The Day the Fried Jalapeno Rings Died

There are times I like to refer to myself as a fatty. Before you start sending me comments about how I am not fat, let me explain. I love eating. If it were an Olympic sport, I would finally have an athletic arena I would excel in. For those of you who know nothing about fatty's, we like to be in the company of other people who like/can eat food as much as we do. This is why I have Eric.

You may have heard me refer to him as my partner in crime, or HLM (Hetero Life Mate), but I also like to call him my fat friend. At 5"7 and weighing in at a buck forty (assuming he has just used the restroom), Eric is the guy you want to go to All You Can Eat Sushi with because you will get your moneys worth . . . four times over. Eric likes to get, what he so loving refers to as, "Sizzler Full" (Websters defines Sizzler Full as: the act of eating so much food that you slip into an altered state of reality where your only thoughts are of sleep and trying to burp to relieve the pressure from your stomach).

One of our fatty hangouts is the ever popular Del Taco. We both work and live within a five mile radius of a Del Taco. A fiesta pack with chicken soft tacos equals crazy delicious and the perfect midnight snack to us. If we could marry a fast food chain, we would be brother husbands to the Taco of the Del. That is to say until are senorita did us dirty and stomped on our hearts with her four inch stilettos.

When Del Taco decided to take away her beefy chilli fries, I really wasn't all that moved. I did have to console Eric because he is the only person I know that craves the mixture of ranch and BBQ sauce. When they discontinued the Mac and Cheese bites, a piece of me died that day. If you never had them, consider yourself fortunate, because the loss of such a magnificent creation would put a strain on your heart, almost as much as the cholesterol from eating one. I even started counseling people over the issue, letting them know that Del Taco may take our Mac and Cheese bites, but they will never take away our Jalapeno Rings. But I was a fool, a FOOL I tell you.

I got the call today at 1:30pm from Eric. He had discovered this tragedy the night before and was too distraught to text anyone. No longer would he feel his asshole burning from those little nuggets of spicy delight. Never again would he try to feed one to my dog and wait for her to get horrible gas and explosive diarrhea from those delectable treats. The world, to Eric, has been officially changed forever.

Today is a sad day for the fatty community. We mourn the loss of our fallen brother, the Fried Jalapeno Ring, and ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I know Eric and I will.

 Fried Jalapeno Rings

2008 - 2012