Growing up, women were always a mystery to me (insert gay joke here). They didn’t strike me as severely complicated like a Rubix cube that you become so frustrated with that you eventually must resort to solving by removing the stickers. No, my frustrations come from the fact that women seem to create an intricate code for men to solve (like The Matrix, only harder) but then fail to grasp the beautiful and efficient simplicity of the male gender. Allow me to explain.
At the age of 14, I knew next to nothing about women. To remedy this situation, I saw two options: I could pretend I knew everything, and fake my way through like a typical male, proceeding heroically forward, learning as I went, or I could befriend one of these fascinating creatures and learn the answers to all the female mysteries through her. I went with the latter.
For many years I was taught everything a man should know about women by my best friend Lesley. It was like she was Yoda, and our high school was the Dagobah system. Do you buy a girl flowers on a first date? Get her something that won't die so every time she see it, she thinks of you.
She also provided me with helpful hints about avoiding trick questions that the female of the species likes to test their man’s loyalty with. “Is that girl prettier than me?” The correct answer isn’t “No” it’s “What girl?” It was like I was becoming a Jedi and learning how to mind trick the other sex. In return, I taught her about guys, which was not a difficult task. Let's face it. Women only need to know one rule about men: if they are being nice to you, they want you. That's it.
You'd think after 16 years of friendship Lesley might have caught on to this little detail. After years of learning about the opposite sex from each other, it would be safe to assume that she had learned at least one thing. But once again, I made an assumption, and therefore made an ass out of me.
The following conversation took place over the phone this week . . . lets say Tuesday, and Lesley was shocked...SHOCKED I tell you, to find out that one of her male friends had been interested in her. As she went on and on I sat there wondering why she was surprised by this revelation.
Lesley: I didn't know. I thought he was just being nice.
Me: (Thinking) No. She didn't forget about the man rule. There's only one rule. She can remember the face of a person she served a piece of pie to at Claim Jumper, but she can't remember the ONE RULE about men?
Lesley: So now I am going back over in my head all the conversations I've had with men, and thinking to myself, "Did I lead them on?"
Me: Are you serious?
Lesley: (Stunned silence)
Me: You didn't lead them on. That's how men work. They find someone they want to sleep with, and they start being nice to them. I thought you knew this.
Lesley: I didn't know!
Me: Why do you think in high school I kept warning you about all those guys? Its cause they wanted you.
Lesley: But I look at the friendship we have and think its possible to be friends with men without there being ulterior-motives.
Me: Are you kidding me?
Lesley: No.
Me: Uh, for the first five years of our friendship I wanted you. You didn't know that?
Lesley:…..Fuck.
Me: You said it, sister.
In conclusion, if you are a woman reading this blog, remember the one rule: If a man's being nice to you, he wants you, or as Chris Rock would say, he’s “offering dick.” Even if you find the one (non-gay) exception to this standard, it's still a good rule of thumb. If you're a man reading this blog, I know that I have ruined your game, because using the previous conversation as proof, any woman that reads this is not going to remember the one rule for long.
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