Tales from the Zodiac part 3: Like a Virgo

Today is the 15th anniversary when I lost my virginity, I decided to write about the sign that is represented by the virgin, Virgos. To be honest, earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) tend to bore me. I'm a Gemini. I move from topic to topic at the speed of light so much that people find me exhausting to be around some days. However, there are aspects of Virgos I do appreciate and is probably why I have several friends that fall under this sign.

TOPHER'S TOP TEN THINGS HE KNOWS ABOUT VIRGOS

1.) They're productive mo' fo's. As a Gemini, I lack productivity. Virgos on the other hand will have already made breakfast, run a mile, put the finishing touches on a 5-year strategic plan for work, and repaired the plumbing in the bathroom; all before I have pulled my lazy ass out of bed.

2.) Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo." Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for any sign of uncleanliness. Which leads into my next point . . . .

3.) Fault finder. Virgos can find faults in people faster then a Scorpio who has been wronged. The difference, Virgos do it in a way they think is being beneficial to you. If they see your faults and present them to you to fix, you will better yourself. If a Virgo had built the Death Star, it would never have been "possible for a single fired bullet into a vent to explode the whole thing." This type of fault finding doesn't end with just you.


4.) They constantly seek to improve themselves. My friend Troy is always looking at himself going, "What did I do wrong," and immediately tries to fix the problem. This would happen more if he wasn't the MOST STUBBORN PERSON I HAVE EVER MET, but I digress.

5.) It is easy to freak out a Virgo. I once told my Virgo coworker that she had something in her teeth.I then proceeded to watch her scrub frantically to dislodge this imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like me.

6.) When Ludacris was talking about "a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed,"he was talking about a Virgo. Attracted first on a intellectual level, but once that occurs, they can unleash their hidden sexuality. Even though they are the sign of the Virgin, their sexual fetishes stray from the vanilla and get into some cray realms. Sleeping with a Virgo is like living the life of a porn site. With a few clicks, you can be in a whole other world that you didn't know existed.

7.) They know if you are only pretending to be nice. Virgos only have about 1 or 2 real friends. They might be friends with a lot of people, but they truly only have a few "best friends." If you are one of these select people, you are either a Virgo yourself, or are of some breed of human that has way more patience then me.

8.) They don't coddle their friends. They're generous, helpful and always concerned about your well being, but they won't hold your hand every time something bad happens. They are not afraid to give you a reality check. If I ever want to hear the blunt reality of a situation, I turn to Heather to lay the smack down in the straight to the point bluntness that only she can deliver.

9.) Don't go through their stuff. If you find a Virgo is keeping something from you don't bring it up.While a Gemini will tell you everything under the sun about themselves, a Virgo has deep hidden layers that should not be poked at unless they themselves bring to the surface.

10.) Knows the value of "true friend." If you are ever in a moment of need, a Virgo will sacrifice just about anything to be by your side. If you have shown them patience, honesty, and respect, a Virgo will bestow upon you the one gift that not many have the privilege to receive: their loyalty.

Girl, please!

It will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me that every now and again I have what I lovingly refer to as "A Girl Moment." Topher's Dictionary defines “A Girl Moment” as an instance where a grown man will respond to something much like a woman would. If this concept is perplexing to you, allow me to give you two recent real life examples.

Girl Moment #1: I was driving in my car a few weeks ago, listening to music from my new iPhone when shuffle had produced "Light My Candle" from the hit Broadway show, Rent. In case you didn't realize, musicals are like sports to the gays. Immediately my mood went from sour to overjoyed and I burst into song with the first line: "What'd you forget?" and turned to the seat next to me expecting my best friend Stephanie to follow up with her line, since this is one of our patented karaoke duets. Much to my dismay, Stephanie was nowhere to be found. Yes, in the explosion of raw musical emotion I had forgotten that I was (gasp) driving in my car by myself. I was not only surprised that Stephanie wasn’t there, I was genuinely sad about it. Girl moment, indeed.

Girl Moment #2: A few weeks ago I was browsing iTunes to check out all the latest music that had been added when I came across the soundtrack to the new Broadway smash, "Newsies." (Btw,I have no evidence that this is indeed a "smash," but nothing can tarnish my impression of this fantastic work of art). Not knowing that this was a new musical, I went to the only person that would care about this as much as I would, my friend Megan. Since I hadn't spoken to Megan in quite some time, I decided to be cute in my message to her on Facebook: "I may have to cancel my subscription to Behind the Times because I was just browsing iTunes and saw that they made a Broadway musical to Newsies. We SOOOOOOO have to go to this. It could be Megan and Topher's Musical Reunion." I looked on my Megan's wall the next day to see if she had commented on my post only to find that it had been deleted. Feeling hurt and betrayed I sent her a direct message asking her if we had "broken up." Several minutes later I got a confused reply and the following interaction took place over Facebook:

Megan: hey! what? why? I read your blog the other day

Me: Okay, I was getting concerned, ‘cause I messaged you a couple times and never heard back from you

Megan: you did? I don' think I got it

Me; I thought I may have done something wrong and was about to sacrifice something on the alter of friendship to win you back

Megan: sometimes I get notifications on my phone and then only see messages I already read

Me: Did you get my post about Newsies on Broadway?

Megan: NO! are we going?

Me: LOL this makes me feel WAAAYYYY better

Megan: awwww, that's hilar! I'm sorry I didn't see that, I wonder where it went!

Me:(Wrote my original post)

Megan:  I saw them perform on the Today show or something and it looked cheesy of course but maybe sort of awesome

Me: I was actually going to blog about this weekend and talk about how my love for Newsies is one of the ways I know I am gay, but it was totally fine because you love it too and accept me for all of my gaydom

Megan: hahahaha, how could I ever cast anyone out for that?! I have a gay bff here at work that loves Newsies too, he's the one that sent me the Today Show clip

This is why I love Megan. She accepts me for my Girl Moments . . . and will see Newsies on Broadway with me. 

Now if only I can get Stephanie to stay in my Civic and stop missing her lines...

Tales from the Zodiac part 2: Attack of the Gemini

After yesterdays post, one of my friends that's a Cancer (I have to have one due to affirmative action) pointed me to a Q&A called "20 Facts About a Gemini." After reading the seven people that posted to this stream, I must admit that I laughed my ass off. My favorite post was from none other then a Cancer. Here was my rebuttal.

1. Flaky - I am not going to deny this claim. It's true. If I were a cereal, I would be a mixture of Frosted and Corn Flakes. I'm a man. I will admit it.

2. Indecisive - This is true, but only to trivial things. I can't make up my mind of where I want to go eat or what we should do this weekend. So much so that I drive people crazy (Hi Jason).

3. Moods change like the weather - You were actually being nice when you compared our moods to the weather. I have been known to run the gambit of emotions in under an hour. It's my new record. Beat that Real Housewife of (insert some city here).

4. Two faced - I have never had two faces. Maybe two chins, but that's what eating Oreos by the sleeve will do to you. Any person in my life will tell you, I am blunt and honest . . . especially after drinking.

5. Adapts to other people and environments easier than other signs - I credit this to my mood changes. Eventually I land on the right one that aligns with the person I am talking to.

6. Manipulative - Who? Me? How dare you! I would never trick people into thinking Jay and I broke up just to see their response. That's evil and . . . oh wait.

7. Low to no emotional depth - Did you not read my post about Up? My Grinch heart has grown three sizes since that film.

8. Most compatible, with Aries, Libra, and Aquarius - Aries? I think they just couldn't spell Sagittarius.

9. Is sensitive but hides it with humor - Who me? I would never do such a thing.


10. Hate being wrong or apologizing - Wait a minute. That's an Aquarius attribute. I don't give a rats ass about being wrong and I will apologize when I am. I quote Stephanie when I say "it's when I am right and you tell me I am wrong is when I get pissed off." Uh oh. My mood changed to anger and I can't decide what to switch to next. DAMN YOU INDECISIVENESS.

11. Most can talk **** and win a fight verbally, too cowardly to fight physically. - You got me. I am too much of a "coward" to physically fight someone. Its because of this that I am not a wife beater or in anger management. My cowardliness has reduced me to a weak shell of a man with my only weapon being my intelligence. 

12. Thinks with logic than feelings.- How could I think with my feelings if I have no emotional depth? But I am sensitive. Quick, say something funny.

13. Can be very promiscuous especially the men - Did I just get called a whore?

14. Most Gemini's are either Bi or curious. - Now I'm a Bi whore? (Topher fun fact of the day. I actually classify myself as bi-sexual because I am attracted to both genders. It's cause I am indecisive.)

15. They are private people not so much as the water or earth signs. - I am a private person. After Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn, there's the allusive Gemini. I keep my feelings very close to the chest, and would never post them on a blog for the whole world to see. That's just crazy talk.

16. Can be sneaky and back stab. - Sneaky I will give you. Back stab, not so much. I prefer the front stab method, so that they know its coming.

17. They are an open book and don't like secrets, I know I'm contradicting 15. - What? You contradicted yourself? But you were so accurate up til this point. Lets pretend this didn't happen and move on.

18. Evokes strong reactions from people - This is true. I quote my friend Bev when she tried to describe me to her husband. "I have always described you as a very clever guy that some people might find annoying, but at the same time, everyone needs a Topher in their life"

19 They have good luck with the opposite sex - I'm sorry. I just picked myself off the floor from laughing too hard. What were you saying?

20.They like to talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk - . . . . . Guilty.

And then came the final message:

"Source(s):

Cancer
Knew a few Geminis, dont **** wit them."

 

And that's one to grow on.