV and Movie Theme Song contest with 100% perfect winning that shitty bottle of champagne anyway. So there!