Vacation: Alask Edition (Prologue)

Vacation: Alaska Edition
The Prologue

The Go-Go's were right. Vacation is all I ever wanted. That, and world peace. Maybe Sarah Michelle Gellar. But R and R is one of the best ways to recharge my tanks and does wonders for my rage (woo-saw).
This years vacation is an Alaskan cruise with the in-laws. Nothing says loving like being on a boat with the Colby's. We have the usual suspects. My loving wife, who every trip has to figure out how to pack the many shoes he has in his collection. His parents, who I oddly see myself becoming when I reach their age. Closed Captioning and his girlfriend (Wayne and Lorain). And finally, Aunt Sue and her daughter Michelle. For those of you who don't know any of these people, think of the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Now make them Scottish, and you have a general idea.

Although our flight left Saturday morning at 6am, or O'Dark Thirty by my standards, the real fun began the day before. Friday morning I woke to a beautiful dog snuggled up beside me. I like to think that some how she knew that I would be leaving her for a week, and she was trying to guilt me into staying home with her. This is how I know my dog is a Huckaby instead of a Colby. We use guilt as a suttle undertone, the Colby's will throw it at you with deadly precision.

After my normal morning routine of shit, shower, and shave; I found my "Honey-Do" list left by wife. Since I was the one who had the day off, it was graciously asked to complete said list if wasn't too much of an inconvenience. No guilt what-so-ever.

First off, pick up the dry cleaning. I arrived at the cleaners to find a homeless man outside telling people to "repent to the Lord God almighty." As I walked past, the man asked me if I knew Jesus. Immediately my mind flashed to the movie Dogma and I quoted Chris Rock's line: "Know him? Nigga owes $12." Normally this line would at least produce a smile from the average American. Apparently this man had been without a TV for awhile, because the quote escaped him completely.

"Blasphemy is a deadly sin and will be punished by God," he scolded.

"So is being Pious," I reminded.

It was at this moment, I wished I had a NOTW sticker to place on his shopping cart. But alas, I was all out at the moment.

Next it was on to cut my hair. Since my stylist had packed up and moved to LA, I have been hurting for someone to cut my hair. My new shop is a Fantastic Sam's by my house. Last time I had a woman who helped style my hair exactly how I need it. This time, I was not so fortunate. I knew I was in for trouble when the woman who helped me, Mina, had hair that resembled Cruela Deville. I may see things in black and white, but I will not be seen with my hair that way.

As she chopped off half the hair I had, she began trying to sell me every hair product under the sun. That is when I noticed the sign on her mirror that read "If you stylist does not offer you some kind of product, your hair cut is free." This made me feel better. I wasn't the only person that was required to push some type of product onto my customers by my employer. while I felt bad for Cruela De"Mina," the last thing I needed was a $14 bottle of mint shampoo. Even though it made my scalp feel like it just ate an Altoid, I was on a strict Alaskan budget.

After Fantastic Sam's was Burlington Coat Factory, where I needed to get some clothing altered. I parked in the zoo that is the Ontario Mills parking lot, and proceeded to my destination. After extensive measurements, I thought it was rude that the seamstress hadn't bought me dinner before she fondled my "Hardy Boys."
As I paid for my "not so happy ending," the woman behind the counter asked me if I would like to give a dollar to Children's Cancer. To which my response, "Why would I want to give children cancer? Isn't it bad enough I already smoke?"

She must have been related to the homeless man I met earlier, for she did not find my joke amusing.
What followed was several circles around the mall while I tried to kill two hours waiting for my pants to be finished. I was offered cell phone cases, shoe cleaning, belt buckles, a chance to win a free iPad, and more. My favorite offer was to get my teeth whitened in the middle of the mall. While the procedure was $10 of, it didn't seem worth the risk. Instead of having a trained professional whiten your teeth, they had a robot that somewhat resembled Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. I don't know about you, but I saw Final Destination. It was bad enough that I was flying to Seattle and already had a fear of our airplane exploding in midair. Yellow teeth trumps robot in my book.

I did however find somethings I needed for my trip at Michaels. As I was cashing out, the woman asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to Children's Diabetes. While I had three very clever retorts, I refrained from making anymore jokes. I had already struck at twice and didn't feel like third time was going to be my charm. Instead, I will list them here, and allow to pick your favorite.
1.) I think parents already help with their children's diabetes enough.
2.) But if we get rid of all the Oreo's, what else is a fat ass like me going to eat.
3.) Can my dollar go to The Topher Huckaby School For Children Who Don't Eat Good (as long as the building is at least 3 times that size).