Vacation: Alaska Edition Chapter 2: Rock the Boat

Vacation: Alaska Edition
Chapter 2: Rock the Boat

When we landed in Seattle, we had a shuttle take us to the boat. A man around the age of 60 tried to shove ten people and 18 pieces of luggage into a van. I offered to help Old Man Rickles with loading the luggage, but was told that he would do it because they needed to be stacked in a certain way. We then proceeded to wait fifteen minutes as he threw our luggage into the shuttle and slammed them together. Apparently the right way was to try and break every piece of luggage. And even after getting them all inside the van, he couldn't shut the door. I began to get images of all our luggage spread along the interstate and having to survive 7 days in Alaska with only one change of clothes. Fortunately, Gramps had figured some kind of geometric pattern that allowed all the luggage to fit,

Twenty minutes later we made it to the port and saw our glorious ship. Well . . . glorious was an overstatement. No ship will ever top the Oasis of the Seas. But I have seen the broken down pieces of crap on the Carnival line, and this was not one of those. Our ships name, The Golden Princess. I know what you're thinking. Even I thought this was one of the gayest names to call a ship. I even asked Jay if our ship had a gay brother named the Platinum Prince.

Unloading our bags, I over heard two of the ladies in our shuttle tell Donna that their group was coming on our boat and they had about two-hundred members.

"What group is that," Donna asked.

"The Red Hat Society."

For those of you who have no clue who or what the Red Hats are, allow me to enlighten you. They are a group of elderly woman who dress in purple, and wear the most flamboyant red hats they can find. The sit around classy places like Olive Garden and Red Lobster while sipping booze with other women over the age of fifty.

Now that the Ya Ya Sister Hats, as I like to call them, were taking over our ship, I was starting to have second thoughts about going to Alaska. As we went to check our bags in, any illusion that their would be people our age on this cruise went right our the window. When Jason, who is in his late thirties, is part of the younger crowd, that says it all. We did, however, get hit on by some older gay gentlemen. I now understand how women feel when they get hit on by a man old enough to be their father. I quickly developed a new rule of thumb: if you look like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets, I am too young for you to hit on.

Geriatric society aside, we had one of the best rooms on the boat. So much in fact, that as the boat departed, all eight of us hung out on our balcony as the boat embarked on our Alaskan adventure.

Our suite, the last room at the aft of the starboard side (look at me using nautical jargon) not only had a small living room set, but a huge closet and a tub. I can't see myself taking a bath on a cruise ship, but it's nice to have the option.

It was probably for the best that I am not a bath person. Our first two days at sea were in the middle of a storm, and the waves we rocking our boat like we were in the middle of a rolling earthquake. One by one we watched as the other passengers started getting sea sick. It was like we were in the movie Contagion, and one by one people were down for the count. Some passengers were even throwing up under their tables at the formal dinner. It was that bad.

Even though it seemed like our ship was in the middle of the "Perfect Storm," it made it for an exciting experience for me. After years of walking while under the influence of alcohol, I felt like a pro walking the halls of a ship that is swaying back and forth. I watched as several people lost their balance and went swerving every which way. I on the other hand maintained my balance and was not once affected by the constant jostling of the ship.

I did, however, find it very funny that everyone had their own home remedies about how to take care of the nausea accompanied by motion sickness. I have always known that ginger ale can help settle an upset stomach because of the ginger. Green apples was a new one I heard. Bitters and soda was also tossed out there, but I think that only helps an upset stomach induced by a hangover, which everyone knows the trick to curing any hangover is a Del Taco Chilli Fry or anything served by McDonald's.

The emergence of these home remedies did however lead me to my new million dollar idea: a Home Remedy app. Smart phone users would no longer have to turn to their mothers for their crazy wives tales of how to cure everything from sun burns to syphilis. At the touch of your hand you could get rid of your acne and still be watching your Twilight movies. And if this idea doesn't pay out or has already been invented, at least I know I am on the right track to becoming a millionaire. If anything, I could fall back on my talent to entertain people and make them laugh. Right?