I get made fun of for many different things. From my spelling to my abnormally large feet, I am smorgasbord of abnormalities. Since I tease just about everyone I like, I expect the same behavior in return. Over the past few years, the most common thing I am teased about is my inability to cry at movies. It's not that I don't have feelings, I just don't get overly emotional. I'm a Gemini, not a Cancer. Even still, my lack of tears has caused my friends to label me as a "robot."
The truth is I have cried at a couple movies. And when I say a couple, I mean two. Go ahead. Get your shocked comments of disbelief out. I'll wait. Yes I saw Steel Magnolias and no, I did not cry. Yes, I was sad when Barbra Hershey died in Beaches, but no tears were shed. And no I was not gay enough to cry when Mufasa died in The Lion King. I bet you want to label me a robot too.
What movies broke through my cold exterior? The first film was The Cure. Look it up. It's about two boys who became friends and they set out looking for a cure for AIDS because, that's right, one of them has contracted it. Any person with an IQ of over a hundred could see Joseph Mazzello was going to die at the end of this tragic tale, but that movie kills me every time. I make people watch it to this day, and they still cry from that damn movie. It almost makes you "snot cry" its that bad (Webster's defines snot cry as: the act of crying so hard that it produces snot bubbles between sobs like the girl from The Blair Witch Project).
The second film came out three years ago, and was made by none other then f*@king Pixar. That's right. I was moved to tears by a freaking cartoon. I own it. But let me explain. I knew Pixar had it out for me when I found myself getting emotional in Monster's Inc. I was sad when Boo shut her door and Sully was gone. But I didn't cry. When Nemo's Mom got eaten by a barracuda, it was sad . . . but no tears were shed. Then came Toy Story 2. Great movie. Right up to the point where Jesse starts telling the story about how she once had an owner, which is sad all by itself. How do you make it worse? Oh I know. Let's have Sarah McLachlan sing a song about it. Remember that? Here:
Yeah, thanks Sarah McLachlan. Go back to your sad pet commercials and out of my Disney movies.Seriously. I sat in that movie and thought to myself, "God. My Carebear that I packed away years ago has to be fucking pissed at me right now." But I held it together, barely.
Then came the movie that finally broke me: Up. That's right. I cried at Up. But it's probably not where you think. I knew I was in trouble when I felt my heart ache in the first eight minutes of the movie. When the wife walks up the hill and stumbles, oh yeah, you saw it coming too. But that wasn't it. Nope. It was the semi end of the movie that got me.
I remember sitting in the theatre, watching Carl go back inside his house, all the while thinking, "something bad is going to happen." And right when he reached for his "Adventure Book," I knew what was coming. I gripped the arm rests as tight as I could, like I was bracing for impact. I opened my eyes as wide as I could, hoping that it would dry them out and stop the tears from surfacing. And as he opened the book, I held my breath, for I knew the tragedy that lay before me.
My friend sitting next to me saw my anxiety and asked me if I was okay.
"It's their marriage," I cried out in a high pitch squeal. "It's gonna be the adventure she had waited for all along."
Then came the tidal wave of tears. It was bad. I was sobbing like a little girl (or Jason), that's how bad it was. One by one he turned the pages of pictures, each image cutting into my soul like daggers. I had to take my 3D glasses of just to wipe my face with my shirt. It was bad. So bad, that Lesley and I have coined the phrase "F*@K Up," solely on the fact of the emotions that scene invokes in us.
So the next time we are watching something really sad, and you look over at me with my "cold dead robot eyes," just remember that I lost it watching a cartoon.
I have to go. My nose is running. (F*@K Up!!!)
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